OPINION
Happy New Year, dear reader. I hope you are coming to this column with 2kgs of water weight under your belt after a festive season of over-indulgence. I hope you are waking up, stretching out, and planning to go no further than your bed today. I hope you are feeling fat and loved and if you drink, hungover. I hope that you have not spent a moment of this year so far counting calories, standing on bathroom scales, or denying yourself things that you want or need. Most of all, I hope you’re not planning on changing a goddamn thing just because it’s January.
Is there anything more designed to fail than a New Year’s resolution? January 1st is a date that many leap on as a moment to change, but if I’ve learnt anything about giving things up (alcohol, drugs, caffeine, cigarettes, fun) it’s that this process rarely seems to happen in the most miserable month of the year. Not once in my long and not-very-illustrious drinking career did I manage to do a Dry January; if anything my gym use goes down in the first weeks of the year, as I remember the need to hibernate; and as for diets – I mean, listen, the only thing I can guarantee you will lose on a New Year, New You ‘nutrition plan’ is lots of money.
As someone who has repeatedly had to resolve to change my behaviour, I’m all for self-improvement. But New Year’s Resolutions really exist as a tool of self-flagellation. They are about atoning for whatever ‘sins’ have been committed over Christmas, as if eating a box of Quality Street and drinking too much fizz is a crime that requires four weeks of penance.
I find something unspeakably sad about grown adults ‘celebrating’ the start of a new year by beating themselves up for having had the temerity to enjoy themselves. If for health reasons you really need to make a change, then do it, regardless of the date - I tell you, if you hitch all your plans for well-being to January, there’s very little hope that they will stay with you into February, let alone March. Plus, the pressure this brings is unbelievable. Now may be a good time to embark on a plan to lose weight, but it is not the only time to lose weight.