Opinion: I took my clothes off with 50 other women. Here’s why you should too

"The way I see it, I’m over-dressing every time I put on a bikini." Photo / Wren Menberg, Unsplash

OPINION:

How was your weekend? Mine was great, thanks for asking. I spent it with approximately 50 women I had never met before, on the beach near Brighton, helping them all to take their clothes off.

Before you rush to conclusions, I should perhaps explain. Keen readers of this column – and not-so-keen readers, come to think about it – will know that I write a lot about body positivity, or rather the lack of it. I write as a plus-size person in recovery from various eating disorders, who likes to run marathons in my underwear. But I also write about it because women get in touch with me all the time, admitting the terror and shame they feel about their own bodies. They then feel embarrassed that these are their overwhelming emotions about themselves, when so many social media influencers seem to be embracing their curves and showing off their cellulite.

“Why, when I’m old enough to know better and have more important things to worry about, do I still spend a ridiculous amount of time obsessing over what I am going to look like in a bikini?” I get asked this question dozens of times a week. My answer is always the same: because decades of conditioning cannot be undone by a few brands using a size-16 model in a couple of their ad campaigns so that they don’t get cancelled by their more vociferous customers.

With each message I receive, I become more and more incensed that self-loathing seems to be the default setting for so many women. It really is just the most enormous waste of energy; energy that could otherwise be used to… I don’t know, take over the world. This is why there is not a single female among the top 10 richest people on the planet: it’s because the likes of Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos did not spend their formative years being indoctrinated into a cult that told them they had to look like Gisele in a bikini. And if that sounds trivial to you, then you’re probably a bloke who wasn’t paying attention to the fact that their mother existed entirely on Diet Coke, Special K and thin air.

So I decided to put on a special event to teach women their intrinsic value. Bryony’s Big Body Confidence Beach Day Out took place yesterday, with hundreds of women signing up to take part. It was great. We all took a deep breath, got into our bathers, and ran into the sea. But as there was only space for about a quarter of the people who applied, I thought I would distil my guide here, for anyone who couldn’t make it.

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Nobody is looking at you

It’s true. Nobody gives a rat’s behind what you look like. Mostly because they are far too busy looking at themselves, and trying to work out if their belly is hanging out or if anyone has noticed their stretch marks.

In the unlikely event they are judging you, then remember this: they’ve got problems, and none of those problems have anything to do with you.

You are meant to be naked

I mean, there’s a reason nobody is born wearing a £155 Hunza G swimsuit. We are all embarrassed by the lack of clothing required on the beach or round the pool, but the way I see it, I’m over-dressing every time I put on a bikini. And when I think of things this way, I immediately stop obsessing over “tummy control” swimwear and tankinis that I hope will cover up my HRT patches and my emergency C-section scar. G-string bikini, here I come!

You are a miracle

The odds of any of us existing are a number so unfathomable that there isn’t space for it in this newspaper – 1 in 10-to-the-power-of-2,685,000. That’s 10 followed by 2,685,000 zeros. There’s more chance of dinosaurs roaming the earth again or everyone giving up on the culture wars or Boris Johnson suddenly remembering his WhatsApp password and handing his phone over to the authorities.

I won’t go into the absolutely mad improbability of conception here, because we are all adults and we all know how babies are made. But I do think it’s important to remind ourselves of just how very easy it would have been for us not to exist at all.

The day you were conceived, a single sperm beat out millions of other sperm in the equivalent of a sperm Ironman challenge to fertilise an egg that’s only there for a couple of calendar days each month. That egg is surrounded by white blood cells that behave like nightclub bouncers stopping any riff-raff from getting in. We all know that not every zygote goes the distance, and that the day you are born is considered by most doctors to be the most dangerous day of our lives.

But have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that you have stayed alive every day since then, when so many others haven’t? I mean, the universe really, really wants you here. And it doesn’t want you to look like a magazine model or a fitness influencer – it wants you to look like you. Wear the swimsuit. Ditch the sarong. You are a glorious gift to this planet.

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You’ve got to relish each and every swimsuit day

The average human gets to live for 28,835 days. That’s if they are lucky. And if that human happens to live in the British Isles, then only about 18 of those days will actually be warm and sunny. Do not let filters, comparisons or ridiculous beauty standards that aren’t actually real stop you from spending a single one of those precious days on the beach in your bathers. Enjoy the body you’ve been given, because it won’t be here forever.