One Day You'll Thank Me: Should you allow your kids to swear?

NZ Herald

11 Jun, 2022 09:55 PM4 mins to read

It may give us good chuckle but is it ever okay for kids to start dropping expletives? Photo / Getty Images

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE

Welcome to the Herald's new parenting podcast: One Day You'll Thank Me. Join parents and hosts Jenni Mortimer and Rebecca Blithe as they navigate the challenges and triumphs of parenting today with help from experts and well-known mums and dads from across Aotearoa. In this episode, available from today on iHeartRadio, our hosts discuss kids using swear words and enlist psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald for tips on navigating this tricky territory.

While foul-mouthed little ones can often give us a good chuckle - like the Christchurch tot who went viral when she was caught on camera pointing out a "f***ing goat" - kids dropping expletives is also an incredibly divisive topic among parents.

But if your child drops an f-bomb, does that make you a bad parent? Or could that mean your child is actually highly intelligent? Psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald told the Herald's new parenting podcast, One Day You'll Thank Me, it could potentially be the latter.

Quoting new research, MacDonald noted that not only is swearing used by humans as a form of pain control, but it's also suggested it could signal intelligence.

"Apparently more swearing is actually a correlation with being more intelligent. So that's good news for us potty mouths," laughed MacDonald.

And when your child does swear unexpectedly, while it's hard not to laugh, MacDonald says it's best to try and fight the urge.

"It's actually important to restrain the urge to laugh because laughing and amusement reinforce the behaviour. So that's pretty important."

This very situation is what host Mortimer was faced with when her son, Knox, 3, walked into the room from his play kitchen and declared "Look mama, it's a f***ing donut!".

While her initial reaction was to laugh, she stopped and explained to her son that it was just a donut, and suggested other sentence enhancers he might use instead. She found that her son would often hear and store words, then attempt to use them correctly at a later date.

But MacDonald stated that even at this tender age, parents could still explain to their kids which words shouldn't be used and why.

"Even at 3, you can explain why the word isn't appropriate, which is an important part of starting to talk to them about it."

And when it comes to deciding if we should limit the words we use around our kids, MacDonald suggests parents should "assume that your kids understand a lot more than you give them credit for".

Host Blithe admitted while she's open to her son Hart, almost 2, making use of "all the words", she and her husband have found themselves watching what they say as their little boy parrots everything at the moment.

So far he's only found favour with some mild curse words: "Oh no! Bugger!" and calls the family dog a "ruddy apple-thief" when he nibbles at fruit trees in the garden.

So how do we teach our kids to understand when it's okay to use them and when it's not appropriate? Or should we ringfence all swear words as absolute no-nos?

According to MacDonald, the best approach is a little bit of both: "A pretty good rule of thumb is to ask children not to swear generally, but also not punish them excessively if it pops out in a home environment."

And MacDonald also noted the importance of explaining why rules and boundaries are in place: "I really encourage people to explain why it's not okay."

"The problem isn't moral, it's explaining to them how the rest of the world will respond to them if they swear," shared MacDonald.

So while parents may set the rules at home, it turns out it's society who will have the final say and its own consequences for potty mouths - even if they are cute.