Relationship Rehab column: Staying in an unhappy marriage rarely benefits your kids

'I don’t love my husband and we don’t have sex – should we stay together for the kids?'. Photo / 123rf

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why staying in an unhappy marriage rarely benefits anyone.

Question: I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we’ve got two great kids age 8 and 11. We are no longer in love and our sex life is non-existent but we have decided to stay together for the kids. We get on well enough to live in the same house and we both come from broken homes and don’t want that for our kids. I’ve told a few friends about our situation and they’ve been appalled – they say we’re both wasting our lives when we could move on and be happy with other people. Is staying together for the sake of the kids a bad idea?

Answer: It’s understandable that you would worry about the impact separating will have on your kids. Your kids’ wellbeing is important and you want to do the best you can for them.

Whether it’s been explicitly agreed on or whether one or both parents have made an internal decision, many couples choose to stay together “for the kids” and for convenience. Separating your lives is a huge process to go through – it’s a logistical, financial and emotional upheaval.

That being said, staying together “just for the kids” isn’t always the best option for anyone – including your kids.

How divorce impacts kids

There’s been much debate and concern about the potential impacts parental separation has on children.

The truth is that divorce, in itself, doesn’t always negatively impact kids.

Research shows however, that a minority of people from a divorced home will suffer long-term issues as a result.

However, it’s not divorce itself that impacts children most, but rather other factors such as a lack of resources, fighting between parents, seeing one parent infrequently or frequent changes to living arrangements.

Sometimes, both kids and parents can be better off after a divorce.

The truth is that divorce, in itself, doesn’t always negatively impact children. Photo / 123rf

Parental arguments affect your children

Your kids are already being impacted by your relationship.

Arguments and tension between parents has a measurable impact on children – as much as you might try to hide it from them. In fact, couple conflict even during pregnancy has a measurable impact on children.

I am curious about what “getting along well enough to live in the same home” means for you. Although you may not be fighting, I can’t help but wonder what tension and distance must exist between you.

Your relationship is shaping your kids’ future relationships

I hear that you’re trying to spare your kids the same pain you and your husband experienced in your childhoods. Although your kids won’t come from “a broken home” they are learning about relationships by watching you and yours. And what they’re learning right now isn’t great.

As part of an assessment in couples therapy, I often discuss family history with people. I’ve lost count of the number of times people have said to me “my parents are still together, but they shouldn’t be”. Kids recognise tension and distance in a relationship and that negatively impacts them.

By watching your relationship right now, your kids are forming views of what is normal and how two people should relate to each other.

In your case, it seems they’re not getting to see healthy conflict. They’re also not getting to see intimacy, connection or affection modelled for them. Because relationships are learned behaviour, there’s a good chance this will impact them throughout their life, whether you want it to or not.

By watching your relationship right now, your kids are forming views of what is normal. Photo / 123rf

Consider what happens if one of you meets someone else

While it’s all very well to resign yourself to living together and co-parenting, as human beings, we have an innate drive for connection. It’s a rather large expectation that you would both be able to let this go for the rest of your lives – or at least the next 10 years.

Consider what you expect would happen if either of you meets someone you develop feelings for. You could try to set those feelings aside, but someone is going to get hurt – most likely all of you.

Your children will be upset, but you can support them through it

It’s not what happens to us, but how much support we have when something does happen that makes the difference.

Your kids will no doubt be upset when you let them know you’re separating but giving them emotional support through this transition can reduce any negative impacts.

Waiting until your kids are older doesn’t necessarily make it easier for them to hear this news.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer.