Not much reality in adventures of Paris and Nicole 

Nicole Richie, left, and Paris Hilton - before they stopped talking.

Nobody could possibly be as thick as the "brand" that is Paris Hilton. And nothing could be as contrived as Simple Life: Interns (last night, 8pm, TV3.)

Reality TV has come to mean the opposite, but Simple Life makes something like Survivor look almost believable.

In this new series of Simple Life, best friends Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie - who are now apparently, worst enemies, having fallen out since Nicole got thin and started getting a profile for being pretty thick too - become, well, interns.

I didn't know you could get an internship at a garage, but calling them apprentices might clash with another, hardly contrived at all, reality show.

Just why Paris and Nicole have to go and stay with a family a mere bus ride way from home has nothing to do with logic. And everything to do with them having to go on a bus.

So that they can say dumb things like: "There's people on it," or "There's a dog on the side of it." They get to take their dogs, three of them, on the Greyhound bus.

I'm sure people are allowed to take their dogs on the bus all the time.

Paris and Nicole went to stay with a family of mom, pop and three cute sons. Mom's dog had recently died so Paris decided she would buy her a new one. She phones a breeder and says: "Hi, umm, do you have any, like, dogs?"

This has nothing to do with the girls learning how to become mechanics. Except that they get to be naughty and say stupid things. They have to wear overalls. One of them says: "I'm not wearing these. This is, like, polyester."

They stole a cop car and went to the mall. They got oil all over the floor. Paris fiddled with her hair. And "don't worry about the hair ... the car can't tell what you look like", said the garage owner. Nicole crashed a customer's car, twice. It didn't look like she did it on purpose at all.

Then they went to the breeder's house. The family the two twits are boarding with live in a small house. The breeder sells great danes. The girls take two. How kind. They neglect to pay for the dogs. In real life anyone would be able to turn up at a breeders and leave with $4000 worth of dog.

There are touching scenes when the girls leave the family home.

"I love this family," said one.

The breeder turns up at the family home wanting her $4000.

Anyone worried about the outcome of all this nonsense would have to have been as thick as the brand. A message popped up to tell us: "The great danes are now safely back with the breeder." Of course they are. It's not, like, real.

"These girls, man," said the Indian supervisor at the garage, "they're getting on my nose." They're getting on my nose too. And what really gets on my nose is that nobody could be as thick as Paris, except perhaps anyone thick enough to watch this dreary nonsense.