Parenting can get complicated when one partner is away

It is important for couples to agree that the partner who remains home is not the sole parent. Photo / Holly Stapleton, The New York Times

We asked experts about how to leave and re-enter with minimal friction.

The moment my husband walks through the door after travelling for work — something he does about a third of the year — is pandemonium. Our two sons pounce on him. Our dog loses her mind. And I feel a mixture of love, relief and resentment.

Caring for our kids while my husband travels is nothing at all like single parenting. I do not bear the full emotional, logistical and financial weight of raising our children, nor do I face the isolation and overwhelm single parents so often experience. During the years when he left me alone with our baby and toddler, I could still cry on the phone with him. We split the bills and share a home.

Still, our arrangement often feels disorienting. When my husband is away, my two children and I are an efficient unit. Then comes “Dada,” with his bear hugs and spicy tacos — and a need to be reminded of who gets picked up from what after-school activity when.

Terrence Real, a family therapist and author of, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, said direct, regular communication is especially important in arrangements like mine. He believes couples need to prioritise regular check-ins and explicitly “contract” household duties with each other, making their respective expectations and commitments clear.

“When one partner travels a ton, the other one often de facto becomes more of the primary caretaker,” Real said. “How does everybody feel about it? Well, nobody knows. Nobody ever talks about it.” I asked him and other experts for strategies that can help couples manage the emotional and logistical complexities of “solo” parenting.

Focus on teamwork even from afar

Eve Rodsky, the author of Fair Play — a book about divvying up domestic labour, which has also spawned a documentary and nonprofit — said it is important for couples to agree that the partner who remains home is not the sole parent, and to proceed accordingly.

That means the travelling partner must stay engaged, Rodsky said, and not just with phone calls or FaceTime. Find practical ways to help from a distance, she recommended.

Perhaps the travelling parent can order groceries online from a shared shopping list, she said, or manage an extracurricular activity or two. That might mean doing things like making sure the soccer schedule is-up-to-date on the family calendar (itself an important tool) or coordinating weekly car pools.

Treat arrivals and departures with care

Military spouses have extensive experience with solo parenting, said Stephanie Allen, marketing and communications director for the Military Spouse Advocacy Network, whose husband has served in the Navy for more than a decade.

She noted that “homecoming briefs” for military spouses tend to emphasise the importance of clear conversation around expectations. Before her husband returns from a deployment, for instance, they will discuss on the phone or in an email: What has the routine been? Are there any new rules or conventions in place?

They will also talk about their own needs. Will her husband need some time to decompress? Or can he dive into being the primary caregiver for a few days so she can catch her breath?

Rodsky urged all couples to have a “re-entry check-in” within the first 24 hours. Put it on the calendar, and keep the conversation around 10 minutes, she said. Though you might be eager to catch up or even unload on each other after being apart, your sole focus is: What tasks do each of us want to handle this week?

Dive into the ‘daily grind’

I am much happier when my husband is home. We all are. But the first 24 to 48 hours feel chaotic, as our rhythms and routines shift.

Rodsky believes that having the returning parent focus on “daily grind” tasks may be a useful strategy for many families looking to mitigate some of that initial turmoil. That means housework (dishes, laundry and taking out the garbage), grocery shopping and making meals — tasks that are eternal and largely unchanging.

Of course, some returning parents will be eager to dive back into child care, and families will settle on different arrangements, Rodsky said. What matters is that each partner takes full ownership of their given tasks, from conception through execution, she said — noting that doing so can be an important antidote to the longstanding gender gap in housework and the mental load carried by the parent who stayed behind. So, if you are on garbage duty, you don’t just empty the bin; you replace the liner and take it out to the street.

“Think of your home as an organization and not just some place where you say ‘we’ll figure it out’ or ‘we’re going to default to the woman because of gender expectations,’” Rodsky said.

Beware of letting the travelling partner play the part of the “fun parent,” Real said. Instead, think of diving into the more tedious parts of caregiving as an act of enlightened self-interest, Real said.

“You’re dog tired, and you don’t want to,” he said, “but you do it because it’s an investment in your happiness.”

My husband and I have not done the kind of deliberate contracting the experts I spoke to recommended, but now it’s on the family calendar.

I will also give credit where it is due: He used to come home from the road and flop on the living room rug to play Legos, or doze off for a few minutes while the boys babbled on about their week. Now, he often comes home with arms full of groceries — then heads straight to the kitchen.

Written by: Catherine Pearson

Photographs by: Holly Stapleton

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