Our sex lives change over time – how to talk openly about it with your partner

Open, compassionate conversations about sex can improve intimacy. Photo / 123RF

While sex can be one of the most intimate experiences a couple can share, it can also be incredibly difficult to talk about it.

Marian O’Connor, a psychoanalytic couples therapist and psychosexual therapist at Tavistock Relationships, knows just how tricky a topic sex can be.

But with more than 35 years’ experience under her belt, she knows a thing or two about getting the conversation started.

Why is it important to talk about sex?

If both partners are happy with the frequency of their sex life and the pleasure it brings, then action speaks louder than words. But, like anything that isn’t going well in a relationship, the more it is buried, the more it becomes an issue.

Speaking up about what is going on for each of you, however uncomfortable, shifts things. Of course it’s normal for this to feel difficult; sex is a sensitive area, and you’ll need confidence to broach the subject, and a willingness to invest time and effort in it. If it matters, you will want to do something about it.

In my practice, I encourage couples to think about the health of their relationship generally. Are they supportive of each other? Do they have fun? Do they listen to what their partner says? Do they cuddle often? Is sex important to them? These questions open up thinking around what they both want.

If a couple can use language based in the “we” and “us”, there is less likelihood of the other person being defensive, retreating or feeling inadequate. A successful outcome is more likely when there is a sense of being in this together.

Situations tend to turn sour when a person makes accusations about the other or criticises their behaviour. It’s not just about talking – it’s about compassionate conversations.

Get it right and compassion can turn into passion.

Why do couples struggle to be open with each other?

I often find in my therapy room that couples can’t talk to each other without one of them getting upset or angry. This happens when judgment gets in the way.

Everything is easier if a couple already has a good bond, mutual respect and affection. Also, how comfortable people feel about discussing sex can be influenced by their upbringing and culture. If families have been able to talk openly and appropriately about sex and the sexual body, children will learn to navigate this difficult subject well and feel less anxiety about it as an adult.

Couples struggle when talk focuses on what the other person is doing wrong. I recently worked with a pair who were very critical of each other. It’s such an easy trap to fall into, but it’s toxic. And while honesty is important, having an understanding of your partner’s feelings and what they can tolerate to hear is essential. In this couples’ case, we changed the dialogue from blame to curiosity about what could be done differently, and reassurance that the other’s feelings were Important.

For example, one partner could try saying, “I find that sex makes us feel closer and it’s something I know we’ve both enjoyed. It would be fun to do it more often. What do you think?”

Misunderstood cues can lead to missed sexual invitations. Photo / 123RD

Over time, sex lives can change. Is this a contentious subject?

There can be a sadness around sex. And not talking about it can lead to feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger and resentment. It might be that sex is painful for a woman, especially after menopause when the vagina can be less naturally lubricated. Or a man has difficulty getting an erection and feels too embarrassed to discuss it.

Consequently, all kinds of misunderstood insecurities manifest: loss of erection can cause the woman to think he’s gone off sex because she isn’t attractive anymore, or he can feel bottom of the list if her hot flushes mean she turns away from him at night.

Of course, your sex life changes, and there may be less of it over time, but I’d be very careful about labelling it as “boring”. That’s immediately negative.

Plus, quality is far more important than quantity. A better way of looking at things is a willingness to think about the pleasure that sexual contact can bring, rather than focusing on the performance.

I invite couples to be more playful with each other and be curious about what they both enjoy. This doesn’t even have to involve penetration. You might want to experiment with being fully clothed and hugging each other for a few minutes, concentrating on the sensations of your touching bodies.

Or laying in bed and staring into each other’s eyes and noticing your partner in a different way. You might find you want them to stroke your neck, or there’s a growing desire to kiss.

Afterwards you could try talking about what happened and how it felt: “I enjoyed it when you had your hands on my thighs; what felt good for you?”

These non-threatening exercises can bring a closeness, igniting a deeper understanding of what is pleasurable. To take the pressure off something new being a huge success, it also helps to say something like: “This may not work, but we could simply try it and see what happens.”

It is also worth noting that a sexless relationship isn’t necessarily a bad relationship. Some couples are very happy to exist this way. But a conversation around this to make sure you’re both on the same page is important.

Is there a best time to talk?

Have any of us ever heard the words “we need to talk” and not experienced a sense of dread? It takes emotional intelligence to pick the right time, and if you know your partner well, you’ll choose your moment when you can both be receptive to what’s going on.

It might not be a good idea to bring things up while you’re in bed together; it could take the lust out of the bedroom. Curiosity is your trump card. Try to let go of your defensiveness and be genuinely interested in what your partner has to say.

Your aim is to build a sensual connection and more knowledge around what you both find enjoyable. After all, the great thing about sex is that it can remind you of your younger self.

You might not be able to run up the stairs like you used to, but you can still have an incredible orgasm and feel vital again. Another plus is that sex is good for your blood pressure and can prevent other age-related concerns such as vaginal atrophy.

If you don’t talk, does that up the chances of an affair?

I don’t believe that people go off to find someone else just because their sex life is lacking and they haven’t talked about it.

Marital problems are more to do with a loss of connection and general desperation. Which is even more reason to air the things that are rocking your relationship and to try to work them through.

Compassionate conversations about sex can reignite passion. Photo / 123RF

At what point might you need professional help?

Some couples do find it hard to talk to each other. That’s when a professional therapist is useful. Sex can become a battlefield – one person feels locked out, one refuses to engage in change, both may use the situation to punish the other. As a psychosexual therapist my role is to understand how difficult it is for them to communicate and why.

A client couple of mine were in dispute because he said she never instigated sex. She was aghast, telling him: “Only yesterday I said the television program we were watching was boring and so I was going to bed.”

She was angry when he didn’t follow her because, in her mind, that was an invitation to join her for sex. But the husband didn’t pick up on her clues and stayed downstairs. That’s why it’s important to be explicit about your desires. It’s not a bad thing to say, “I fancy sex, how about you?”

In my work as a therapist, the topic I continually come back to is connection. When two people are on the same page and trust one another to talk about difficulties, everything falls into place better and the relationship is stronger.

And especially with good sex, the encounter is a shared secret pleasure for a couple, and that is an extremely bonding experience.