I'll leave you with one last piece of advice: It is just one day of the year, so it doesn't matter if someone thinks your job is boring, your house is too small, your car too red and your kids are ugly.
Tomorrow is another day and you don't have to see those people for another year. Merry Christmas.
Illustrations / Peter bromhead
The Negative Monster
There's usually one in every family. Nothing is good enough, the wine is too warm or cold, the turkey is too dry or moist and the weather is too hot or cold.
She or he will work their way around a family and subtly criticise each and every one about their clothing, their hair, their jobs ... actually, everything they do.
This is not such a drama if you are a confident adult but it can be hurtful to children so watch out. Here are some tips for dealing with this one:
•Know that the reason Negative Monster finds fault with everyone is because they are unhappy about their own life. This knowledge doesn't fix their behaviour but it's strangely comforting to know.
•Overpower with positivity. One negative plus five positives equals a confused Negative Monster. Get in first and tell them how gorgeous they look, how wonderful and interesting their job is and what a terrific year they have had. This may be hard to do but go for the small stuff like the fact that they got a new car or a new pet or just managed to get online.
•Agree with everything they say. This is another confusion strategy but it works. If they criticise your dress say: "You are so right, I hate this dress, I hate how I look, in fact I should just never leave the house." This will silence them long enough to change the subject.
On a serious note, sometimes The Negative Monster just needs a bit of empathy.
If they are moaning about their life agree in a caring way: "Yes, it must be hard living on your own and not having friends. I can see how that would make you feel."
You will be surprised that once acknowledged they will shut up. For a while, anyway.
That Child
The spoiled brat who combines a death wish with a desire to disrupt the status quo within the space of five minutes of arrival.
The biggest problem with this little darling is that, if left unrestrained, the rest of the kids see that he/she is on to a good thing and join in ruining Christmas festivities for the parents.
It is always hard to restrain a child whose parents have obviously given up, are in the room and don't want anyone to show them how to do it.
But here are a few tips worth following.
•Diversion works. In advance think of something the child won't have, needs, would like, will probably snatch off some other kid, and have it ready. Then when the behaviour starts it's a simple case of, "Timothy, have you seen our new Xbox game?" and you're done.
&bullIf the parents object to their precious little sweet playing video games, use the drunk's line "It's Christmas."
•Have a child-friendly area. This is sad for your well-behaved kids, but a necessity. So rope off the garden, set up toys and food and other tempting treats and tell the kids that is their special area. That Child will soon break free but it may work for long enough for you to have a drink.
•Don't sweat it. Before That Child arrives remove anything precious to safe-keeping. When things start being pushed over and broken just laugh it off and let him get on with it. This will totally confuse That Child who will cease as soon as he/she sees there is no reaction.
•Pinch. This will no doubt cause a string of outraged emails to the editor but there is really nothing wrong, in my opinion, with a little pinch behind the kid's ear when no one is looking followed by a stern: "I'm in charge here, so you do what I say. Okay?" Someone has to take control, so a wee pinch may bring harmony and understanding.
The Drunk
If there is one day when drinkers will not be good, it is Christmas Day.
Do not make the mistake of planning to become the drinks monitor, stepping in with cooling glasses of sparkling water should someone be overdoing it.
You'll have a miserable time, you won't relax and everyone will hate you.
Instead, go over a few situations before you turn up. You know who The drunk or drunks will be, so have a plan.
Most people waste time worrying about a situation rather than dealing with it.
Here are some strategies to consider.
•Today is not the day to stop The Drunk from drinking. Don't produce a pamphlet from Alcoholics Anonymous - drinkers will drink until they decide to stop and nothing you say will change that. So accept for today that they will be drunk.
•Talk to the not-so-big drinkers in the family and have a change of activity planned for when things become disastrous.
•Just as your uncle is about to plant his nose in your wife's cleavage, or your aunt is about to burst into tears, or your sister is about to lecture you, yet again, on the fact that you are the favourite child announce a change of activities. If you're a sporty type of family, start a round of cricket on the lawn, if you're not, a game of cards or a movie. The idea is to divert The Drunk's attention.
•Avoid serving serious cocktails. Stick to wine and beer - and perhaps even consider a jug of spritzers. Don't make it easy for them to get blotto in the first hour.
•Don't get involved in an argument with a drunk relative. They won't remember it, you won't get anywhere and it will ruin the day. Simply smile then walk off or change the subject.
•Do not discuss money, politics or religion.
•If all else fails, consider having Christmas breakfast next year. It takes a really devoted drunk to be pissed by 10am.
The Fussy Eater
I'd happily take on any three irritating relatives in exchange for this one.
Your relation is gluten-free, rice-free, dairy-free, soy-free.
To make it worse, she eats only vegetables whose names begin with C and animals that have only one eye at birth.
You can get yourself in a lather trying to cater for their every whim or you can follow these tips.
•Ring her before Christmas Day and suggest she brings something she can eat. Explain you're not up on the latest dietary advice and would rather she took control of the situation. (She won't like this, but too bad).
•When The Fussy Eater sits at the table and crosses her arms in front of her empty plate - to indicate that she can't eat anything, in case you missed the body language - just ignore her. There is absolutely no problem if she starves for one day. She'll live.
•If she starts moaning and demands to know if there is at least some seaweed she can munch on, remind her that you asked her to bring something for herself.
•Don't get into an argument about her food choices because you won't win.
•Simply support her choices in an "I think it's great that you are choosing to do this" sort of way (subtle meaning being "you're a pain in the ass"). Show some interest and let her know that she is just great. She will eventually get over her sulk and you'll later see her scoffing roast potatoes in the kitchen when she thinks no one is looking.
