Pushing Theron buttons

Charlize and James seemed so happy together but could it last? Not really. Picture / Chris Skelton

The following is based on a true story - names, places and the photograph above have not been altered in any way.

It's a story of boy meets girl if you ignore the photographer in the corner, which is what I did. There was no bed in this room in SkyCity's Grand Hotel so I made myself comfortable on a chair.

Then there she was, alone, vulnerable, powerful, hot (eventually I asked her to crank up the air conditioning; she obliged).

"I turned it off because it was like an icebox in here."

Read into that what you will but let's just say things were heating up.

From the moment our eyes met it was just a matter of time (12 minutes to be exact) before Charlize Theron would throw her arms around me. When you meet Hollywood stars you have to be careful not to push the wrong buttons, so I came armed with ice-breaking button pushers: gifts.

The peace offering was two CDs - Nature's Best 2 (a compilation of New Zealand music) and the essential Billy Idol's Greatest Hits.

Her gratitude was genuine. When she saw Idol, she exclaimed: "Hey, I live next door to him in LA."

"So you won't need that CD then," I said, mindful that even though it was a bargain at $14.99 at The Warehouse, it was the only one I saw. Just as I went to snatch the disk back, Theron's grip tightened. Clearly she works out.

"No, I love it," she said, before launching into song: "In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more . . ."

To which I replied: "With a rebel yell, she cried more, more, mo-o-ore. . ."

We could have gone on. Well I could have - Billy Idol lyrics are etched in the memory. But we were here on business. The 30-year-old is promoting the film North Country, in which she plays a Minnesota coal miner who stands up against rampant sexual harassment at her workplace.

Saw it. Theron nailed it. I admit I got a bit teary. Theron says New Zealand director Niki Caro did "a beautiful job".

There are no instructions of what not to ask, which gives me leeway to probe.

"Super 14 rugby is starting soon. How 'bout them Cats?"

The Oscar-winning South African actress, who grew up in Cats country near Johannesburg, is acutely aware of the difficult road ahead.

"Yeah it's big. I love rugby. I don't like cricket. I grew up watching [legendary Springbok first five] Naas Botha."

Theron is also hooked on Australian Open tennis. Even after spending Thursday at Piha, with dinner at the surf club, she was up until 1.30am watching giant-killing Cypriot Marcos Baghdatis defeat Argentinian David Nalbandian in five sets. "I love tennis but I'm a horrible player."

I'm not a horrible player but now isn't the time to rub it in. Instead I hit her with my idea for a movie called The Runner-Up - it's about a radio DJ who's sick of coming second at everything so when he loses his job he decides to write a No 1 song.

"It sounds like Wedding Crashers," she says, which I take as a killer blow. "But that's a good thing," she reassures me. "Hollywood is looking for stuff like that. I love the idea. Is there a woman in it?"

"Well, he needs a love interest," I say.

"You see, that's the problem," says Theron, "people aren't writing enough roles for women and when they do, it's the love interest."

"I also need a bitch."

She mulls it over. "I'd like to play the guy. Why can't a girl be the runner-up?"

Ordinarily I wouldn't let a beautiful Hollywood megastar hijack my script, but I can relate to Theron. We both had humble rural beginnings, only my farm wasn't frequented by baboons. Life on the High Veldt was tough, but surely she had lots of pets. What was her first pet called? "I had a goat called Bok, which is Afrikaans for goat."

And what road, per chance, did she live on?

"Oh, you're trying to find out my porno name."

Guilty as charged. This formula - to pair the name of your first pet with the name of your first street - gives you your porn name. I wasn't intending to go down this road but Theron doesn't mind.

"That's okay. I hang out in some pretty seedy places. My porno name's not very exciting. I lived on Seventh Rd."

Well it's not Muffy Mount Eden, but you'd remember an actress called Bok Seventh. The correct way to say Theron, by the way, is "Tron" but roll the r. When she arrived in the US she rhymed her name with heron but the Americans made it their own, calling her "Therone".

She became the first African Oscar winner (unless you count Casablanca) for her lead role as an ugly serial killer in Monster. Fact is, Theron is as warm as the Kalahari, as alert as a gazelle and as fun-loving as a meerkat. Her only blip in the perfect woman test is the lack of a librarian voice ("I sound like a man") but despite that she has managed to find a fiance - Irish actor Stuart Townsend, who doesn't have a newspaper column.

She happily agrees to pose for a photo with me so I let her choreograph. She moves in close, puts her arms around me and for a brief moment time stands still. I can't say the same for the sweat departing my armpits.

The farm girl from the south country says thanks again for the music and reiterates that I should write a script for a woman. I let her know my business card is in the CDs so "stay in touch".

"Sure, I'll call you later on," she says, longingly.

"Yeah, we can watch the tennis," I say, sweatily.

Back at the newsroom, my attempts to relive these golden moments are dashed. The dictaphone tape is blank; I'd pushed play instead of record. Yes, I took shorthand notes but they suffered as I was trapped in her green-eyed tractor beam. Every button you push can't always be the right one. But then I'm glad I pushed Theron buttons.

Charlize Theron went on to catch a plane last night to attend the Screen Actors' Guild Awards in Los Angeles.

James McOnie is still a writer and social touch player in Auckland, New Zealand.

At publication time, Theron still hadn't called him.


- HERALD ON SUNDAY