Ruth Spencer: Five self-help books we need right now

Life would be better if we had these self-help books. Photo / 123RF

The world is a challenging place, and we look to the wisdom of experts to
guide us. Sadly, the kind of people who write self-help books tend to have implausible teeth, wear headset mics or adopt the middle name Avocado. They get rich selling self-help books, none of which suggest the path to riches might be writing self-help books.

It's always yoga and more eye contact, preferably both at once. Where are the real-life gurus? Here are five books we need right now.

Beep Yourself

How often have your introspective moments in the car been shredded by an impatient toot from behind? Sure, the arrow went green a while ago, but you were enjoying an astral journey or deciding what to have for lunch. Beep Yourself provides a checklist of techniques to get ahead of this violent intrusion, including the chapters "Keep an Eye on the Lights" and "Stop Texting, Idiot".

My Side, Your Side

If you're a couple who share a bed, the borders of your territory are under more dispute than the Gaza Strip. The edge is definitely yours but you don't want it; the middle is a saggy no-man's-land. My Side, Your Side offers negotiation tactics such as the Concrete Elbow and includes a handy stick-on median strip to settle arguments. Or escalate tension. Your results may vary.

Think and Grow Weed

This controversial tome lays out logical arguments for becoming a small-scale marijuana farmer. At first glance the core argument is that you'll have marijuana, but it covers important philosophical points in sections such as "It Has To Be Legal Sooner Or Later", and "Everybody Does It". There's a focus on organic production and planting by the moon, but the chief drawcard of this book is that paper stock is made from unbleached hemp and impregnated with seeds.

Lottomancy

Predict your future with your Lucky Dip numbers. Lottomancy describes several ways go about this: translate them to Bible verses (especially handy if your name is Matthew, Mark, Luke, John or Habakkuk), or for the less biblically inclined, page and line numbers from Harry Potter. Or enter them into Google maps and plan your next holiday at that location. For example, 7 9 11 37 39 40 takes you to the charming town of Areka, within a stone's throw of Ethiopia's many lovely national parks. However you choose to use Lottomancy, you'll be thrilled with the accuracy of its bold prediction that your numbers will never win actual Lotto.

The Secret: Tinder Edition

It's possible to meet the love of your life on Tinder in the same way it's possible to meet that one really cuddly lion you saw on YouTube. The trouble with lions and Tinder dates is they all look vaguely alike. The Secret: Tinder Edition helps you channel the universal laws of attraction by being attracted to everyone. Swipe right regardless of how many fish they're holding in their profile pic. This book may struggle to compete with its rival Tinder guide, Just The Hot Ones.