New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: I am 55, and my husband is 75. We’ve been married for 25 years. He is retired and keeps himself busy while I am at work. Lately, he waits for me every day — with bated breath — so we can have sex when I get home. He complains that I can’t keep up with him sexually. But I need some me time: he doesn’t consider that I work full time, have a lengthy commute and still have to make dinner. I can’t talk to my friends about this; they would think I was crazy. Should I have him checked by a doctor? Is he suffering from early dementia? I love him, but he is wearing me out. Would I be better off without him? — WIFE
A: I am not a doctor or mental health professional, so I can’t diagnose conditions like dementia or hypersexuality — even if I had a better understanding of your sexual history with your husband or when his requests for sex became overwhelming to you. I don’t need that information to empathise with you, though. It can be disheartening to fall out of step with an intimate partner.
Still, I can Google as well as the next guy, and, indeed, becoming overly interested in sex can be a symptom of dementia. Encourage your husband to see a doctor. I can also imagine that retirement is lonely for some people. You say he “keeps himself busy”, but if his daily life doesn’t include meaningful engagement with other people or activities, that might cause him to cling to you.
Please don’t neglect yourself. I’m sorry you don’t feel comfortable confiding in a friend. You need to talk to someone, though, or you may become isolated (or prematurely leave a husband you love). So, consult a doctor or therapist about your experience, too. You both need more information — and support — before deciding how to move forward.