Relationship expert sparks debate with social media usage 'red flag' question

A leading relationship expert sparked a debate online after asking whether it's considered a "red flag" if your partner is constantly on social media. Photo / 123rf

In 2022, you'd be hard pressed to find an aspect of life that isn't impacted by social media.

And dating is no different — as evidenced by the debate that was sparked earlier this week when a leading Australian relationship expert asked if it's considered a "red flag" for your partner to be constantly scrolling on their phone.

"Love it or hate it social media is part of our lives, but what impact does it have on our dating life and relationships?" Perth-based matchmaker, dating expert, podcast host and writer Louanne Ward wrote in a post to her Facebook group, She Said He Said.

"If you were dating someone who was addicted to social media, would it be a red flag? How much is too much?"

Her question prompted a wide-ranging discussion among the group's more than 2300 members, one man going so far as to say he would break up with someone if they were on social media too much.

"My pet hate is when you are on a first date and they are constantly on social media. Been on a few dates like that before, it's so rude and disrespectful," another wrote, to which someone else agreed: "They would be shown the door, because that means the virtual world is more important to them than time with their partner."

"For me, I want someone I can have intelligent conversations with — if they open their phone halfway through a date or dinner, it comes across like they're incapable of that," one woman commented.

Social media can become a form of behavioural addiction that impairs other areas of life including relationships, the expert says. Photo / 123rf

"It would be annoying if you were trying to say something to them, and they're so engaged with what they were doing that it felt like you were talking to a brick wall all the time," wrote one man.

"So red flag? Maybe not, but annoying? Most definitely."

Asked whether, in this day and age, a partner constantly being on social media is indeed a red flag, Ward told news.com.au it can be — for a number of reasons.

"Social media can become a form of behavioural addiction that impairs other areas of life including relationships," she explained.

"It is dopamine inducing with the same neural circuitry that triggers the reward centre of the brain, causing a chemical reaction [in the same way] as drugs or gambling would.

"Whilst your partner is on social media, they are disengaged in real connections and the focus is on them. They are seeking validation and attention in order to get their fix."

The amount of time they're spending on social media, Ward added, "takes them away from other things like being present in the relationship", as well as other commitments, like work or exercise.

"If they are constantly thinking about what to post, they use it to forget problems and get stressed when they can't use it," she said.

"It's the first thing they do when they wake up and the last thing they do before they sleep."

And while excessive use of a platform like Instagram or Twitter "isn't always a result of an addiction", "nobody wants to compete for someone's attention with a screen, so it's important to have boundaries and limit your screen time while you are with others and be present in the conversation", Ward said.

If you notice that your partner is constantly on their phone, Ward advised it's "always best to start the conversation by explaining how it is affecting you and impacting the relationship".

"Don't accuse them, blame them or try to control the outcome," she added.

"You could try asking what it is they are getting from social media that you could help fulfil. Ask them if you could find a solution together to limit the amount of time they are spending [on social media].

"You could also share your concerns about the links between social media and negative mental health, and let them know you are there to help."