No Such Thing as Normal: Autism - is it safe to remove the mask?

Billy T Award 2023 winner and Taskmaster NZ star Abby Howells discusses how she. deals with her autism.

Comedian Abby Howells likes people to know she’s autistic from the outset.

“It takes the pressure off me a little bit,” she says.

“I can really relax and just be myself … I don’t have to process everything I do through a ‘would a ‘normal’ person say this?’ lens.”

Howells is speaking to Sonia Gray on this week’s episode of No Such Thing as Normal.

The Taskmaster and Seven Days regular was identified as autistic three years ago, and she’s realised it helps, rather than hinders, her comedy.

“For a while, I was like, ‘I’ve got to try and be like all these other comedians. Have great observations on life that everyone can relate to’,” she says.

But the biggest laughs came when she leaned into what she describes as her “off-kilter” take on life.

“In comedy, having a unique point of view is a good thing … all that stuff that I hated about myself, like being different from everyone else, being slightly off-kilter, being into things super intensely … those things have become my biggest strength.”

Like many autistics, Howells has “masked” most of her life. She’s learnt the acceptable way of acting and responding and behaving, in order to come across as “normal”. Things such as small talk and facial expressions are something she’s always practised. And she says maintaining eye contact is something she still does manually.

“I have to think, ’now’s the normal time to look up, and now I’ve given myself a few seconds so I can look away for a little bit, but now I’ve got to come back to you’,” she says.

Masking is something we all do to some degree. We change our behaviour or responses to fit certain situations, but most of us do it without really thinking about it.

Clinical psychologist Dr Sarah Watson says knowing when, where and with whom you can be yourself is a complicated process for those with autism.

But clinical psychologist Dr Sarah Watson says for autistic people it’s exhausting, because it’s constant. “And the demands are so much greater, because the behaviour change has to be so intentional. You don’t have that automatic part that’s just doing it for you.”

A growing number of autistic and neurodivergent people are trying to get on with life without the mask. But podcast host Gray says this is not straightforward.

“We have certain expectations of how a ‘good person’ conducts themselves in society,” she says. “And when you deviate from that – even if you’re being true to yourself – people find it hard to understand or accept. You’re often perceived as rude or disinterested, even when that’s not the case at all. It’s no wonder so many autistic people feel they have to mask, but it must be exhausting.”

Watson says knowing when, where and with whom you can be yourself is a complicated process. “It can lead to some really complicated feelings about yourself and your own identity”, she says. “Questions like, ‘Who am I? Is this really me? Why do I have to do this?’ are really common.”

For Howells, the process of unmasking is ongoing. But she’s relishing the fact she can be herself on stage, doing what she loves.

“I think it’s the biggest lesson of my whole life,” she says. “I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self, ‘as much as you feel like a freak and you hate all this stuff about yourself, it’s going to be your strength. And the people that love you, they’re going to really love you!’”

No Such Thing as Normal is a NZ Herald podcast, hosted by Sonia Gray, with new episodes available every Saturday.

Season One won Best History & Documentary Podcast at the 2024 NZ Radio and Podcast Awards, and was one of Apple Podcast’s Most Shared series in 2023.

The series was made with the support of NZ on Air.

You can listen to it on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.