Sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey says her job is to help people create truly satisfying sexual lives that enhance their relationships and overall quality of life. Photo / Whenua Film
Sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey says her job is to help people create truly satisfying sexual lives that enhance their relationships and overall quality of life. Photo / Whenua Film
Warning: This story deals with sexual content and is for adults only.
OPINION
Sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey explains how to develop a healthy relationship with pornography to create ‘truly satisfying sexual lives’.
Before the internet age, accessing pornography was a task that required effort. Whether itinvolved a secretive visit to an adult movie theatre, a discreet browse behind the curtain at Blockbuster, or the sheepish purchase of a Playboy magazine, accessing adult content was not always straightforward.
Since the rise of the internet in the late 20th century, an abundance of porn is at our fingertips, leading to an explosion in its consumption. Studies indicate that a considerable number of men and women from all walks of life consume porn regularly.
As a sex and relationships therapist, I openly admit to watching porn. This confession might seem unusual in a society that, while becoming increasingly sex-positive, still harbours elements of sexual shame. Part of my job is helping people create truly satisfying sexual lives that enhance their relationships and overall quality of life, which can include navigating the complexities of porn consumption.
The benefits of porn
Porn is not comprehensive sex education, but it can certainly be educational. It allows people to safely explore their desires and fantasies, discovering what ignites their fire before deciding whether or not they’d like to give something a try. Furthermore, porn can serve as a communication tool, helping partners to visually demonstrate their desires, and bettering their sexual communication.
It can also make our sexuality feel more accessible. Connecting with your pleasure can feel difficult amidst a busy life. Slowing down, getting out of your head, connecting with your body, and awakening your turn-on can take time and energy you may not always feel you have. Porn can provide a quick portal into sexual pleasure and an erotic escape from the stresses of daily life.
Sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey. Photo / Whenua Film
The challenges of porn
The bodies and genitals in porn are not representative of the spectrum of human bodies. Even “ethical porn”, which makes an effort to represent a broad range of bodies, performers are selected for their physical attributes and sexual prowess.
As a result, it’s common to develop unrealistic expectations about bodies, which can impact confidence and desire. Porn usually prioritises what looks good over what feels good. It is focused on being exciting and entertaining, utilising scripting, make-up, lighting and editing to maximise its visual impact. I like to describe porn performers as sexual athletes who train to perform at their level. In the same way that you’re unlikely to pressure yourself to play rugby as well as Beauden Barrett, can you extend the same grace to yourself in the bedroom?
The way you masturbate has a profound impact on your experience of sex. Each time you masturbate to porn, you code that experience into your brain, wiring this as a pathway to pleasure with each repetition. Over time, it’s common to become dependent on porn to access your pleasure. If this resonates, don’t fret, as this can be evolved again by forming new self-pleasure habits. It can be valuable to have a professional like a sex therapist support you to make this change effectively.
Porn also has the potential to become addictive. It releases neurotransmitters, predominantly the “feel good” chemical dopamine, which contributes to the experience of excitement and arousal. Excessive consumption can desensitise a person’s dopamine receptors, requiring more intense or novel content to achieve the same level of pleasure. This is similar to how substance addiction develops. Additionally, some people find themselves using porn as a distraction from stress, difficult emotions or mental health challenges.
Porn can become a point of hurt and tension in relationships. When fantasy is easily available through porn, it can be tempting to turn to it as a substitute for emotional or physical intimacy, instead of investing time and energy into nurturing a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
Creating a healthy relationship with porn
Navigating a healthy relationship with porn involves recognising its role as both a potential enhancer and a disruptor of sexual wellness. Like junk food in a diet, moderation is key. An occasional tasty treat as part of a balanced diet is unlikely to cause problems. In my more than six years as a sex and relationships therapist, I’ve seen that a truly fulfilling sex life requires more than just “junk food”. Sexual explorations where you slow down, breathe and focus on your body’s sensations nourish your sexuality in surprising ways.
Choosing “ethical porn” is both beneficial for the world and can be a fantastic choice for your pleasure. This is pornography that is produced, distributed and consumed in a manner that prioritises ethics, consent and the wellbeing of all parties involved. It strives to represent a wide range of bodies, genders, preferences, and ethnicities, avoiding creating content that perpetuates unrealistic expectations and harmful stereotypes. Lust Cinemas, Bright Desire, MakeLoveNotPorn and Four Chambers are key players in the evolving landscape of ethical porn. I source porn from the Queen of ethical feminist porn Erika Lust, female-owned Bellesa Films and directly from my favourite creators on OnlyFans. You might also find it valuable to reduce the intensity of your adult entertainment by dipping your toes into erotic audiobooks like those available on Dipsea.
Establishing a balanced relationship with pornography requires you to take an honest look at its role in your life and its impact on your sexual and emotional wellbeing. What are the underlying needs that porn fulfils for you? Whether it’s seeking pleasure, escape, or connection, understanding these motivations can help guide you towards more fulfilling sexual experiences. By mindfully choosing how and when to engage with porn you take an empowering step towards nurturing a healthier, more satisfying sexual life. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate pleasure but to enhance it, without overshadowing other important aspects of your relationships, intimacy and wellbeing.
Michelle Kasey is an Auckland-based sex and relationships therapist who works with clients in NZ and around the world. She is also a professional burlesque artist, circus performer, champion pole dancer and writer. michellekasey.com
