Porn can be useful at helping you find out what sexual practices you are interested in. Photo / 123RF
Porn can be useful at helping you find out what sexual practices you are interested in. Photo / 123RF
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie details whether watching porn with your partner will improve your sex life.
Question: My husband has suggested we watch porn. I've watched porn myself in the past – although usually lesbian porn. I always saw that as something to do by myself. It just feels really awkward to watch it with him. He thinks it will add some excitement back to our sex life. I'm totally unsure what to do and say. Please give me some advice!
Answer:
What I love about your question is that this is obviously something you feel a little uncomfortable about, but instead of just shutting the idea down or avoiding it, you're looking to find out more information and make a decision on what to do.
Well done. There's a lot to be gained by leaning into our discomforts and expanding what we think we enjoy sexually. As long as we're safe and giving consent in the process.
Pornography is a controversial topic. I know because I inevitably end up with an inbox full of private messages from people expressing their opinions when I write about it. I've been told it's immoral and that I'm misogynistic for writing about it.
Talking about what porn you like with a partner may feel uncomfortable at first. Photo / 123RF
I'm not going to get into the ethics (or morals) of mainstream pornography, because that's not what you're asking about. (If anyone else has opinions on that, you're welcome to keep them to yourself.)
I do want to answer some of the important questions you've raised, because you're not the only person to ask me about this.
Pornography can enhance desire and excitement in a relationship and can help you get turned on relatively quickly when you're looking to engage in sex together.
It can also be a useful tool for discovering which sexual practices interest you – as long as it isn't the only source of education you receive.
We often see both masturbation and pornography as practices we should engage in by ourselves, in secret. Sharing these practices with a partner can add new dimensions to your sexual pleasure and increase intimacy.
Other ways to enhance desire and excitement
Of course pornography isn't the only way to ignite spark and desire. If this is something that your husband is seeking at the moment, you might also consider:
• Trying different sexual positions. • Spending longer in foreplay. • Trying body mapping. • Talking about your fantasies together. • Experimenting with bondage. • Introducing sex toys to your bedroom.
How to discuss watching porn together
I know I say this over and over again, but couples who can communicate about sex openly, experience greater sexual pleasure and desire. Communication is one of the most important aspects of great sex.
While talking about issues like this can feel a little uncomfortable at first, it can also create greater safety and intimacy.
Here are some questions it might be helpful to ask each other before you go ahead:
• What about pornography interests you? • Is there any part of watching this that makes you feel uncomfortable? • What kind of pornography would you like to watch? • What kind of sexual practices do you want to see? • Is there anything that you would feel uncomfortable watching? • Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer doing this? • What are your expectations after we watch it? • Are there any other concerns you have that you want to share with me?
Make sure you feel comfortable
If you do decide to do this, make sure you feel comfortable. Keep the communication open so if you try it and discover it isn't for you, let your partner know.
Porn for women
It's common for women to be attracted to lesbian pornography for a few reasons. Mainstream pornography is rarely focused on a woman's pleasure and it's often also seen as degrading towards women.
