KEY POINTS:
You tend to feel like a stranger in your own land when you approach it from the sea, standing shoulder to shoulder with a group of strangers, most of whom are visiting for the first time.
And when you are standing on the deck of a cruise ship as you gaze across the water at your home, it can feel even more alien, because the idea of a cruise usually conjures up images of tropical islands, extravagant cocktails and atolls in a turquoise sea.
There's no doubt that a five-day journey down New Zealand's East Coast on a high-end, Italian-owned, cruise ship, soaking in the glorious coastal scenery of our own jewel of the Pacific avoids the cruise cliches and gives a new perspective on our country.
So why not? Actually, there were probably about 12 reasons why not - one for each foot of swell - when the Silver Cloud left Auckland for Russell, Napier, Picton and Wellington.
Everything looked peaceful enough as we approached Princes Wharf for our rendezvous with the ship. Sadly, or perhaps fortunately, a grossly unrealistic notion of ocean travel meant we failed to spot the darkening skies behind North Head.
All we could see was that the ship looked beautiful.
With gleaming white sides and snappily attired crew, it recalled the glory days of travel when Britain ruled the world and Evelyn Waugh characters travelled the globe with nothing more than stout boots and "a cane for whacking snakes".
But that image took its first knock soon after boarding.
"Well, you've just lowered the average age by 30 years," joked one crewman as we blundered aboard.
Cruise ships are notoriously the domain of the older holidaymaker, and within minutes I realised the outspoken Aussie might have had a point: I hadn't seen so many elderly people on one boat since the movie Cocoon.
The fact we were younger passengers than most was reinforced by the first organised activity: lifeboat drill.
At cruise director Colin's tannoyed command, around 100 Gucci handbag-owners and their husbands donned life-preservers and made for the rallying point to be told what to do "in the unlikely event the captain gives the order to abandon ship".
Confident of our ability to beat most passengers in a foot race to the boats, we ignored the briefing and checked out the crowd.
There were no young people.
Worryingly, not many of them seemed to be watching the safety briefing, either. I guess when you've paid at least $13,380 a head for a two-week voyage (15 days from Auckland to Sydney), you don't expect to have to abandon it prematurely.
We pulled away from Princes Wharf at precisely 6pm and, proceeded to sail straight into what was now a full-blown storm approaching from the northeast.
The first night was a quiet affair thanks to a rising sea and - as we learned from one helpful barman - the rigours of jet travel.
Most of the passengers had flown long-haul into Auckland that day and gone straight to bed (not an uncommon occurrence on the Silver Cloud, apparently), allowing those of us made of stronger stuff to explore the ship in peace.
Though the Silver Cloud is the smallest of the Silversea Line's four ships, it still boasts nine decks, six of which are accessible to guests. There are shops and bars, library and casino.
The ship's three restaurants - and pool-deck barbecue - offer everything from top-notch Italian tucker to all-too-American cheeseburgers and fries.
Though the barbecue deck was closed while the swimming pool emptied its contents across it, the other eateries were running, and the service was impeccable, bordering on telepathic.
If anyone drops a napkin during dinner a waiter is there before it hits the floor; women are escorted by the elbow to their table. At dinner we encountered a peculiarity of a cruise around one's home country: cellphone coverage allowed us to phone a friend to taunt him with the wine list.
It is about now that I should describe the scenery of the New Zealand coast and the enchanting frivolity of the ocean life.
Trouble is, the coast was obscured by driving rain, and any sea creatures were likely drowned in mountainous waves, which had the bow of the vessel pitching like a schoolboy's bike yanked into a wheelstand.
And it stayed like that for 36 hours. Which was great, because, let's face it, a cruise is all about enjoying a complete escape from normality.
As the outside world slipped by, we ricocheted from canapes and cocktails to canapes and cocktails, attended cabaret evenings, and ate four types of bacon for breakfast.
Afternoon tea was served in the Veranda Panorama Lounge - "to the fine piano music of Salvatore" - at 4pm.
Not that the cruise was lacking New Zealand aspects. A Maori history lecture was well attended, and we were told (by someone not foolish enough to have a post-lunch snooze and miss it) that a New Zealand wine tasting was standing room only.
It was not until day three, as we made landfall at Napier, that the weather finally came spectacularly right - for one perfect day.
Tours were on offer for those wishing to sample a little more of the vino tasted at the wine sampling of the previous day, and other passengers were able to visit the city for an art deco experience.
But for those of us who grew up around that part of the country, there was more fun to be had in staying behind in the sanctity of the pool deck, and watching in horror as dozens of pasty Northern Hemisphere types roasted themselves under the baking Hawkes Bay sun.
Despite all the lobster thermidor, and gin and tonics at 11am, the simple things are still the best.
The highlight of five days aboard an ultra-luxurious cruise ship came in a quiet moment on the cabin verandah, soon after leaving Napier.
As the ship steamed down the Wairarapa coast for Picton, a pod of dolphins - the only sea life we spotted during the cruise - came rocketing from the water.
Diving and splashing, they kept pace with the vessel for just a little while.
Perhaps a cruise is not just about the cocktails.
* David Eames cruised the New Zealand coast as guest of Silversea Line.
FURTHER INFORMATION
For more information on Silversea's cruise itineraries and pricing, please contact Go Holidays on 0800 2278473 or Wiltrans on 0800 446376.
