KEY POINTS:
What you need
Before a game of beach or backyard cricket, can start, a minimum of four humans and a maximum of a crowd is required. All players must be wearing thongs or barefoot.
On the beach, stumps of uneven height should be fashioned from twigs, foliage,
flotsam or jetsam. In an emergency, an empty crate or a chillybin can be stood on its end, although regular drinks breaks may interrupt the flow of the game. Cricket sets are acceptable, but they are certainly not ideal or authentic.
If wooden, the bat should be more than 20 years old, covered in tape and have a broken handle. If new, it should be too small for anyone taller than 1.5m, worth less than $10 and made of plastic or balsa wood.
An old, preferably bald, tennis ball is recommended. For more experienced cricketers, insulation tape can be applied to one half of the ball to assist with swing bowling, adding some spice to this supposedly casual, but often heated, sporting occasion.
Beach cricket purists have been known to carve balls of bull kelp, but tennis balls have been an accepted part of the game for years.
One reasonably flat (and, on sand, hard-packed) pitch. The more variable the bounce and the more different the techniques, the more action-packed the game will be.
A pair of short shorts to display the whiteness of the upper thigh region. Sunblock (or, for those aiming to bronze, olive oil) for upper thigh region. Fluorescent zinc for lips, noses and cheeks.
What to do
Each player must assume the identity of their favourite cricketer, past or present, and try to replicate his style - say Merv Hughes, Mark Greatbatch, Daniel Vettori or Lance Cairns. If playing as Hughes or Greatbatch, be sure to remove top, puff out your substantial "beer warehouse" and stroke it proudly.
If handed the ball, bolster the slip cordon, come in off the long run, overstep the crease by at least 2m and whip in a full toss towards the batsman's upper body. This level of enthusiasm will last for about three balls, before tiredness sets in, pores start leaking and the spin bowling is introduced.
Be sure to say "two to go" near the end of the over, then proceed to bowl at least six more deliveries, half of which should be attempted "googlies" that bounce five times before they get to the other end.
Should the batsman play and miss at any stage, let fly with loud cries of anguish and incessant calls of "caaaaatch".
Continue follow-through down the pitch until mere centimetres from the batsman's face. Smile ruefully, a la Brett Lee. Purse lips, blow the batsman an ironic kiss and insult their mother.
Each successful wicket should be celebrated with fist-pumping, air-punching, high-fiving, hair-ruffling and, if Australian, bum-patting. If a catch is put down off your bowling, show your disgust by assuming the "teapot" position, kicking the stumps down a la West Indian fast bowler Michael Holding and roughing up the pitch with your feet at the completion of the over.
If fielding, Hollywood swallow dives on the grass, the sand, or, even more spectacularly, into the ocean are to be attempted frequently (being careful not to land on the beer, the precious ambergris, the rose garden or the small children nearby). Aim to impress non-playing, sun-baking onlookers with gazelle-like athleticism.
To alleviate boredom in the field, incorporate other leisure activities, such as throwing a frisbee, kicking a ball, flying a kite or tending to the barbecue.
If wielding the willow (or plastic), ask the non-existent umpire for centre guard, survey the field placements for an extended length of time, then stand directly in front of the stumps (to limit fisticuffs, there are usually no LBWs in beach or backyard cricket, although the "two plum decisions by consensus and you're out" policy may apply in some cases).
Attempt an arrogant reverse sweep often, and, unless players are forced to play the infuriating "tip 'n' go" variety of cricket, do not run quick singles. Either "'shut up shop" and try to stay at the crease for as long as possible or, if playing at the beach, punish the loose ball into the surf. Ideally, a canine of some description will be on hand to fetch these punished balls.
If dismissed, either place bat under armpit and walk back to the pavilion with head down, or throw bat at bowler in disgust.
Keepers should break the stumps theatrically and yell like maniacs if there is even the slightest chance of a stumping or a run-out. If a young, weak, yet obviously enthusiastic batsman comes to the crease, feel free to interfere with the bat during the backlift, claim innocence and watch the tears flow when they get bowled.
In these less traditional forms of cricket, an effective rotation policy is required for everyone to get a turn. Even so, these less talented souls are still likely to have their "castle shattered" by a "sandshoe crusher" from "the competitive guy" (there's always at least one for whom social sport is an oxymoron).
Champagne cricket is to be applauded, especially the "bifty" (beach or backyard fifty) and the "bentury" (beach or backyard century). Batsmen should wallow in the glory for as long as possible, wiping sweat from the brow, kissing the crest on their caps, hugging their batting partner and raising their bat to all corners of the ground.
If lacking numbers in the backyard, trees and shrubs usually double as fielders, and the automatic wicketkeeper comes into play for any snicks behind. Anything hit over the fence is six and out, and the law states clearly that any broken windows are to be paid for by the owner of the property on which the game is taking place.
What to say
Sledging, subterfuge and chicanery are an integral part of cricket, a mental game which, say researchers, is based on the "90 per cent up top" rule. So, in an attempt to unsettle batsmen, fielders should taunt them relentlessly about their physical defects and lack of natural talent. If this technique proves unsuccessful, the sexual activity and/or unattractiveness of their loved ones should be mentioned.
More generic, family-oriented sledges can also work: "Your batting technique is like that of a small child or, even worse, Lou Vincent"; "Let's pepper that corridor of uncertainty with a few Jaffas, peaches and/or good nuts"; "That's just a textbook slog to cow corner"; "We're into the tail now" (more effective if opening batsman is facing first ball); "Let's use that extreme pace and test out the helmet" (more effective if batsman is not wearing a helmet).
Overly competitive players should say: "Just because you're only 3 years old, doesn't mean you get a second chance. A duck's a duck. Deal with it. Protect your wicket at all costs. And what's all this about one hand, one bounce? Next you'll be wanting to play French cricket. Or kilikiti."
After dropping a catch, pull out the old chestnut: "I was looking directly into the sun. No, honestly. After a sterling representative cricket career as a youngster, where I opened the batting and the bowling, I can safely say the only reason I dropped that catch was I'm not accustomed to the feel of the tennis ball."
At the end of each over, when players are meant to rotate position, stand still and rotate hips, saying, "Look, I'm rotating my position." Attempt this "Dad joke" at the end of every over - if it isn't funny the first time, it will be 10 attempts later.
Inspiration for a bit of banter
Friendly banter at the beach or in the backyard is par for the cricketing course, but for those hoping to enhance their verbal assaults for some of the more heated summer confrontations, here is a selection of entertaining on-field quips from a range of international cricketers over the years that might just provide some inspiration.
Indian batsman Javed Miandad to Australian bowler Merv Hughes: "You're a fat bus conductor." Hughes to Miandad after dismissing him: "Ding ding! Tickets please."
Australian bowler Glenn McGrath welcomes Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes to the crease with the inquiry: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" "Because every time I sleep with your wife, she gives me a biscuit," was the answer.
Australian wicketkeeper Rod Marsh to English all-rounder Ian Botham: "So how's your wife and my kids?" "My wife's fine, but the kids are retarded," came the reply.
English county cricketer Greg Thomas, after beating the bat of West Indian captain Viv Richards: "It's red, it's round and it weighs about five ounces." Next ball, Richards hit Thomas out of the ground for six before walking up to him and saying: "You know what it looks like, now you go find it."
South African Hansie Cronje was smashing Merv Hughes all over the park for fours and sixes during a provincial game. As another ball disappeared out of the ground, Hughes ran down the wicket and delivered a booming fart in Cronje's direction, along with the instruction: "Try hitting that for six."
Merv Hughes to English batsman Robin Smith: "Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side."
English captain Graham Gooch sledges his own teammate, Mike Gatting, after Australian Shane Warne's first Ashes delivery bowls him: "If it had been a cheese roll, it would never have got past him."
- OTAGO DAILY TIMES
