"If your relationship was formed at any point post-university, there’s a good chance you’ll have friends the other one loves, and a few they’re not that bothered about."
"If your relationship was formed at any point post-university, there’s a good chance you’ll have friends the other one loves, and a few they’re not that bothered about."
OPINION:
A lot of the old rules which we have taken for granted forever – royalty never dish, dogs are pets not children, gentleman’s clubs are places where men meet to eat school food, dress like Macmillan and get away from women – are being ripped up daily.
But the one that’s reallygot our attention is the recommendation of an Oxford professor: that couples should not put up with each other’s snoring and – get this – sleep in separate beds.
What? When will we see each other if not when we roll over in the morning? When will we make up the fight we had at the kitchen table if not after some lying in the dark glaring, trying to restart it, and then finally giving up and apologising? You can’t just abandon the marital bed, surely – it would be the beginning of the end of the relationship.
Not according to Professor Russell Foster, who says that it’s our obsession with staying in the same bed no matter what – wear earpods and a mouth guard and listen to wave sounds! Turn on the light and read! – that’s the relationship killer, and that sleeping apart, in order to actually get some sleep, is the way to save it.
Which brings us to the question, what other set-in-stone relationship rules, handed down by our parents and their parents before them, should we be casting aside in the interests of staying together? We can think of a few:
Go out to dinner on your own a few times a month
Sure you have plenty to talk about. But sometimes it's the hard stuff - which is where friends come in handy. Photo / 123RF
Or, instead, why not call up a couple of friends? It’s not that you have nothing to talk about. You definitely do. It’s just that there’s a risk you may get stuck on one of The Subjects: Where are we going to end up living? What if they never leave home? Why are the Whatsits suddenly so hoity-toity/unreliable/annoying? A lot of these things are argument sparks and one will get into the tank.
Socialise together
Or sometimes let him get out of seeing the Whatsits. If your relationship was formed at any point post-university there’s a good chance you’ll have friends the other one loves, and a few they’re not that bothered about. Old-school style: you tough it out, do everything together, and have them all to dinner parties in rotation. New style: you see your friends on your own now and then, also because you can only face so much mid-week socialising.
Be honest and share your feelings about everything
That’s a non-negotiable, right? No. It is hard for a man to hear that you don’t really like his signature pasta dish. Likewise you’re probably better off not knowing what he found when he got back to the house unexpectedly and the youngest had people staying. No woman wants to be told her dress looked better in the picture and no man wants to be told that his thinning patch is indeed worse and now counts as going bald. One of the top relationship skills is knowing when to be honest and sparing each other the rest of the time.
Shop together
Joint supermarket shopping? Don't do it.
Or mainly, don’t. Browsing the markets of a picturesque Provencal town is bonding, but a joint supermarket shop will gradually erode your respect for each other. If he’s self-sufficient there will be doubling up and opinions (annoying) and if you divide the shop there will be bitterness because his limited list (wine, barbecue bricks, breakfast things, aka items that cannot easily be misbought) will take longer than yours (everything else) and then you may find him sitting on a chair near the checkout scrolling on his phone.
Talk about the relationship
Admittedly not one on our parents’ list but a modern cast-iron rule, and we say no. Don’t. Shout at each other. Say sorry. Then go out and make each other laugh (on your own this time).
