Recovering from infidelity takes time – it also takes meaningful actions to rebuild trust and the relationship. Long-term, you'll need trust, commitment and connection in your relationship if you want it to work.
It sounds obvious, but you need to speak to your wife. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that any contact with him, including via social media isn't okay with you. While it might feel dramatic or unnecessary to her, it's a valid request given the circumstances.
For a relationship to recover from infidelity, the partner who cheated needs to be willing to do what their partner requires to feel comfortable and trusting again. While this can feel unbalanced for a period of time, it's necessary to be able to rebuild your connection.
Your wife also needs to understand what else you expect of her and what you need to rebuild trust and faith in your relationship. What do you need to feel secure in this partnership again? Would it help to have access to her phone? For her to call you when she's out?
Don't allow her to downplay this latest transgression as "nothing" or insignificant. The fact is, she's given attention to someone she cheated with, when her attention should be on re-establishing the relationship you have together.
It would be helpful to understand both why your wife feels the desire to continue a connection with him and why she thinks it's okay after what you've been through together.
There may also be other underlying issues within your relationship which you would benefit from addressing. Your wife needs to make amends and show she's committed to your relationship first.
If you aren't already seeing a couples therapist, consider reaching out to get support.
HELP! I KEEP FALLING FOR THE 'WRONG' PERSON
QUESTION: Why am I attracted to people who aren't good for me? I seem to have one unhappy relationship after another and can only assume I'm picking the wrong people.
ANSWER: You're choosing the "wrong" people due to your own relationship "blueprints"' and patterns.
We choose relationships based on our past (childhood) experiences.
Even when we recognise these patterns as destructive, we unconsciously repeat them until we've healed what's underneath. For example, the child of an alcoholic parent will often end up with an alcoholic partner.
You can only choose differently when you examine and heal your own relationship patterns.
Reflect on the relationships you had with your parents/caregivers in your early childhood and the relationship that they had with each other. Look for patterns in your relationships and partners since then. How have you learned to "be" in relationships in order to get love? That's what needs to change.
Consider exploring with a good therapist to help you identify these patterns and make the changes in how you're showing up.
HOW DO I ACCEPT MY SON BEING GAY?
QUESTION: My son recently came out as gay and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. Does that make me a bad person?
ANSWER: Struggling to come to terms with something doesn't make you a bad person. We all have prejudices and biases that impact us.
It's what you do next that matters.
You have a choice to continue feeling uncomfortable or to take action and make change.
By educating yourself and examining your underlying biases, it's possible to change them. There are plenty of resources (and support groups) available for parents of LBGTQI individuals.
You can learn to be an ally for your son. It might feel uncomfortable at times, but I promise it will be worth it.
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.
