Justin Trudeau and Sophie Gregoire plan to take turns caring for their children in the family home post-split. Photo / AP
OPINION:
When my parents split up in the 1970s, divorce wasn’t just the end of their marriage. It was the end of my life as I knew it. For me, it meant them selling my beloved childhood home, before going on to move when my parents relocated, as well as changing schools. In short, it meant saying goodbye to every bit of security I had ever known.
But then in those days, this was par for the course. Children tended to be casually viewed as collateral damage to broken marriages. We were expected to “bounce back”.
Fast-forward to 2023 and as a child of divorce, as well as a parenting author, it’s heartening to see just how times have changed with the split of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau, 51, and his wife of 18 years, Sophie.
Rather than selling up and going their separate ways, the couple say they are putting their children Xavier, 15, Ella-Grace, 14, and Hadrien, 9, first, and all three will stay put in their Ottawa home.
The arrangement is that Trudeau will continue to stay there, too. But when he is away, Sophie, 48, will move back in to do the parenting duties. It helps that the Trudeaus live in an official residence and Trudeau is often away on state business.
But this “bird’s nest” style of parenting is increasingly seen as the way to “do” divorce, if you have children.
The premise is that, instead of uprooting the chicks from their homes, parents fly in and out of the nest, caring for the fledglings who remain safe and secure.
The details can vary, but often one parent stays in the home, so the kids can have the same bedroom and routines they have always known – while the other moves nearby, as Sophie has done.
Indeed, Theresa Wright, a leading divorce lawyer at Brighton firm Britton & Time, sees plenty of positives – in the right circumstances. “Moving between two separate homes in traditional custody arrangements can be emotionally and logistically challenging, as well as stressful for children,” she says. “Children often feel more secure when they can stay in the familiar family home. It allows them to focus more on their daily activities, leading to less uncertainty.”
After originating in Sweden – where families have rotated homes since the 1970s, and then gaining popularity in the US, “bird’s nest parenting” is now on the rise in the UK, too, particularly among middle-class families who can afford to fund two homes. Research by Co-op Legal Services found that 11 per cent of divorced or separated parents have tried it.
Furthermore, almost a sixth (16 per cent) of divorced and separated adults said if they had the chance again, they would try it out.
Half (52 per cent) felt that keeping their children in the family home and rotating their living arrangements around them would have caused their kids less upset and upheaval. So could bird’s nest parenting be a step in the right direction? Tellingly, when a child is first told the news of their parents’ divorce, their first question is most often not what will change, but how much will stay the same.
But though there is no doubt the intention comes from a good place, in practice bird’s nest parenting is not all plain sailing. In fact, in a high-conflict relationship, continuing to share a home and co-parenting in relays can create more opportunities for resentment and fault-finding.
After all, how much can you really move on if your ex-partner is moving back – and even sleeping in the same bed – next week? Lawyers also report instances of jealous partners going through emails, looking for evidence of new relationships.
Anita Scorah, a member of the family law team at SAS Daniels solicitors, says bird’s nest parenting isn’t the answer for everyone – and can sometimes just put off the inevitable task of selling the family home so all parties can move on. If one parent is already struggling with marital breakdown, says Rebecca Cockcroft, head of family law at Payne Hicks Beach, “the destabilising effect of being rootless can have adverse consequences”.
It can also be confusing for kids. “Some experts consider that bird nesting can prevent children processing the separation,” Cockcroft says. “It may encourage some children to cling to the hope their parents will reconcile, leading to great upset when reality finally hits home.”
For this reason, many therapists and lawyers are tending towards seeing bird’s nest parenting as a transition, rather than a long-term solution.
Carolina Marín Pedreño, partner at Dawson Cornwell, says: “For parents, this type of arrangement gives the feeling that their separation is bringing less disruption to their children and assuages the natural guilt that many parents feel when a relationship breaks down.
“As the children mature, they understand that their parents have separate houses. They intuitively realise that their parents are more comfortable in their own space, and, as a result, probably act as better parents.”
And in cases where it doesn’t work, and the parents end up rowing over complicated handovers, creating more hostility in the home, it can even cause damage, says Connie Atkinson of Kingsley Napley.
“In reality, bird nesting is only likely to work for a small number of families and, in my experience, for a short period of time.
“In the right circumstances, it gives parents time to adjust to the separation and avoid the need for numerous moves before a new home is purchased. It can also help to remove the pressure of agreeing arrangements for the children immediately upon separation.”
But Atkinson warns: “If bird’s nest parenting is attempted in unsuitable cases, it creates and sustains a toxic environment for children in what is supposed to be their safe space. It also becomes much more difficult if new partners are involved.”
So having weighed up the pros and cons, would I have appreciated my own parents attempting bird’s nest parenting? No, there was too much anger for anything like this type of cooperation. Instead of feeling pushed from pillar to post, I worked out how to bail myself out – and volunteered to go to boarding school where I found my own secure base.
But for other children of divorce living in a new era where the child’s needs are considered paramount, I believe that, if well managed, bird’s nest parenting has to be a welcome buffer – if parents can put aside their hurt. And it will only work if they follow the advice of clinical psychologist, Dr Ed Farber, author of Raising the Kid You Love with the Ex You Hate.
He advises couples who can no longer stay together to think of raising their child strictly as if they are business partners: “Business partners don’t have to be friends. They may not even like one another. There is no room for emotions in this type of relationship. Overlook any differences which can only hinder the successful launch of your product – your child.”
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