A 20-something woman who lives with her parents has incurred their disappointment by continuing an affair with her former boss. Since she won’t end things, should they tell the man’s wife? Advice on this, and other reader problems, from Philip Galanes.
Q. Our daughter (early 20s) is having an affair with her former boss at a fast-food restaurant. He is married, and his wife discovered the affair by seeing texts on her husband’s phone. We discovered it by noticing a big increase in data usage on our phone bill. (They text each other incessantly!) We asked our daughter to stop working at the restaurant, and we believed that the affair had ended and that husband and wife were trying to work things out. Recently, though, I became suspicious and saw on our daughter’s phone that the affair was ongoing. We told her we were disappointed in her, but she refuses to end things. She lives at home and drives our car, and we are fuming. We are tempted to tell this man’s wife about the affair, but we don’t want to crash our daughter’s life worse than she’s doing herself. Thoughts? – Father
A. Your daughter may always be your baby, but she is no longer a child – though she is still quite young. You don’t mention how old her married lover is, but I didn’t detect any concern in your letter that he had manipulated her into a sexual relationship. So, as long as that’s the case, I sympathise with your distress, but I don’t believe you should make any ultimatums or tell the man’s wife about the affair.
I suspect, too, that framing your conversation with your daughter around your disappointment in her – a common parental ploy for inducing compliance through guilt – is probably less effective than talking to her directly about the people she is harming with her behaviour: notably the husband’s wife, and probably herself. These affairs tend not to end well.
But that leads to my central point: sometimes, we learn only from our mistakes. If your daughter is not yet able to grasp that it is profoundly unwise to attach herself romantically to a person who is betraying a current partner, as her lover is, then she may have to learn that lesson the hard way. Monitoring her phone or taking away the car keys is beside the point. You will simply have to wait.
