For many empty-nesters and retirees, closing the door on child-rearing and work means rediscovering the freedom to unleash their inner desires. Photo / Getty Images
For many empty-nesters and retirees, closing the door on child-rearing and work means rediscovering the freedom to unleash their inner desires. Photo / Getty Images
A review in the Lancet found 86% of men and 60% of women aged 60-69 are sexually active.
Suzanne Noble and two other women, the ‘Queen Bees’, challenge stereotypes about sex after 60.
They offer advice on intimacy, body confidence, and using medication to enhance sexual pleasure.
It’s a common misconception that as people get older they all lose their libido. Yes this may be true for some, but for many empty-nesters and retirees, closing the door on child-rearing and work means rediscovering the freedom to unleash their inner desires.
According to a review publishedin the Lancet, 86% of men and 60% of women aged between 60 and 69 reported being sexually active, as did 59% of men and 34% of women aged between 70 and 79.
“I’ve spoken to lots of older people who have lost their body confidence because society is telling them they shouldn’t want it anyway; there’s this general trend towards ‘well, if I’m not wanted then I’ll just stop’,” laments Suzanne Noble from London, the 63-year-old host of the Sex Advice For Seniors podcast. “It’s been taboo for so long. I think those of us who are still interested in having an active sex life need more role models.”
Noble is stepping forward as one of those role models. Alongside her are Judith Vandepeer Delgado, a 61-year-old burlesque dancer from Hastings who performs on stage regularly as Pupin DeVert, and 70-year-old Tina Pemberton, whose senior dating TikTok account (@tinagoesdating) has become a viral phenomenon.
The three have been selected by online sexual wellness brand Lovehoney as the Queen Bees – senior sex ambassadors who aren’t afraid to talk about sex after 60.
“There are some people who, as they get older, will not want to have sex anymore, and that’s fine,” says Vandepeer. “But it’s not age-related, it’s your own choice. It’s my choice to continue having sex because I love it. I just don’t understand why there’s that thought that sex becomes irrelevant when you get to this age.”
Armed with questions about sex from Telegraph readers, we sat down with the Queen Bees to get the honest answers …
There are a variety of ways ageing can affect intimacy. What do you need to know about the future of your sex life? Photo / Getty Images
Q: I’m a 76-year-old man and still interested in sex. My wife, who I love dearly, has gone off it. Any suggestions on how I can gently reintroduce intimacy into our marriage?
Tina Pemberton: The reason some women lose their libido is because they’re tired and can’t be bothered. Domesticity can kill a relationship. Start having more date nights, leave for a few days and meet in a hotel to pretend you’re having an affair, invest in some sexy new lingerie or underwear rather than climbing into bed in your tatty old pyjamas. You have to create romance.
Suzanne Noble: There’s a technique for couples called sensate. It is simple and has been proven to work but you both have to want it. You agree that for a whole week you’re not going to have penetrative sex, but instead you’re going to do something every day which will allow you to connect physically but without involving your genitals. That might be anything from a long kiss to giving each other massages. You slowly build up the desire until you can’t wait to be intimate again.
Judith Vandepeer Delgado: You could also try to find something else which helps your wife feel energetic and excited. For me, that’s dancing – it helps me connect with my body. That seems to spark something in the brain which fills you with confidence and reignites desire. The more sex you have, either with a partner or by yourself, the more you want it. It’s like a box of chocolates: once you have one, you want another.
Q: I’ve read about treatments and medications that can make sex more pleasurable in my 70s, but my doctor fobs me off. How can I get him to take me seriously?
SN: Most doctors I see are quite significantly younger and often male. When they look at me they’re thinking about their mums, and they don’t want to think about their mums having sex. But there is a lot of medication that can help, whether it’s making sex more pleasurable, reducing pain or enhancing libido. Understand what your choices are and go to the doctors armed with information. They won’t suggest stuff to you, but if you know what you want and ask for it, they will give it to you. Ask your friends, search on Google, or listen to my podcast, Sex Advice For Seniors, for information.
TP: Once I entered the menopause I asked doctors for help and they fobbed me off with K-gel or pessaries which didn’t help. I asked to speak to a female doctor and found things got much better after that.
A lack of sex is common in long-term heterosexual relationships, especially as women go through menopause. Photo / Getty Images
Q: When our children moved out after 30 years, I thought my husband and I would be able to get back to having sex more regularly, but he’s not interested. How can I overcome this?
SN: This is a great time of life to redesign the relationship that you want, so have that discussion. When the kids leave home, ask yourself what you want your life to look like. Do you want to go travelling together? Take up hobbies? And what sort of sex do you want to have?
TP: I had to leave my marriage seven years ago because we were fundamentally not aligned on what we both wanted. At times I wondered if I was being stupid, or if I should go back to my husband, but I’ve got past that. Rediscovering yourself and what you want is so important because it changes. When you’re older it can be the most exciting time of your life.
JVD: You’re reaching a time when you know yourself well. It’s a time to re-evaluate what you’re doing, what you’re going to do for the next 20 to 30 years. Get out there and do whatever it is you want to do. Make the most of it because you’re still yourself, you still have that in you, so let it out.
Q: I caught my 70-year-old husband watching porn. Is this normal?
SN: I often hear from women who are worried about their partner because they’ve caught them watching porn, they’ve gone off sex, they’re struggling with erectile dysfunction. Porn can give unrealistic expectations about sex. It can become addictive. If anything like that is happening then you may want to tell him you’ve discovered him watching porn and you’re wondering how often he does that. Have a conversation without shame or blame.
TP: Porn has negative connotations but it can be fun to consume together. We imagine that porn is seedy, but it can be stimulating to watch together. Why don’t you ask if he’d be open to watching something with you?
JVD: That can spark a lot of discussions as to what you might like and what you don’t. It can be a way in, as a couple, to looking at where your pleasures lie, where your boundaries lie and what might work for you. It has the potential to bring up those conversations.
Dating after becoming widowed can be a daunting prospect. Photo / 123rf
Q: After losing my wife of 50 years, I’ve started getting back into the dating game as a 76-year-old. I’ve had some lovely dates, but none seem interested in going out again, what am I doing wrong?
JVD: Invest time into your hobbies and passions. When you have something that you’re passionate about, that makes you attractive. There’s nothing sexier than meeting someone who is really into something. It gives you a spark, so find out what that is and pursue it. I often see guys who, especially after they’ve retired, don’t do anything.
SN: Since this person has written in, I would imagine they have some self-awareness but, I’ll just say that I have spent too much time on dates listening and not being asked anything about my own life. There’s nothing more unattractive than a man who is preoccupied with himself. I wish more men would be curious.
TP: In my experience, men have a big problem paying compliments to women. If I’ve made the effort to get ready, I want that to be acknowledged. So many men don’t have a clue. Honestly, pay a woman a compliment and you’ll be head and shoulders above the majority of the competition.
Q: My husband would like to have more sex, but as I’ve got older, I’ve found that sex has become painful. What can I do?
SN: As an older woman, you have to use it or you’ll lose it. Whether that’s on your own or with somebody else. Things literally dry up. Try enjoying a bit of “you time”, it’s important. If you’re feeling stuck, a good doctor or nurse should be able to help look into if there’s something like hormonal imbalances or medical issues. You could also see a sex therapist, who can offer specialised advice and strategies.
TP: It can be as simple as changing positions. When you’re getting older, your back and your knees start going. I used to love kneeling but it kills my knees now – you can’t get rid of that, so you have to find ways that you don’t hurt yourself. It can be quite funny to experiment sometimes. If you need a lubricant, I just use a simple water-based one – there are loads out there.
JVD: You can get all manner of good lubricants. I can recommend Pjur Woman Nude, which is water-based and great for sensitive skin.
It might feel like a young person's game, but dating apps are a great way to meet people, no matter your age. Photo / Getty Images
Q: I’m a widower and not looking for a new relationship, but I’d like to continue having sex. How do you meet people in later life?
TP: I know it feels like a young person’s game, but apps are a great way to meet people. For me it was very alien, but if you do it often enough you’ll get good at communicating what you’re looking for and finding people who are the same. Even if you’re not interested in a relationship, go on dates. You can’t tell someone’s personality or whether they have sex appeal from a picture.
JVD: I have been on the apps in the past and had loads of fun, but I’m at a stage when I’m not enjoying that anymore. I would certainly say give them a go if you’ve not done it before, because it’s fun. If you feel like it’s not for you, then look at trying to meet people in real life. If you’re into history, or gardening, or dance; go and attend things around your interest, then your social network grows and you meet people. It’s tough, but don’t lose heart.
SN: I don’t use any of the typical dating sites anymore. I mainly meet people through the old-fashioned alternative websites where there’s no swiping, such as eHarmony. There are more older people on those sites. If you’re a man, I would recommend you fill in your profile fully and choose nice pictures. Some older men are incapable of taking a nice photograph of themselves, they make no effort. Some men on dating apps look like murderers. Seriously, they’re scary!
Q: I’m a widow and have just started dating again. I am dreading taking my clothes off in front of a new partner, what can I do?
TP: For me this was very difficult when I first left my marriage. The first time I met someone I wanted to be with, I felt self-conscious. In this situation it’s better if you both take each other’s clothes off. It’s a more intimate way to do it without you feeling self-conscious, because it’s more organic; you feel connected.
SN: When I’m going to meet up with someone, I have a whole ritual attached to it. I have a shower, I do my hair, I put on some lingerie, I decide what I’m going to wear, I might be in some heels, I might light some candles or put on soft music. I might wear a fun negligee or something sexy; something that makes me feel good about my body.
JVD: For me, being naked doesn’t feel as sexy as being dressed up. I love lingerie. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself. I’m normally quite a reserved person, but there’s something about doing burlesque that puts you into this larger-than-life persona. After a while that leaches into your everyday life. The confidence rebounds on you. Find whatever that thing is for you.
Q: I’ve never tried a toy before but my friends have told me good things. Do you have any suggestions?
SN: I’d advise you to start simple and look for toys with one button. Nothing is less sexy than being in the moment and fumbling around for a manual.
TP: This person doesn’t say if they want to use the toy alone or with a partner, but if it’s the latter, I’d suggest talking about it with them first. A lot of men in my experience get offended. It becomes “oh, am I not good enough?” If you make it something you can do together then he’ll be able to see what pleasure he can give to a woman with this tool. Lovehoney does a simple one called a Magic Wand which is good for beginners.
JVD: There’s a lot of experimenting you can do, some you’ll enjoy, some you won’t, but go out and try. My recommendation for a fuss-free toy for first-timers is Lovehoney mon ami Silicone Bullet Massager – it’s small, easy to use, with a silky, non-plastic feel.
Q: My husband of 40 years is suffering from erectile dysfunction but refuses to take Viagra, what can I do?
TP: Most women get their most pleasure without penetration actually. So don’t think of penetration as the most important factor. You can still have an active sex life without it. Also Viagra doesn’t always work when you’ve had a drink or if you’re on other medications. If he’s tried it before and it hasn’t worked and that’s knocked his confidence, get him to speak to his doctor to find something else.
SN: There’s a lot of shame around taking medication – whether it’s Viagra or vaginal oestrogen. People feel that they’re not good enough as they are. But as we get older, some things get more difficult – that’s life. These medications exist to help you have the sex life that you desire and deserve. Start having the sex that works for you rather than stopping entirely.
