How does she tell him the truth? Photo / 123RF
This story contains frank discussion of sex and sexuality
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.
This week, their resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who is seeing a man with a micropenis.
QUESTION:
I have started seeing a man who has a very small penis and I'm not sure how to approach him about it. I don't know if it's small enough to be a micropenis but I'm sure it can't be far off!
I really like him and I'm willing to try and make it work between us but I feel like we both need to address it head-on as the sex isn't working for me. What's the best way to approach a man about how small his penis is? I want to suggest other ways he can give me pleasure without him feeling humiliated or like he's not good enough.
ANSWER: I'll be honest. This is a tough one. You definitely need to tackle this head-on and it's going to be a sensitive discussion.
This guy already knows he has a small penis. There's no way for him not to know. If he hasn't mentioned it to you at all, it's because he feels uncomfortable about it and is hoping that you won't mind.
The age old question.
I want to say size doesn't matter. For some women, this is true, size doesn't matter. However, the reality is I've also heard many women say that they don't feel satisfied by having sex with men with smaller penises – even if they are able to orgasm. Research supports this. Some women experience a reduction in sexual pleasure with reduced penis size.
That being said, as you've noted, there are ways of increasing your pleasure, enjoying sex and having a loving relationship with someone who has a smaller penis size.
You know that you can't change his penis size – that's not what this is about. The real conversation here is about you being unsatisfied in bed and what you can both do about it.
Sex is a sensitive topic for most of us. We often hold deep shame and insecurities about sex. The lack of open conversations about sex in intimate relationships increase these feelings of taboo and discomfort.
Feeling inadequate in the bedroom can leave anyone feeling embarrassed and even like there's something wrong with them.
Starting with something positive helps the other person feel more at ease and reduces shame. Reducing shame and anxiety helps the person stay present during the conversation and be less reactive or defensive.
This might sound like:
I'm really enjoying getting to know you – and the sex has been good too. I've had a lot of fun during sexy time with you so far.
Be clear about what you want and make a clear request.
This might sound like:
I'd really like to explore ways that we can both enjoy ourselves more. I haven't been fully satisfied by partner sex yet, but I think there are things we can do to change that. For example, I love to (insert your ideas here).
Don't just leave your request out there hanging. Give your partner a chance to respond. Ask if that's something he would be interested in or if there's anything he wants.
This might sound like:
Is this something you'd be open to? Are you open to exploring some different options with me?
This is a conversation that is likely to leave you both feeling a bit vulnerable. Finish with reassurance.
This might sound like:
I am really enjoying getting to know you and I think we can have a lot of fun with this. We've got a great connection and I can't wait to explore this with you too.
Denying his small size can reduce trust between you. Be honest, but kind.
This might sound like:
You are smaller than some guys I've been with, but it's not the most important thing for me.
It sounds like you already have some great ideas about this, but here's a few that may also help you both enjoy yourselves more.
• Try different positions – some positions in the Kama Sutra are specifically designed for smaller penises.
• Spend more time in foreplay – many women are unable to reach orgasm during penetration intercourse regardless of penis size. Increasing time in foreplay and including things such as oral sex can help you reach orgasm before penetration.
• Use a sex toy – sex toys are a fun way for couples to increase playfulness and sexual satisfaction in the bedroom.
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.
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