Dame Cindy Kiro addresses media in London to convey a heartfelt message from the new King ahead of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral on Monday. Video / Adam Pearse
OPINION:
There is no correct way to grieve the death of the late Queen Elizabeth II, so profoundly individual were our connections to her. But there are surely incorrect ways, and dressing a chihuahua as a Grenadier Guardsman is probably one of them.
This is what the Instagram page of Edinburgh Chihuahua Cafe, a hospitality venue which very much does what it says on the tin (unless you think it's serving them up) did last weekend. "It's what she would have wanted," a lot of people have said, in a lot of different situations, and with varying degrees of certitude, over the past eight days. I think we can say with some safety that Queen Elizabeth would not have really minded if Edinburgh Chihuahua Cafe had sat this one out.
Won't somebody think of the poor customer-facing businesses? While the monarchy and the Government pressed play on longstanding plans for this time of national mourning, faced with a loss they knew was coming as well as any of us – which is only to say, at some point, probably in the not too distant future – it has become painfully, and occasionally hilariously, clear that there was no Operation London Bridge in place for brands.
First came the incongruous tributes. "Everyone at Domino's joins the nation and the world in mourning the death of Queen Elizabeth II," the pizza chain posted, on a black background. Was Her Majesty a Meatilicious kind of gal, or more into the Vegi Volcano? We may now never know, but perhaps it is right that we don't.
"For 70 years, she stewarded us through our darkest and brightest days," wrote the British Kebab Awards. A laser hair-removal service extended discounts to its customers, "to celebrate and remember Our Queen". Whether you had to leave with the shape of a corgi etched onto your body was not made clear. Playmobil, the toymaker, posted a photograph of a figurine that presumably was meant to be Her Majesty, but in fact resembled Mary Poppins, only with hooks for hands.
CrossFit, a high-intensity fitness regimen not normally known for sombre displays of communal emotion – unless you count yelling "PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY" at aircraft hangars full of hyperventilating stockbrokers – posted a workout called "Queen Elizabeth II". It included 70 jumping lunges, one for every year of her reign, then "1 min rest in silence", and closed on "96 double unders".
The CrossFit tribute workout in full, in case you are interested in remembering Her Majesty while staying fit. Photo / Instagram
Hooters, the bar known for its hotpant-wearing waitresses, declared the Queen "a shining example of dedication and an inspiration to girls and women for decades". Unlike, for instance, Hooters. The British Vape Company decided to suspend deliveries.
It wasn't just online, of course. Morrisons, which is having quite some week, turned the sound down on its checkouts, as if muting the beeps for people attempting to scan tins of spam would have the same effect as muffling Big Ben.
In Manchester, a ride-on toy version of Bing Bunny, the CBeebies character, had an A4 sheet of paper taped to his forehead. "As a mark of respect to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II we are suspending the use of this ride whilst the nation is in mourning," it read. "Thank you for your understanding." Because nothing would spit in the face of our constitutional monarchy quite like a toddler being sat in a miniature car with a four-foot anthropomorphic black rabbit made of plastic. Imagine if the child visibly enjoyed it. In fact, don't imagine that; it is simply too much to bear.
But perhaps it was dear old Center Parcs which won the week. Plenty of companies – McDonald's, Waitrose, Wetherspoons – are closing some of their outlets for some or all of Monday 19, for the state funeral, but what would become of holiday parks, which are already booked? Center Parcs, which doesn't even close on Christmas Day, had originally asked guests to leave its sites on Monday "as a mark of respect" and to allow employees to "be part of this historic moment".
Suddenly, watching the BBC's livestream of The Queue sounded appealing.
With just two tweets, Center Parcs unleashed a storm. Photo / Twitter
It then backtracked. Guests could stay, but they would have to remain in their lodges, effectively placing people under house arrest. "Thanks Amy," one person responded to the poor social media manager tasked with handling queries. "Will guests be shot on sight if they leave their lodgings or will there be some sort of warning? Probably best to let the mother in law head out first just in case!"
Center Parcs had to clarify further: "Apologies for my wording, you will be allowed to walk around the village, but the facilities will be closed. Thanks, Amy." By the end of the day, "Poor Amy" was trending on Twitter.
"There is no grief like the grief that does not speak," the 19th-century American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote. A few brands could have heeded that sentiment this week. But, while a cloud hangs over the country, at least we've been given the odd smile. In a way, it's what she would have wanted.
