How to stay in love when you’re married - why a reboot is better than the boot

Is your marriage feeling stale? Here's how to give it a makeover. Photo / Abel Mitja Varela

The leftovers have been polished off long since. The relatives have finally shipped out. Adult children have returned home, teenagers are once again holed up in bedrooms. And now, after the noise and hubbub have abated and the merriment has drawn to a close, it’s just you and your other half.

You breathe a deep sigh of relief and revel in the silence. For a full day. You get the house back into order. That’s another few hours. And then what? Uh-oh.

“I really enjoy the comings and goings and bustle this time of year,” says my friend Helena, 43. “I throw myself into it and it’s wonderful to be surrounded by people. Afterwards with just me and my husband it feels so empty and - there’s no other word for it - boring. Our youngest son is away at school and all we ever seem to do is watch television. I can’t bear the thought of life stretching out ahead of me, measured in box sets.”

Few occasions put pressure on a marriage like Christmas; the catering, the logistics, the summoning up of endless amounts of cheer when your bank of goodwill is echoing empty as your wine rack.

Tempers fray, resentments simmer and when wider family is thrown into the mix it can be hard to maintain civility, much less equilibrium.

For a partnership already in trouble, the next big step could well be National Divorce Day, on Tuesday January 4 when legal firms witness a surge in inquiries from couples who’ve reached the end of the relationship road.

In the UK, ONS statistics showed women petitioned for 62 per cent of divorces in England and Wales in 2019. In the US - land of the no-fault divorce - some estimates put the figure at 70 per cent, and since this option became legal for separating couples in England and Wales in April this year, the effect has yet to be measured.

For most midlife couples, however, the antidote to the post-Christmas blues isn’t splitting up but hitting the refresh button. A marriage makeover, if you will. Freshen things up when they’re a bit stale. But how?

Taking a quick straw poll of my girlfriends reveals they would all like to roll back the years and inject entirely unrealistic amounts of fun that were arguably never there to begin with.

An alarming number (Strictly fans obviously), wish their middle-aged husbands, built for comfort not speed, would take them dancing. Yeah, right.

This is closely followed by taking them anywhere, speaking to them and maybe even going to bed at the same time occasionally.

Too much to ask? Apparently so. My husband is nodding (oh all right then, shuddering) as I read this aloud.

It’s fair to say stereotypes are stereotypes for good reason. Couples settle into routines that become ruts and most often it’s the woman who raises the alarm that their relationship has lost its mojo.

Possibly deep down in the sand where the man has stuck his head because he really doesn’t want to go into all that feelings stuff.

It’s also a cliche that women hit menopause and suddenly get a second wind, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

“I don’t feel old,” my friend Pippa, 50, confides. “I want to do slightly crazy things like hire a camper van and go on a mushroom foraging course. Or learn to sea kayak. But my husband is already halfway down the “slippers and a jigsaw” route and keeps banging on about how he’s going to transform the shed in preparation for retirement. I love him, but when I think of the claustrophobic future he’s planning, I’m terrified.”

I met my husband the same year the world wide web (1989) was invented, but internet dating wasn’t yet a twinkle in anyone’s eye and I am acutely conscious of the ebb and flow of our relationship.

He has no clue, obviously. No idea that the reason we go on a cheeky city break in early January isn’t (just) because Prague and Vienna are atmospheric and affordable in the snow.

It’s because sneaking off feels like an illicit treat. Something to look forward to. A chance for him to remember I’m not always a termagant, strung-out and stressed in my third-best dressing gown most of the day. Sometimes I wear heels and flirt in jazz bars; as I hope to do on our break this year. Bruges, seeing as you asked.

Manipulative? Damn right. People don’t simply stay married (or certainly married to me) without extensive black ops and behind-the-scenes machinations.

Why else do wives across the world expend so much energy, so much creativity, conjuring up and choreographing a social life? Holidays. Weekends away. Those dinner parties husbands purport to hate, but actually quite enjoy, don’t just happen by themselves.

But chaps, it’s worth noting that according to Stowe Family Law, 60 per cent of divorces in the UK are initiated by women in their 40s, 50s and 60s; ages when women are typically either going through perimenopause, menopause, or are post-menopause. Which are all medical terms for “Don’t. Mess. With. Me”.

All the more incentive then to get on board fellas; a reboot is always preferable to The Boot. But in truth, properly anti-ageing your union in any meaningful way takes two. So how to get your soulmate off the sofa and into a more dynamic space? Or maybe on to the sofa and into more intimate companionship?

If your marriage is fundamentally sound but lacking oomph, here are seven ways to consciously recouple.

1. Dig out the wedding snaps

Drawing inspiration from the past sounds unlikely when you’re worried about the future, but it’s the place to start, says Amanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate. So don’t corner your partner and blurt out all their recent faults. Resist the temptation to explain how they are rubbish and bossily demand you both take up the Charleston or book a walking holiday in Snowdonia.

To revitalise a relationship, says Major, a relationship counsellor and sex therapist, “you need first to take a step back to really notice and acknowledge the person in front of you and the point you have reached”.

“Good communication is the bedrock of a successful partnership, so you could open with something like: ‘I kind of miss the conversations we used to have’, which will awaken a sense of curiosity in your partner.

“It might sound counterintuitive, but looking back can be a really great way to move forward; talking about big events that made you happy, times when you were close and wondering aloud how you might feel that way again.”

It might be time to dig out the wedding pictures. Photo / 123RF

2. Listen more than you talk

Avoid abruptly switching off the television and beginning with the words “I want”, and instead take a more open-ended approach. Go for a walk outside, invite your partner’s input by posing questions like “in this next phase of our life, what would happiness look like to you?”

Allow space and time where you listen rather than just speak. Even if all he does is mumble and look stricken. “In a way it’s having a conversation about the conversation,” says Major.

“Nobody wants to be hijacked; casually flagging up a subject and then picking it up again will be far more constructive.”

3. Ditch one annoying little habit

This is about finding a new way to compromise and break old patterns. Mutual recrimination will get you nowhere. according to Matthew Fray, the US author of the hard-hitting This Is How Your Marriage Ends, a book aimed squarely (unusually) at those men who never want to talk.

“Marriages don’t turn stale because of bad people doing bad things,” says Fray. “It’s usually decent well-intentioned people who aren’t deliberately trying to hurt one another, but after five or 20 years those little harms build up.”

Upping your thoughtfulness quotient might sound a bit feeble, but no longer leaving your gym kit in the hallway or your coffee cup by the sink because you know it annoys your partner will build up trust and, stay with me on this, reassure them their feelings matter. Yes really, it is that simple.

4. Get curious

In her book Five Arguments Couples (Need to) Have, former divorce lawyer turned couples therapist Joanna Harrison drills down into the nitty gritty of domestic bliss.

“Curiosity is the real magic reboot cream when it comes to relationships, Harrison says. “Even arguments give an opportunity to learn something new and are a sign you’re still trying to get through to each other. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate.”

“Check in with each other: not about admin or chores, but show tender curiosity about your loved one’s feelings, concerns and longings. I believe the term is “fake it ‘til you make it”.

"Check in with each other: not about admin or chores, but show tender curiosity about your loved one’s feelings, concerns and longings." Photo / Getty Images.

5. Look for examples close to home

Tune into the examples both of your families have set you about couples in midlife, as a way of making more conscious decisions about whether you want to follow that blueprint. Whose relationship is still strong, whom do you envy? Ask them for advice. Try not to cry. Or swear.

6. Role play

Not that kind of role play – this is about working together to support each other with new or changing identities. Make room to listen to sadness or regret about the roles you’ve each held up ‘til now. Midlife, empty-nest syndrome and career crossroads give couples opportunities to try new things and rediscover a sense of independence.

To some this can be threatening, not thrilling. This needs to be urgently addressed, but with empathy not reproach. Look, nobody claimed this was easy.

7. Physical exercises

Finally, treat your sex life not as something that happens only in the bedroom involving intercourse, but as a whole way of being and engaging with each other physically in ways that you both enjoy.

To pique curiosity, ask each other to describe an aspect of your physical relationship that you enjoy or have enjoyed. Make it clear that neither of you is allowed to mention their endlessly inventive ex. But – and don’t quote me on this – you could always think about them if it helps. I’m just saying.