Online dating comes out of closet

Felt comfortable enough about your online dating experience to discuss it at a party yet?

Even if you haven't, you've probably stood within earshot of someone who has.

Four years ago, I went to weddings where knowledge that the union began online was a hushed secret sniggered over by the bridal party.

These days online dating is out of the closet and it's more likely that rather than being sworn to secrecy, the best man will propose a toast to Findsomeone.co.nz.

A few years ago, promoting an internet dating site was hard work, says Jon Werry, internet development manager for NZCity, a stable of sites which includes the country's busiest dating destination, NZDating.com.

"Now that the stigma of the online dating community has dissolved, people are happy to talk about it with their friends and family," Werry says.

"And next thing you know they [the friends] are all signed up as well."

This "viral trend", as Werry describes it, has seen membership numbers swell across the growing number of local and international dating sites.

NZDating alone boasts a membership of 530,000 and says someone new signs up on average every three minutes.

According to Nielsen//NetRatings figures, NZDating is New Zealand's most popular website within the internet tracking firm's "adult lifestyle" category, attracting 291,000 unique visitors last month.

This puts NZDating ahead of its nearest rival, Trade Me offshoot Findsomeone.co.nz, which clocked up 200,000 visitors, well ahead of the third most popular dating site Nielsen monitors, XtraMSM's Match.com.

Findsomeone, which is pitched more at the "premium" end of the dating market, runs sites in New Zealand, Australia and Canada.

Mike O'Donnell, Trade Me's business manager, says about 5000 new users sign on to Findsomeone across the three sites each week.

NZDating has the distinction of being the country's "stickiest" site across all categories - visitors hang around longer on average than they do at any other New Zealand site, an average of 18 minutes.

Those sticky users this month voted NZDating Best Lifestyle Site in the annual People's Choice NetGuide Web Awards.

Werry says NZDating's success is because it engenders a sense of community and is a fun destination.

The lure of unabashed sexual flaunting probably has something to do with it as well.

Subtlety is not a major feature of the site. One not-untypical listing under the "Find a friend" section reads: "25-year-old male from Auckland seeking men for offline sexual meetings."

A 19-year-old Cantabrian male feels he has to capitalise and multi-exclaim to get across the message that: "I DONT JUST WANT SEX!!!!!"

Werry says couples who meet through the site are increasingly staying around after they hook up to interact, as a couple, with other members of the NZDating community.

The site's message boards and chat rooms are increasingly used to organise real-world group activities from birthday parties to group outings to concerts - "all manner of events where they can get together to meet with the people they've been interacting with online", Werry says.

As for the sexual content of the site, Werry says: "Our approach has been that the members should be able to control how far they want to get into that. By default all that stuff's turned off. You have to enable it before you can see any of that material. That's one thing we've been very strict on."

He says the site recognises the safety issues around online dating and has a comprehensive guide giving tips on safe practice when meeting a new date.

Meanwhile, it seems internet dating is even becoming a family affair.

"We've got situations where whole families join up on each other's say-so," says Werry.

"Daughters in their 20s sign up, then talk their mothers into signing up, and the next thing you know there are two or three on there.

"That's the big change I've seen over the last two or three years - the fact that there is no stigma attached to it any more. It's gone from being something that people saw as a bit odd to being something people see as being a bit cool now."

Trade Me's O'Donnell says the average age of a Findsomeone member is increasing as internet dating moves "from the fringe to the mainstream".

"In the early days our demographic was based around the 30- to 45-year-old, whereas now we're very much around the 30- to 60-year-old and we've shown the most growth in 40 and above."

Over all, with more than half a million people trying it, online dating has become a significant part of the social landscape.

The biggest pitfall, says one female user, is weeding out the high proportion of married male members just after a clandestine thrill.

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How to be safe rather than sorry - online and offline

Cyber-safety group NetSafe says that when choosing an internet dating site, users should consider:

* The site's privacy policy. This should clearly outline how information the user provides will be used and what measures it takes to store and protect that information.

* Its code of ethics, which sets the standards of behaviour of site members. Users should review it to ensure they are comfortable before signing up.

* Its terms and conditions, which users should review to ensure they prohibit inappropriate behaviour by users of the site. The fee/refund policy should also be clear.

* Its handling of offensive language or photographs. The way a site deals with offensive material is a strong indicator of how safe it is. Lewd photographs may be a good indicator of an unsafe site.

* Its customer service and support, so that if something happens that a user is uncomfortable with, there are people whose job it is to help sort it out.

* Its affiliations to other sites. Credible dating sites will provide links to other well-known sites, normally including agencies involved in trust and safety.

When meeting an online date face-to-face for the first time:

* Don't provide personal details before you are ready. This includes address, phone number or full name. Instead, meet up by agreeing on a visual recognition device like a newspaper in your hand or a particular table at a cafe.

* Stage your first meeting in a public place during the day and talk to a friend before and after the meeting. Avoid driving to the meeting point because car registrations can be traced.

* Don't provide too much personal information during the meeting, and leave if you feel uncomfortable. At the end of the meeting suggest any follow-up via the dating site. This gives you time to consider how you want to proceed.

* Take time to review the meeting: what did your intuition tell you? If you have reservations, don't see the person again. Otherwise, let the relationship progress at a pace that suits you.