Pam Ayres just wants to be funny

By PENNY ASHTON

It gave me such a figure, I can't believe it's mine

I showed it to my husband and it made his eyeballs shine

And when I served the breakfast the kids cried out hooray

Here comes their darling mother with her bosom on a tray.

- The Wonderbra Song

In November 1975, when Billy Connolly was No 1 on the British charts with his cover of Tammy Wynette's classic D. I. V. O. R. C. E., a 26-year-old poet from Oxfordshire called Pam Ayres was nervously preparing for her television debut.

The show was Opportunity Knocks, and by topping the talent show's clapometer, Ayres kickstarted a near-30-year career of gently entertaining audiences throughout the Commonwealth. Two million books sales later and Pam Ayres is a name synonymous with comical poetry.

In 1998-1999 she was the fifth best-selling poet in Britain, and recently her most famous piece, Oh I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth, was voted into the top 10 of the nation's favourite comic poems in a BBC poll.

It's a far cry from life in Stanford-in-the-Vale, where Ayres was born into a family of four older brothers in 1947. Her working life, she explains down the phone from the Cotswolds, in that voice we remember from TV, began in various "deeply boring" clerical jobs that never satisfied her urge to perform.

In an effort to find excitement Ayres even did a four-year stint in the Women's Royal Air Force. "I have been portrayed as some Mata Hari figure," she laughs, "but unfortunately the reality wasn't that exotic."

After her time in the WRAF, Ayres returned to clerical work but was quickly bored again and "desperate to break out". It was then she succumbed to the urging of friends and tried out for Opportunity Knocks.

"I was petrified of making a fool of myself," she recalls. After all, Hi-de-Hi's Su Pollard had lost to a singing dog.

But Ayres won and fame followed. But fame costs, and she was not ready to deal with the pressures of television contracts and meddling producers.

"I got far too much too soon. I was a guest on This Is Your Life at only 27."

After three years the TV madness ended, and Ayres began slowly consolidating a career of radio, children's books, live performances and much-loved poetry.

It is interesting to learn then that Ayres doesn't consider herself a poet.

"I'm not saying that what I do is easy," she explains. "It's very hard. It's just I never felt like a poet proper because my goals are different. I don't want to provoke thought or be profound, I just want to make my audience feel at home and give'em a laugh."

This view may also have been shaped by the fact that Ayres has never felt welcomed by the poetry establishment. It seems it is a common literary snobbery that comical works are less valued in critical circles, especially if those works are commercially successful.

New Zealand's Roger Hall has often railed against this, but Ayres seems to accept it as a given.

Instead, she aligns her work to the music hall tradition, a "pleasant shuffling of words to get a comic effect".

For Ayres, comedy is what it's all about. "Getting a laugh is the most important thing. You take an idea, shape it, perform it, and if they laugh you've got it right."

In this sense she is like any other neurotic comedian, constantly searching for that laugh to make it all worthwhile. If the reviews are anything to go by, it's working.

"She describes mundane situations in a way that reduces you to tears of laughter," said the Gloucestershire Echo.

These mundane situations of everyday life are Ayres' main source of inspiration. Her works are like a diary of her existence, a rhyming autobiography that chronicles her passage through marriage, childbirth and maturity.

"I think there is more humour to be found in family life than in any elaborately constructed gag."

This is well evidenced with a quick flick through her anthologies. Titles such as I am Going to Kill My Husband, Thoughts of a Late-night Knitter and Baby's Dinner Time reflect Ayres' strong domestic themes.

It is possibly because of this that so many people relate to her comedy - the laugh of a shared experience is always a memorable one.

Accordingly, Ayres' marriage to concert promoter Dudley and the birth of her sons, James and William, are events which feature prominently in her verse. Do they mind having their foibles displayed for all to laugh at?

She laughs and says all three men in her life are "very stoical" about it.

This is Ayres' sixth visit to New Zealand, a country she feels a special connection with as both her sons have spent time here, although she adds that William's car was stolen during his stay. (She would like to say "thanks ever so much" to the Browns Bay police for finding it.)

It is also the only place where she has experienced an earthquake, in her favourite New Zealand town, Napier.

There is an inscription on the waterfront in Napier she particularly likes. "Courage - that is the thing, all fails if courage fails."

It makes sense, given that Ayres believes courage above all else is what you need to make it in the harsh world of entertainment - and good oral hygiene and a particularly uplifting Wonderbra.

* Who: Pam Ayres

* Where and when: Auckland Town Hall, February 13; Forum North, Whangarei, Feb 14; Founders Theatre, Hamilton, Feb 20; Baycourt Arts Centre, Tauranga, Feb 22,23