Opinion: From snobby Jafas to dirty Duds, here is your city’s aesthetic

Entertainment Writer·NZ Herald·

15 Nov, 2022 11:23 PM4 mins to read

Prime Minister John Key holds a blue cup during a cafe visit in 2014 in Petone. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

New Zealand, we have a problem.

Christmas is six weeks away. Six weeks.

It’s coming in hotter than a boy racer in his Subaru Impreza, and the only thing scarier than that is realising Christmas means a family reunion.

But before you break out in hives wondering how you’re going to get through the day without triggering your Wellington-based sister by cooking her pineapple steaks on the bbq alongside those juicy snarlers, don’t worry.

We’ve got you.

In order to come prepared, it’s best to first, bring an extra box of Scorched Almonds and, second, identify who you are dealing with so you know the right and wrong things to say.

For example, a chat with your cousin Braxon from Christchurch will be very different than a chat with your brother’s girlfriend Cassandra from Auckland.

Here’s your complete guide to identifying which city each person is from based on their aesthetics:

Major NZ city identifiers:

Coffee order

Auckland: I’ll let you in on a secret. Jafas must always have an iced coffee in hand while walking along Mission Bay beach in their Lululemon leggings

Wellington: Flat white with oat/almond/some sort of nut milk

Christchurch: Skip the coffee. They are all for the Monster energy drinks

Dunedin: An extra hot Hot Chocolate because it’s so cold every day except for the one Dunner Stunner day a year

Not even Winston Peters can go past a Wellington coffee. Photo / Picnics in Parks

Cellphone

Auckland: iPhone 14 pro with a Louis Vuitton cover because even though they can’t really afford it, it’s all about keeping up appearances

Wellington: You already know the Wellingtonians have an Android with an absolutely terrible camera, and even though they are more likely out of everyone to want to take pics of everything, they don’t need a good camera because the bad quality just adds to the artsy effect

Christchurch: iPhone 11 or a good old-fashioned flip phone

Dunedin: Cellphone? Never heard of her. She’s on to her eighth one this year and can be found every weekend updating her story with “Lost my phone. If you need me DM me here. Shot team!”

Clothing:

Auckland: Huffer puffer vest with Country Road heritage sweatshirt underneath and on borrowed time Vejas

Wellington: $400 woollen knit that honestly looks thrifted but cost so much they missed rent for their damp flat

Christchurch: Canterbury shorts, Crusaders jersey and jandals with the bottle opener in the sole (these are a thing & they’re a great Christmas present for your Dad)

Dunedin: Are they homeless? No, they’re just a Dunedin scarfie that spent their student allowance on brand new Nike Air Force 1′s and a pair of Mom jeans

Real-life image of the dirty duds students. Photo / Peter McIntosh

Maccas order

Auckland: Nuggets

Wellington: In the words of our Clueless queen, Cher, “ugh, as if”. They are vegan. Maccy D’s is a no-no, except that one time at the 7s when you were so drunk you smashed back a Mac-Attack combo, and then adopted a cat the next day to combat your cruelty

Christchurch: Large Big Mac combo

Dunedin: Hunger Buster with an extra side of nuggets to get through the horrific hangover

Car

Auckland: It’s either a top-of-the-line Mercedes or it’s a Suzuki Jimny. No one knows why but those wannabe Jeeps have a chokehold on the North Shore residents

Wellington: 1990s Toyota Corolla complete with a window that won’t roll up to the very top. Wellingtonians are all about saving the planet until it comes to their car.

Christchurch: I’ll give you a clue, *VROOOOOOOOOOM*. Yup, if you guessed a home-modified boy racer with mismatched panels and a truly outrageous spoiler, you were right

Dunedin: Their feet. Just kidding, that’s only the students. Dunedin is a super family-friendly town once you leave Scarfie land, so they definitely have a Mazda CX-5, some sort of SUV, or they go all out with the Honda Odyssey.