Relationship Rehab: Man's 41-year sex secret

The man has held onto a painful secret for decades. Photo / 123RF

This week, resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a 41-year-old man who is desperate to lose his virginity, a woman who would like to introduce sex toys in the bedroom but doesn't know how and a concerned mum who isn't sure if it's safe to have sex with her baby in the room.

HELP! WHY AM I A 41-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN?

QUESTION: It might sound like a bad film title to most people but I really am a 40-year-old virgin – well a 41-year-old virgin to be exact. I never planned to hold out for sex this long but now I feel like I might be a virgin forever.

When I was a teenager I was really shy and thought I'd wait until I met the right girl. Through uni and then my early 20s I felt okay about still being a virgin as I hadn't met anyone I wanted to be that intimate with.

Then once I reached my late 20s I started to panic – would I ever sex and who'd want sex with a virgin who was that old? As time progressed I became more and more ashamed of my virginity and now I don't know how I'd ever tell anyone.

I've dated a few people and had some passionate kisses but apart from that nothing. What should I do about losing my virginity? I really want to but I feel like it will never happen now.

ANSWER:

You're certainly not the first person I've encountered in this situation and I know you won't be the last. I understand the concern and embarrassment you have around this but I also want you to know you're not alone.

Here's the thing: everyone has different beliefs and preferences around sex. There really is no "normal".

You have a few options here. Is losing your virginity with the "right" person still important to you – or are you willing to lose it with someone who feels "okay" just to get it out of the way?

While some women do want someone who is experienced, I know many people who waited until they were married to have sex and many who were what we might consider "older". You may find someone who doesn't have a whole lot of experience themselves and is happy to be with someone who hasn't had other sexual partners.

There's also the possibility to find a more "casual" connection with someone and have sex without the intention of having a longer-term relationship with them. Not everyone is looking for a relationship, in fact some people (women included) are looking for no strings attached relationships. You may find someone who is open to being intimate, that you don't need to disclose your lack of experience to.

Before you do that, you may find it helpful to see a sexologist or sex therapist to give you some practical suggestions on being intimate with someone. There are also some really helpful sex education resources/courses online that have information and practical tips. Both these options might help you feel more confident that you'll know what to do when the time comes.

Depending on the Covid restrictions in your area, you may also want to consider seeing a sex worker who can guide you through your first experience/s of sex. Many sex workers are extremely understanding in situations like this.

While I understand this may not be the solution that you want, keep in mind that many people's "first time" isn't what they expected. It's often an embarrassing, fumbling-in-the-dark experience or a bit of an anti-climax.

By seeing a sex worker, you won't have to worry about your performance or what will happen to the relationship as a result and will have someone who is understanding and can give you clear direction.

HOW DO I INTRODUCES SEX TOYS WITH MY PARTNER?

QUESTION: I'd like to bring sex toys into the bedroom but I'm worried my partner won't be up for it. How do I broach the subject?

ANSWER: Introducing "pleasure toys" into your relationship can be intimidating, especially if you're not sure about how your partner will react. Sex toys are becoming less taboo, but I recognise they're not for everyone.

Introduce the subject with something positive. That way your partner is unlikely to interpret your request as coming from something being "wrong".

Try "I really love when we are intimate together and I'd love to see how we can make it more fun and enjoyable for us both. Would you consider trying a pleasure toy together?"

Suggest going online shopping or doing research together so you can find toys that feel good for both of you.

CAN I HAVE SEX WITH MY BABY IN THE SAME ROOM?

QUESTION: I've got a 6-month-old baby and I feel uncomfortable having sex while she's in the room but my partner says it's fine. What age do you think it's OK up until to have sex with our baby in the room?

ANSWER: This is a good question and I'm aware that the answer to this will be different for people depending on their culture and beliefs about sex.

I agree with your husband here that at 6 months old, your daughter is not going to be impacted by you having sex in the same room. In fact, with the benefits it can have for your relationship, it's likely to impact her positively overall.

Babies and toddlers aren't going to understand what you're doing and provided you're somewhat discreet, isn't going to impact on them. With children who are toddlers through to age 10-12 you might want to be discreet and make sure they're asleep.

That being said, your comfort levels and therefore ability to relax and enjoy yourself may still be affected.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram