Relationship rehab: 'My partner is way more attractive than me'

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, their resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles how to overcome insecurities associated with feeling that your partner is more attractive than you.

• Question:

Is it normal to be insecure if your partner is too attractive? I really like a girl and she likes me back too. The problem is she's a lot more attractive than me.

I'd say I'm a six out of 10 and she's a solid nine. At first, I thought it was great but now I'm starting to feel insecure. I'm worried she might realise that she can do better and end things. I've found myself putting her down to make myself feel better which I know is an awful thing to do but I can't seem to stop. Is there anything I can do to stop myself feeling so insecure?

• Answer:

People are insecure for all kinds of reasons, but when we let these insecurities control us, they result in unhelpful behaviours like you're describing. Thankfully, there are ways you can learn to deal with it and change your behaviour.

The real issue here, isn't how attractive this girl is, but your own insecurity and the confirmation bias your mind is looking for.

Our worries and insecurity unfortunately often guarantee that what we're worried about happening, will happen. You worry about this girl leaving you, and that's the driving force behind you putting her down, but you obviously realise that if you keep putting her down, it's guaranteed that she'll leave. It's called "confirmation bias". If she does eventually leave, your mind will tell you "See, I told you you're not good enough for her".

There are two things you need to deal with here: your anxiety and the unhelpful thinking that goes along with it. If you can do that, your behaviour will also change.

Look at your underlying beliefs

Somewhere along the way, you took on a message that physical appearance is one of the most important aspects to being loved. While looks are important to people to some degree, there are far more important things to look for when choosing a partner.

Our perception of how attractive someone is can also change depending on their behaviour and the connection you have with them.

Have you ever looked back on one of your exes and thought "What was I thinking?" When we feel connected to someone, we see them in a more favourable light. But when we're not connected, we can look back at someone and think "How did I ever find that person good looking!"

Focus on being a good person and that will make you more attractive to this girl.

Understand where your insecurity originated

Insecurity originates from a lack of validation and security in childhood. Understanding the origins of our patterns and beliefs can help change them.

With a therapist, or in a journal, consider the relationships you had with your caregivers when you were a young child. Also consider the messages you received about attractiveness, relationships and being a good person.

Have you ever worried that your partner is more attractive than you? Photo / 123RF

Practise mindfulness

Mindfulness helps calm anxiety and creates space between you and your thoughts. A simple way to practise mindfulness is to focus on taking deep breaths and feel your body. There are also many apps now that can help you develop a daily mindfulness practice. Consider setting aside 10 to 15 minutes each day to practise mindfulness.

In the moments you notice yourself feeling high anxiety about this girl, or saying something that is unhelpful, calm yourself down by taking deep breaths and feeling your body. This will help you think more clearly and help you choose different actions.

Remind yourself of the positives

Trying not to think negative thoughts almost never works. Instead, give your mind the task of focusing on positive thoughts.

For example, when you notice yourself thinking "she'll leave me because I'm not attractive enough", instead tell yourself something more positive like "this relationship may or may not work out, but if it doesn't it's not because of my attractiveness. I have many positive qualities that I bring to a relationship".

Own your behaviour

Sometimes in relationships, we all say or do things we later regret. If you do slip up, take responsibility for your behaviour and apologise.

For example: "Hey, what I said was hurtful and unfair. I put you down because of my own insecurities. I'm sorry. I really want to work on that."

These suggestions aren't a magic solution, but when continually practised over time, they do make a difference.