Relationship Rehab: ‘My male partner doesn’t want to have sex – is there something wrong with me?’

There often isn’t a quick fix for libido issues but therapy can help couples avoid the cycle of blame and hurt. Photo / Getty Images

Sexologist Isiah McKimmie reveals it isn’t just women who struggle with low libidos.

Question: There is a common belief that men always want sex and women have to fake a headache to turn them down but in my case, it feels like the opposite. My partner doesn’t seem to want to have sex with me but I’m a woman and my partner is a man. It’s been three years since we had sex. And before that it was about twice a year for a few years. All my friends talk about how much their partner wants sex and I feel like there’s something wrong with me because my partner doesn’t want me. Is there any way to make him want to have sex with me?

Answer: While the common stereotype is that men have a higher libido than women in heterosexual relationships, this isn’t always the case. It’s common for men to have a lower libido than women – we just don’t talk about it as much.

A mismatch in sexual desires in a relationship is common. It’s one of the top reasons that couples seek support through therapy. Photo / Stock

Mismatch in libido is common

A mismatch in sexual desires in a relationship is common. It’s one of the top reasons that couples seek support through therapy. In my work as a couple’s therapist and sexologist, I see a balance of couples where a man has a higher desire and where the woman does. It’s important to try not to make this the fault of the person with lower desire, but to see the problem as a difference between you.

Loss of libido is difficult – for both of you

Differences in sexual desire can be challenging for both partners. When you’re the partner with the higher desire, you can often feel rejected and worried your partner is no longer attracted to you. While it’s understandable you feel distress about this, know that (even if he doesn’t show it) he feels badly about this too.

Your partner likely feels guilty and ashamed about his loss of desire. He probably feels helpless about what to do about it. And it’s likely that he feels like he’s failing as a man because his desire isn’t what it ‘should be’. This combination of feelings can lead men to shut down when a partner raises the issue with them.

What causes libido loss in men?

A partner’s low desire can be confusing – especially if it was previously high. It’s understandable you might believe it’s due to a lack of attraction to you – or because of his attraction to someone else. But this is very rarely the case.

Factors that can reduce male sexual desire include:

• Personality – some people have lower sexual desire than others

• Lifestyle factors – overworking, lack of sleep, poor diet

• Health issues – illness, injury, hormonal imbalances or sleep apnea

• Mental Health – anxiety and depression

• Relationship factors

• Underlying sexual difficulty – such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation

• Medication – including antidepressants and others

How can you deal with libido loss?

When it’s not managed well, differences in libido can have a big impact on your relationship. But if you work through your issues, it is still possible to thrive as a couple. There are practical steps you can take together to help you manage and overcome these differences.

Talk about it together

Couples who were able to talk about this report higher relationship satisfaction than those who don’t. Talking about this together helps you empathise with each other and work on it as a team.

Talking about this together helps you empathise with each other and work on it as a team. Photo / 123rf

Visit a doctor

While, unfortunately, there often isn’t a ‘quick fix’ for libido issues (medications such as Viagra are aimed at assisting with erectile function, not sexual desire) it’s important to get a full health check and understand whether libido loss is being caused by a biological issue.

Improve your relationship

Building connection and understanding in your relationship can reduce negative emotion about this.

Manage conflict well

Better dealing with conflict helps you avoid a cycle of one person withdrawing from the other, which often plays into libido issues.

Remove libido blocks

Understand if there are factors that exacerbate his lower desire – and work together to avoid them. This might include aiming to reduce his stress levels or increase health factors.

Increase sexual turn-ons

Talk together about what increases his libido and do more of those. It may include feeling close in a relationship, certain kinds of touch or even watching pornography.

Engage in other forms of intimacy

Engage in touch and intimacy that feels good for both of you – even if this isn’t sexual intercourse. You may both enjoy cuddling or kissing. Or he may be willing to pleasure you with a vibrator even if he isn’t in the mood for sex himself.

Reach out to a therapist for support

Overcoming differences in sexual desire together can feel challenging. A Couples Therapist and Sexologist can help you avoid the cycles of hurt and negativity you can get stuck in and help you take practical steps together.