Relationship Rehab: Man's sex 'freak out' ruining relationship

The issue is derailing their relationship. Photo / 123RF

This week, resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a person whose partner freaks out if she tries to have spontaneous sex and a woman concerned that her ex-husband's cheating is hurting her new relationship.

HE FREAKS OUT WHEN I WANT SPONTANEOUS SEX

QUESTION: I work full-time and get two days off a week but they're not always on the same day each week, or in a row. Before I started working full-time I had sex with my partner twice a week, Wednesdays and Saturdays, but now I need him to be available other days. I've told him he needs to step up but he can't seem to do it. I try to "come on to him" and he freaks out, he needs to be in charge of when it suits him. Otherwise our relationship is fantastic, but sex just isn't happening. I've tried to talk to him about it but everything I've said has failed. Our relationship is 17 years in the making, but it isn't about sex to him, apparently. What can I do?

The partner may fee overwhelmed when sex is a 'surprise'. Photo / 123RF

ANSWER: Here's the thing about sex in long-term relationships. Most long-term relationships aren't about sex. In a happy, strong relationship, sex is about 20 per cent but when there's a problem with sex or a desire mismatch, it becomes a significant issue within the relationship, and it becomes more like 80 per cent.

It's ultimately a good thing that your relationship isn't all about sex for your partner, but you do need to find a way to manage your mismatched desire and find a way to have a satisfying sex life together.

I'm wondering what it is about the scheduling/preparation that's important to your partner.

Does your partner have a history of sexual abuse? This kind of need for control is often indicative of sexual trauma. I'm also wondering if you partner has very low sexual confidence and therefore feels overwhelmed when sex is a "surprise" or when you initiate.

There's also a communication challenge I hear between you. Many times, couples try to talk about something together and it seems to "fail" or even make things worse. Usually this happens because they're lacking tools for effective communication together. It's something most of us weren't taught.

Aim for understanding of each other before you try to find solutions.

Some helpful questions to ask your partner might be:

•What feelings do you have about this issue?

•Does this relate to your history or childhood in some way?

•Is there a fear or disaster scenario that you have about this?

•What's your ideal outcome here?

•What do you need?

Communication is key when dealing with bedroom issues. Photo / 123RF

It sounds like sex in your relationship is important to you, which is understandable.

Aim to share your experience with your partner – without blaming him.

A helpful three-step process to do this is:

1. Emotion

2. Positive need

3. Request

Here's an example of what it sounds like:

I feel upset when we go long periods without sex. I have a need to feel close and connected to you. Can we have a conversation about how to make it more regular again?

Once you have a better understanding of each other, you'll be in a better position to find ways to work together and compromise on solutions that work for both of you and maintain the relationship.

I CAN'T TRUST MY NEW PARTNER BECAUSE I WAS CHEATED ON

QUESTION: My last husband cheated on me and I think it has left me scarred. I've got a new partner who I really like but I don't think I can trust him. When he goes out without me or doesn't answer my messages straight away I start to feel panicky. What can I do to stop myself from destroying this relationship?

ANSWER: Is your current partner doing things that indicate you can't trust him? Women are often right about their partner's cheating.

If it feels more like your panic is a result of your past, have a clear conversation with your new partner about it. Many people end up with PTSD as a result of their partner cheating. It makes sense that you would be impacted by the past infidelity.

Learn to self-soothe your anxiety by using practices such as deep breathing, naming your emotions or changing your thinking. This can stop you reacting in ways that aren't helpful to the relationship.

Although it might seem that your panic is based on the past, it's important that your current partner can support you in your emotions and needs. Find out if he's willing to take steps to reassure you and help calm your anxiety. (If he's not, move on.)

I also suggest reaching out to your own therapist to resolve your past hurt.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram