Relationship Rehab column: ‘My wife criticises how I clean and care for our kids’

Relationship expert Isiah McKimmie reveals the real reasons your partner might judge the way you do household chores. Photo / Getty Images

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why there’s more to “nagging” than meets the eye.

Question: I’ve been with my wife for seven years and married for four. When we first got together she was very laid back and we had so much fun. As we’ve got old, life has become harder. We’ve bought a house and had two kids – that alone keeps us both busy. We can’t afford a cleaner or extra help with the kids other than daycare so the agreement is we try to keep things 50/50 in terms of chores and looking after the kids. However, my wife has developed a very specific way of doing things, which began while she was on maternity leave. She often criticises how I parent or clean – and to be honest, I’ve stopped putting in an effort on that front. Why would I vacuum if she’s just going to do it again afterwards? Why would I want to take the kids if she just gives me a massive list of rules? It’s making me feel useless and pull away from our relationship. Why is she like this?

Answer: It’s understandable you feel frustrated and upset about this. I can hear that you’re doing your best to be a good husband and father. It’s painful to feel criticised by the person you love and to be increasingly isolated from your family.

Studies show that women still face more scrutiny over their kids and homes than men. Photo / Getty Images

Why your wife might be criticising you

Reason #1 Society judges her on her house and mothering

Recent studies have shown that women still face more scrutiny over their parenting and housekeeping than men.

Women face harsher social judgement for having a messy home or for their children’s behaviour than men. This leads women to do more household work than men.

Reason #2 She’s becoming more of a perfectionist around the home

Mother-guilt is real. Potential or perceived judgement can lead to women becoming ‘perfectionists’ and seeing their own worth connected to cleanliness and mothering.

Women can end up feeling both shame and anxiety about being ‘a good mother’ and having everything in order in the house.

Unfortunately, when not dealt with well, that can lead to ‘controlling’ behaviours like having certain ways of doing the washing, different ‘standards’ of cleaning and redoing tasks that aren’t up to par.

Just “letting go” of the worry about these judgements isn’t realistic, but there are steps you can take together that can ease it.

Reason #3 It’s her way of asking for more support

Despite your attempts at helping, your wife may still feel unsupported – and is doing her best to ask for connection and teamwork.

Data shows that even when men think they split household chores evenly, they actually don’t. Women still do more household work and carry more of the mental load, the organising and planning of everyone in the household and social activities.

I say this from having listened to so many couples in therapy: underneath criticism is often a longing for more support and understanding.

I know that sounds counterintuitive, but most of us haven’t learned skills for great communication. For some people, their only way of expressing their wants and desires is through criticism. Of course, it tends to have the opposite effect and causes their partner to pull away even more – and do even less to help.

Criticism and pulling away can lead to a vicious cycle

Unfortunately, the more she criticises, the more you’re likely to pull away. And then the more you pull away, the more she is likely to criticise you.

This impacts your relationship and mental health. You both end up feeling hurt and alone.

I’d like to see the two of you take action on this before it gets worse and drives you further apart.

How to break the cycle of criticism and pulling away

Talk about this together. It’s essential for you and your wife to talk about this. You’ll get the best results if you can do it in non-blaming and non-confrontational ways. You’ll both need to share your emotions and needs so that you can work together to overcome this.

When talking to your wife about this, speak using “I language”. Focus on your underlying emotions and what positives outcomes you would like.

For example:

When I clean something and you re-do it, I feel upset. I want to help you more, but I feel inadequate, so I pull away. I need you to accept that I have different ways of doing things.

Ask her to tell you what she needs from you and listen to her without judgement.

Consider getting professional support

Although I understand that finances are a concern for you right now, if this pattern in your relationship continues, it will ultimately become worse – and harder to recover from.

A couples’ counsellor can help you break this pattern, identify the underlying causes of your wife’s behaviour and help you both communicate better.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer.