Relationship Rehab: Wife's 'hurt' after discovering X-rated secret

It's important to understand what has gone wrong in the relationship prior to the affair taking place. Photo / Getty Images

They've been married for years, but after a growing problem in the bedroom, the wife has uncovered a shocking sex truth about her husband.

Sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a husband who wants to try adding a third person to his marital bed.

Question: My husband and I have been together for almost seven years. But over the past few years we've grown apart and I think we only had sex a couple of times last year. Just before Christmas, I found a text from another woman and he told me he's been having an affair with her for the past six months. I was so hurt but also blame myself because we haven't been intimate. I still love him and he says he loves me. I want to give him another chance but I don't know how to fix this. I don't think he would be willing to go to counselling. Any advice?

Answer: I'm saddened to hear you're blaming yourself for your husband's affair. Despite the fact you weren't being intimate with him (and there are likely other issues between you) your husband is responsible for his actions, not you. Only your husband could decide to take the actions he did.

It's understandable that you still love your husband and want to make your relationship work. While many people see infidelity as the end of a relationship, moving on from this is possible. I help couples with this more often than most people would guess in my work as a Couples Therapist. Though challenging, some couples are able to create a stronger relationship than they previously had.

How to move on from an affair

You can't just forget an affair and move on. When couples try to do that, the wounds created by the affair return to cause destruction in their relationship later on.

It needs to be processed, so there can be real forgiveness and reconnection. Your (and your partner's) ability to have these difficult, vulnerable conversations will determine whether you can do this alone or not. Due to the intensity of emotions around infidelity, for most couples, having professional support is beneficial.

John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy (one of the methods of couples therapy that I use in my practice) has comprehensively studied relationships for over 40 years. Gottman suggests that there are a number of stages required for couples healing from infidelity.

1. Apologise and process the hurt

The first step involves apology by the betraying partner and fully processing the affair. If you're going to be able to move on, your husband will need to be remorseful for his actions and be willing to work to repair the relationship with you.

2. Understand what went wrong in your relationship prior to the affair

Following that step, we look at what was happening in your relationship that allowed for an affair to happen. While an affair can occur in what might feel like a happy relationship, there are usually indicators, like disconnection, unresolved hurts and poor communication that have presented prior to an affair.

I hear that for you there was a lack of physical intimacy and I suspect there are factors that contributed to that.

3. Rebuild trust and connection

To once again have a connected, loving relationship, you'll need to rebuild trust and commitment in your relationship. This requires communication, honesty and open sharing with each other.

4. Look forward to creating a life together

Once you've processed the affair, learned more effective communication and recommitted to your relationship, you can then look forward to creating a life together that you both look forward to.

5. Expect this to take time

Additionally, expect that it will take time to heal from this process. This isn't something that can be resolved in one or two conversations. This is likely to be a process that takes many months.

6. Get professional support

My advice to couples who've experienced infidelity is to get the support of a good Couples Therapist to help work through it.

It concerns me that after your husband's transgressions, he might not be open to therapy. I'd suggest that after what he did, he needs to be willing to make amends and take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. A willingness to engage in therapy would show you that. Without it, I'm afraid that his desire to make things better are just hollow words.

This process will be uncomfortable for both of you, but growth (and a better relationship) doesn't come through staying comfortable. I hope that you're able to work through this in one way or another. You deserve a happy relationship.

• Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer.