HERALD ON SUNDAY RATING: * *
Address: 259 Parnell Rd
Open: Seven days from noon till late
Phone: 379 5358
Email: www.nonsolopizza.co.nz
KEY POINTS:
Fawlty Towers (as if you didn't know) was an English comedy of the 1970s set in a hotel whose manager was a pathologically hostile neurotic.
One of my favourite characters was the bumbling but anxious-to-please Manuel, the "Spanish" waiter.
You can see what Manuel was like by eating at Non Solo Pizza, even if the waiters are more Italian than Spanish. The best of them arrived at our table and plonked down meals that weren't ours. He was retreating at a trot when he froze, plainly aware that my plaintive "no, no, no" should not go unanswered.
If I'd been more quick-witted I would have kept quiet and eaten what was put in front of me, since we had been waiting since what seemed like April and I was hungry enough to eat my shoe. But the "no, no, no" was out and our Manuel-equivalent picked up the plates wordlessly and charged off to the other side of the room.
His was a fitting sequel act to the first waiter I flagged down - 15 minutes after we'd been equipped with menus and a glass of water each - to ask about the selection of "contorni" alluded to on the menu. Now both I and my Italian dictionary think contorni are side dishes for main courses, but at NSP they are offered as appetisers.
What were they, I wondered? They were on a separate menu, which would be fetched immediately, I was told. Another 10 minutes elapsed before the waiter returned to advise me said menu was en route. When asked why he didn't bring it with him rather than come over to tell me it was coming, he looked at me very oddly indeed. Perhaps they only had one, and it was in use.
NSP's service is quite the most glacially slow I have encountered. I am not opposed to leisurely dining but this was a Tuesday evening not a Sunday afternoon, and it took 25 minutes to get a complete list of what was on offer. Either in the kitchen or on the floor, the place was catastrophically understaffed.
One of the waiters seemed at least aware there was a problem: when he delivered a plate and the Blonde said "At last", the waiter, panting slightly and looking like he was contemplating the wisdom of a career change, said "Signora, apologies."
As to what did finally arrive, there is little good news to report: a $19.50 selection of three contorni consisted of some very ordinary anchovies and marinated mushrooms together with grilled zucchini slices topped with a gluggy potato-based savoury paste which reminded me of hippie food; a greasy twice-baked "parmesan souffle" tasted mainly of braised onions; thick, stodgy ravioli were drowned in a bland and lurid green sauce; and a disastrous Caesar salad contained thick chunks of greasy bacon and the golf-ball-sized heart of the lettuce. Two generous fillets of snapper atop a main-size bowl of fragrant lentils made a perfectly acceptable main - as it should have for $30. We passed on dessert.
The sole pleasure of the evening was the conversation with a very entertaining couple at the next table. One of them spoke very highly of the pizza. I dared not ask how long he had waited for it.
Wine list: Italian and NZ, 20 or so by the glass
Vegetarians: Many choices.
Watch Out For: Slow-motion waiters.
Bottom line: Lovely courtyard, average food, bad service.
THE BILL
$168 for two
Contorni $19.50
Souffle $18.50
Ravioli $24.50
Fish $30.50
Salad $14.50
Wine (five glasses) $60.50
- Detours, HoS
