Sending intimate photos might not be physically cheating, but it's still a huge betrayal of trust. Photo / 123RF
Sending intimate photos might not be physically cheating, but it's still a huge betrayal of trust. Photo / 123RF
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife busted sending naked pictures to other men, a woman who has never orgasmed during sex and when to know a long-term relationship has run its course.
I'm married and got busted sending naked pics – how do I fix this?
Question: About six months ago I was going through a midlife crisis and did something stupid. I began to feel like my 20-year marriage was stale and boring and sex with my husband was predictable and he wasn't paying attention to me. To spice up my life, I sent nude pictures of myself to two men I'd met online. Nothing more happened – I never even met the men – but when my husband saw the photos he was devastated. I made a stupid mistake and regret it dearly but it's put a huge strain on our relationship. What can I do to make things better?
Answer: I hear that you really regret this and want to make it better. Unfortunately, what you did was still a huge betrayal of trust and this will take time for your relationship to recover from.
It's totally understandable that your husband was devastated. When our partner betrays us, it has a huge impact. We can feel completely unstable, like we don't really know our partner and wonder how they can really care about us. It can even trigger PTSD.
I've said this before, but it's worth repeating: it's possible for a relationship to recover from infidelity and other huge betrayals but it takes time, patience and commitment.
There isn't one big thing that you can do to make a difference here. Even continued apologising (while necessary) will have its limits. What will really make a difference are continued, consistent actions.
You'll need to make amends and rebuild trust between you. After that, it will be helpful to look at what was going on in your relationship that contributed to you looking for attention and affection elsewhere.
The early stages of recovery are about your husband and what he needs to feel that you're sorry and that you're taking action to rebuild trust.
If he doesn't already, he's going to need to feel heard, understood and have his emotions validated. The actions you need to take depend on him. What does he need to feel safe and secure in the relationship again? Does he need to have access to your phone? Does he need to hear from you when you're out?
This can feel unbalanced for a while, because it is. Betrayal unbalances things, this is an opportunity to make amends.
You'll need to re-establish the connection between you also.
I hear that there were a number of things going on in your relationship which contributed to this. This is often the case in infidelity. Disconnection creeps in over time, leaving you vulnerable to turning to others.
Be honest with yourselves about what wasn't working. There are three key areas you'll need to address: your connection, communication and sexual intimacy. Addressing these areas might look like making more time together, talking in ways you haven't for a long time, increasing fun and playfulness between you.
Keep showing up. Continue to be understanding. Continue to show your partner that you're committed to the relationship. Make efforts, in continued small ways that prove you're invested in this.
An estimated 10 per cent of sexually active women have never had an orgasm. Photo / 123RF
Help! I never orgasm during penetrative sex
Question: I'm a woman and I've never had an orgasm during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me?
Answer: There's nothing wrong with you.
An estimated 10 per cent of sexually active women have never had an orgasm. A further 30 per cent struggle to experience orgasm regularly.
Most women can learn to orgasm with the right information and practical suggestions (a very small percentage of women are unable to orgasm due to medications or medical conditions).
The most common reasons women don't reach orgasm are inadequate foreplay and clitoral stimulation. Make sure you spend at least 20 minutes in foreplay before moving to penetration intercourse and try including direct clitoral stimulation (with your hands or a toy) during sex.
How do you know a relationship is over?
Question: What are the signs a relationship is over? I've been with my husband for nine years and I'm worried it's curtains for us.
Answer: Every relationship experiences ups and downs, the difficulty is knowing when to get off the ride.
There are strong predictors that a relationship will end if it doesn't get support. These include feeling lonely, consistent "mean" arguments, giving up arguing (because you don't even think it's worth it) and a lack of friendship and respect.
There are clear, proven tools that I can offer as a couples therapist to change this. It's not guaranteed to fix every relationship, but, if you still feel that your relationship may be over after some time in therapy, you'll know that you did everything possible before moving on.
