“You don’t realise it’s happening at first, it just... dwindles. A couple of months passed, then I looked around and thought, oh.” Alex, 32, a marketing director from Manchester, had been with his girlfriend for six years. They lived together and were happy, “very happy” in fact, with their sex life. Until suddenly, they weren’t. One sexless week turned into a fortnight, a month, then more.
Alex is not alone. According to new data, 98 per cent of us assume others are doing it at least once a month. In fact, one in five UK adults has not had sex in the past four weeks. Indeed, according to the nationwide survey commissioned by Hims and Hers, 30 per cent of us are having less sex as a direct result of the cost of living crisis.
Alex and his girlfriend are saving to buy a home together. As their costs spiralled, they found themselves “working hard all day, then planning our personal life and future in the evening. All these pressures and uncertainties just started to take over.”
By the time he realised their sex life had fallen off the schedule, it was hard to broach the subject. “It’s awkward. You’ve gone from being intimate every week, to nothing, and not really understanding the reasons behind it. The longer it goes on, the more unhelpful pressure you put on yourself.”
As a nation, we need to talk about sex. In theory, we are more sexually liberated than ever. In practice, Britain is losing its libido. In 1990-1991 the median frequency with which adults reported having sex in the past month was five. When the next National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles was carried out a decade later, that had fizzled to four. In 2010-12? Three.
Even before the cost of living crisis, evidence pointed towards financial pressures being a passion killer. In recent decades, three National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) have put British sex lives under the spotlight. In 2019, analysis of the data showed that frequent sex was associated with good physical and mental health, but also steady employment and higher earnings.
This rings true for Charlotte, who started major home renovations last year. Shortly after, her husband lost his job. The price of their building materials (and groceries) rocketed. “The effects just snowball,” says the 40-year-old baker from London. “Stress prevented me from sleeping, which made me put on weight, which prevented me from feeling sexually attractive. Lack of intimacy contributed to my stress, and so the cycle continued...”
Remove money from the equation and modern life still leaves many of us feeling overstretched and underappreciated. The most recent Natsal survey, conducted in 2010-12, suggested that a third of women aged between 40 and 59 had not had sex in the past month. When researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, University of Glasgow and University College London asked why, they found it had less to do with menopause and more with being the so-called “sandwich generation” – caring for young children and older parents simultaneously, while juggling careers, social lives and housework.
“The weight of responsibility just crushes all levity,” says Sabrina, a 39-year-old actress from London. “It’s impossible to be spontaneous and relaxed when you’re worried about your children, parents and job.” That said, the practical challenges of keeping up an active sex life have increased in the cost of living crisis. “We’ve been turning the heating off to save money. So for one thing, I now go to bed with too many layers on.”
Does this nationwide decline in intimacy really matter? Alex suggests it might: “Without it, you grow apart a little.” Around four months into his own accidental abstinence, he finally broached the subject with his girlfriend. “We decided to schedule a date night every two weeks. Almost instantly, the fact that we were out in the evening, dressed to the nines, holding hands while walking down the street, rekindled something. You’re so focused on the date, you forget everything else.”
Today, things are back on track. “In an odd way, they’re actually better. Going through something difficult, then relighting the fire, brought us even closer together.”
If you’re suffering from a sex drought, here’s how to fix it, according to the experts.
Explore new sorts of sex
‘Audio is like a blueprint for your mind to fill in the blanks, exactly as you’d like’
Gina Gutierrez is co-founder of Dipsea, a company producing erotic audio stories
There’s a lot of talk about people having less sex. And it’s probably true, on a physical level. But there are certainly more younger people having sex online or on the phone.
It can be a great lower-stakes playground for sexual exploration, but I don’t think it’s a replacement for the connection and chemistry that can be experienced physically.
The majority of our listeners are listening solo, even when they are using it as a tool to improve their relationship. It could inspire and spark new ideas about what they might suggest to a partner, how they might ask, even how to say no to something.
The diversity of the themes, scenarios and sexual preferences available on the Dipsea app reflect just how diverse people’s appetites are. Right now, people are loving Irish accents, and a series called Lone Wolf about a rugged rancher type in the American West.
Ninety per cent of women report using mental framing (in other words, imagining scenarios) to get turned on, according to OMGYes research in partnership with the Kinsey Institute. Audio is like a blueprint for your mind to fill in the blanks, exactly as you’d like.
Asking “What do I want? How can I bring that, confidently, to a partner?” and considering sex as starting with you, rather than with the unit of two people, can have profound consequences.
Deal with mismatched libido
‘For women, libido can drop off over time, while testosterone continues to drive male desire’
Dr David and Ruth Perl, the Married Therapists, offer coaching and counselling to couples and have a successful TikTok account
Ruth: Where one partner has a lower libido and it’s not discussed, lots of frustration can arise. Their partner may want to spice things up, while they’re perfectly happy with things as they are.
If you feel your partner’s vying for sex you don’t want, you can end up withdrawing from them. A vicious cycle is established. The lower-libido partner might feel defensive, when in fact what they’re feeling is totally normal. When couples first get together, levels of desire are high. For women, libido can then drop off over time, while testosterone continues to drive male desire.
@marriedtherapists There are many differences between men and women when it comes to sex. Here David talks about three that we observe in our practice on an every day basis. We are talking about the majority of men and appreciate there are always outliers. #sex #relationshipstruggles #relationships #relationshipadvice #intamacy #healthyrelationship #communication
♬ original sound - The Married Therapists
David: Good communication is key, and sometimes it’s easier to frame your personal experiences in terms of these biological realities. You might say: “It’s typical for male drive to stay higher while female drive slows – do you feel like that’s the case for us?”
Ruth: There are good books couples can read together, to understand the biology behind that libido mismatch, like Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, or Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin.
David: We also recommend The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman [which explains five broad means through which romantic partners express and experience love, from gifts to words of affirmation]. You might be wrongly assuming that your partner receives love in the same way you do. So write down three things that make you feel loved and share it and ask them to do the same.
Ruth: These things may not increase libido, but they can make you more receptive to the idea of sex with your partner.
Rebuild physical intimacy
‘You can work up to it. Focus on the sensual and things will get sexual again’
Adam Wilder, desire and boundaries coach
Getting in touch with our sexuality can be a great source of relaxation when we are feeling stressed and under pressure. But when we’re stressed, our bodies are much less capable of experiencing pleasure. Our posture changes; our neck and shoulders tense. So if you haven’t had sex in a while, forget about feeling like you have to complete the act. That pressure can feel too daunting.
Instead, slow down. When your partner does something thoughtful that you like, mention it, however ordinary it is. People are more open when they feel appreciated.
Next, you might play a sort of game. Lots of people don’t actually know what they want. So ask your partner: “How would you like to be touched for three minutes?” It doesn’t have to be about erogenous zones. They might say: “I’d love you to stroke my hair.” Then swap over.
Then, you can take it to a second stage, ask: “How would you like to touch me for three minutes?” Discuss it – it’s vital no one does anything they’re uncomfortable with. If we want to feel close to our partners, we need to feel free enough to share some of our vulnerability – find a way to ask for how you want to touch or be touched. That’s the key. But you can work up to it. Focus on the sensual and things will get sexual again.
Broach the subject of sex
‘Try to use ‘I’ phrases like ‘This is how I’m feeling’ rather than ‘you’ ones like ‘You’ve been avoiding me’'
Dr Catherine Hood, a specialist in psychosexual medicine, works in private practice and the NHS in London
There are all sorts of things that can affect our libido or our feelings about sex, but talking about it isn’t easy. We worry about how a partner will react to what we say. Sometimes, we don’t understand why we’re feeling that way ourselves.
So establish the habit of regularly checking in about your relationship. Ask the broad questions: “How are we doing?” It needn’t be a heavy conversation about sex. It’s about finding time to build that closeness again.
When you do want to address sex directly, do some preparation. Write down your feelings and what you think would make it better. Then, in conversation, be specific about what you’d like to change. Try to use “I” phrases like “This is how I’m feeling” rather than “you” ones like “You’ve been avoiding me.”
It’s also best not to talk about sex when you’re expecting to have it, or you risk having a very emotional conversation. Breakfast can be a good time to break the ice. You might gently say: “Can we chat about this later?” A knee-jerk response might be defensive. So just open the door, then give yourselves time to think before discussing it fully.
