As many as 1 in 20 New Zealanders are estimated to have some form of ADHD and a lack of understanding means it often goes undiagnosed. Photo / Johner Images / Getty Images
As many as 1 in 20 New Zealanders are estimated to have some form of ADHD and a lack of understanding means it often goes undiagnosed. Photo / Johner Images / Getty Images
OPINION:
My son is 7. He is witty, creative, athletic and an amazing older brother to my other son, almost 3. My son also has ADHD.
My son's brain is wired in a way that means everything spins at a mile a minute in his anxious little mind. Imagine being 7 and trying to navigate the world amidst all that noise?
When my son feels confident, accepted and comfortable in a place and time, he is a delight. He makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt and comes up with the most brilliant ideas for games and activities to do at home. On the flip side, however, situations that are scary or unfamiliar can lead to some less than perfect behaviour.
Despite a large age gap and the struggles of ADHD my two boys are extremely close and my oldest looks out for his little brother like a protective hawk. Photo / Megan Wood
When my son does something less than perfect in public I know exactly what is going to happen next. Those nearby will start to look around and I can see what they are thinking, like a speech bubble floating above their heads. 'Where is the mother'?
I am there, right there behind you, doing everything I can for my child and yet I feel your judgment and it stings. It stings every single time.
A few weeks ago I was out with him at a playground. We were catching up with friends and he and his buddy were climbing all over a large slide. I had an eye on my son, I always do, and I could see a shift in his body language that let me know something was wrong.
I started towards him and was soon accosted by a woman who greeted me with a phrase that I have come to despise: "Is that your child?" These words were spat at me through clenched teeth while I calmly replied 'yes'.
I was then informed that my son was blocking the slide and other children wanted to use it. Rest assured I am paraphrasing; her delivery dripped much more venom than I am implying. I went over to my son and kindly asked him if he would mind moving. I gently pointed out that the children waiting were quite little and asked if he could be an amazing big kid and let them have a turn. He happily moved.
Parenting a child with ADHD means being their cheer squad, advocate and biggest fan no matter what. When my son is 'misbehaving' the most is when he needs the most help. Without the impulse control to process his feelings my son will 'act out'. When I see this happening, I do the opposite of what you would expect. I compliment him, encourage him and build him up. My experience and extensive research has taught me that if I get angry with him or punish him it sends him into a shame spiral that makes everything much, much worse.
From the outside, I can see the faces of other parents as my son does something that I choose to ignore. Perhaps he is throwing rocks into the water, kicking a tree or climbing a random light post. Most parents would tell their kids to 'stop that' or 'get down' and once upon a time I would have too. Seven years of being his mum has shown me that I need to let most misdemeanours go, offering gentle redirection if necessary.
ADHD makes it hard for kids to focus, but when it comes to LEGO my son is amazing. He recently spent 5 days assembling an entire village, including a chicken coop! Photo / Supplied
Last week I received a call from the school holiday programme that I had given large sums of cash to look after my son for a few hours. 'Can you pick up your son early please'? I had carefully vetted this programme and briefed them in full on all aspects of my son and his challenges prior to booking him in. Later that evening I received a follow-up call informing me that my son was not welcome back the following day and I would be offered a refund. I was gutted.
The previous week in the same programme had gone smoothly, but a revolving door approach to staffing meant that my son was greeted with total strangers on this particular day. My son struggles around people he doesn't know and, unfortunately, will often act out to communicate his displeasure. It is basically a self-fulfilling prophecy, which goes something like this:
My son is in a situation he doesn't like, so he acts out
The other people in the situation either avoid him or chastise him for his behaviour
My son feels even worse about himself and acts out even more
I get a call to pick him up
I spend days trying to undo the damage to my child's self esteem
I sometimes also get strange looks from others when they hear me praise my child for every little positive thing he does. But I know my son is going to face so many people throughout his life who will label him 'naughty', he needs me to remind him that they are wrong.
While out at the beach with my son recently we ended up with three other children joining us for a game of tag. One of the children told me my son was being 'naughty' and I corrected her: 'he is not naughty, he is impulsive'. 'What's the difference?,' the little girl asked. 'Naughty implies he knows it is wrong and does it anyway, impulsive means he did it without thinking it through and now feels bad', I replied. 'That makes sense,' she said.
