Kiwi sex and relationships coach Michelle Kasey shares her expert tips for reconnecting with a partner and reigniting intimacy. Photo / Whenua Film
Tips for initiating intimacy with skill and confidence and gently pushing past fear and embarrassment to flirt with a partner who already knows you so well
What first comes to mind when you think about seduction?
A dimly lit room with candles, soft music and fancy lingerie? A slow sumptuous walk, a thirsty bite of the lip, a sip of red wine and a scandalous whisper?
My career sits at a fascinating intersection of eroticism. I’m a Sex and Relationships Therapist by day, who’s spent the last seven years supporting people to better their intimacy, pleasure, and connection.
By night, I’m a burlesque artist and teacher, who has taught thousands of students to move with sensuality and tease an audience.
Upon hearing that I’m a burlesque artist, people occasionally say things like “your partner is a lucky man”. I assume they’ve surmised that he is the recipient of many private dances.
Truthfully, it is rare for me to use my showgirl skills – which look great on stage – in my personal life. Because real-life seduction isn’t about checking off a list of performatively sexy actions. It’s about building real connection, feeling emotionally safe, tuning into a partner’s desires and needs, and discovering your authentic expression of desire.
Recently, I asked my Instagram community to share the challenges they encounter when it comes to initiating intimacy. The risk of rejection, not feeling hot enough, worrying about pressuring a partner, feeling embarrassed, and concerns about getting their timing wrong were among their shares.
These challenges highlight the importance of creating an emotionally safe space within the relationship, which is crucial for a satisfying sex life. A place where both partners feel free to express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection.
This is the cushion you can trust to soften a fall when taking the risk of revealing yourself. It’s usually the first thing I help my couples clients to build.
It’s common to feel awkward about initiating. It’s vulnerable to shine a light on your desire, asking your partner to join you in theirs. I encourage you to embrace both your desire and the vulnerability that comes with it as a pathway to deeper intimacy.
Acting “sexy” and “confident” tends to be far less attractive than allowing yourself to be seen in the honesty of your wants and needs. It can be liberating to let go of the need to be perfect, perhaps even sharing, “I feel nervous about this, but I would really love to be close to you tonight”.
Often we are seeking validation or a specific outcome from seduction. If we don’t receive the response we were hoping for, we might feel inadequate and undesirable afterwards.
So instead, I like to think of initiating as a gift to my beloved. What might bring a smile to his face? What could bring him comfort, relaxation, or pleasure? This reframe can help to detach from the outcome and find enjoyment in the act of giving.
If the erotic fire in your relationship has been dormant for some time, I encourage you not to wait until you feel completely confident but to find the courage to begin with smaller, less vulnerable gestures.
Disconnection often arises from the buildup of hurt and resentment that many long-term relationships experience – walls guarding the heart. It takes a brave partner to gently guide the relationship in a new direction.
So, start with playful touches or flirtatious conversations, gradually increasing intimacy as your confidence grows. Each small risk you take, met with a positive response, strengthens your courage and eases the fear of rejection or judgment.
Initiation is a practice. Like all practices, it takes time and the willingness to make mistakes along the way. If things don’t go as planned, don’t see it as a failure – see it as part of your journey towards more confidence and connection.
Time for the juicy stuff. To me, initiating comes in two main styles: invitational, which is about being open, soft and receptive, and directional, which involves taking the lead.
Instead of trying to control or initiate from a place of effort, experiment with softening into a receptive state – physically, emotionally and energetically – allowing space for your partner to naturally come closer. This state of being, rather than doing, carries a natural magnetism that invites connection.
You might soften your gaze, facial expression, tone of voice, and sit quietly with your partner offering them your fullest attention.
Bringing a gentle, welcoming smile to your face that says, “I’m here and happy to connect” without needing to use words.
Relaxing your shoulders, uncrossing your arms and tilting your body slightly towards them. Letting your body language communicate your warmth and openness. Would you like to read this paragraph again and do a little practice?
How does your partner respond when you express your desire through this embodiment of softness? Or one of playfulness and sensuality, which have a similar effect. Instead of asking for what you want in a direct or commanding way, notice what happens when you use invitational language. For example, instead of saying “I need you to prioritise our intimacy” try something like “I’m in the mood for snuggles”. This gives your partner the opportunity to step in.
Directional seduction is about taking charge, being decisive, and leading the dance.
It’s about knowing and owning what you want and moving towards it with clarity, purposefulness and very importantly, attunement.
Directional seduction encourages you to understand your own desires and needs, while also tuning into what your partner desires, how they feel in the moment, and how they respond. The goal is to take charge of the experience in a way that allows your partner to trust and surrender to your leadership – because no one wants to follow someone who disregards their needs, dishonours their boundaries, or prioritises their own desire over genuine connection and care.
We tend to find someone who is present, slow, and stable, more trustworthy. You might breathe deep and slow in and out of the lower belly to ground your emotions and be more stable, bringing your presence to your partner.
Your presence should communicate that you are fully there for them, ready to guide the experience with focus and care.
You might give clear directions, for example, “Lie down, I’m going to take care of you” or “Let’s make love tonight”.
Take charge of the environment, dining lights, playing music or arranging the setting in a way that invites your partner to relax into the experience. You might take your partner’s hand, or guide their body toward yours conveying decisiveness and presence.
Culturally, we often associate this style of initiation with men, but I prefer to strip away gendered expectations around different seduction styles. People of all genders crave both invitational and directional seduction, as these experiences offer the balance of surrender and control that many of us seek.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer some tips for finding the time and energy to put all of this into practice. Modern life, with its many distractions and responsibilities, can make it difficult to prioritise connection with a partner. Here are some principles and practices to help create space for what nourishes your relationship.
1. Bring your presence and energy to mini moments of connection. Hugs and kisses on autopilot are missed opportunities. Be intentional about the energy you bring to these in-between moments, using them to show your partner they are cherished.
2. Don’t wait for the “perfect” moment. How often is the house spotless, the to-do list complete, your confidence sky-high, and you’re feeling great about your body, hair, and outfit? Probably not that often. Focus on showing up with whatever time, energy, or space you have, and bring your presence to the exchange. It’s enough.
3. Treat intimacy as a priority, just like work and other commitments. On your deathbed, what will you wish you had prioritised? Set aside time for uninterrupted connection and protect it like any other important obligation. This might mean closing laptops, putting phones away, or scheduling intimacy dates. If you prefer spontaneity, consider: has it actually been happening spontaneously?
Ultimately, both invitational and directional seduction are about creating a deeper connection with your partner – one that honours their desires as well as your own. By finding a balance between being open and taking the lead, you make room for intimacy to grow, even amidst the busyness of life. True seduction isn’t about getting everything perfect; it’s about being present, real, and willing to explore what’s possible together.
Michelle Kasey (she/her) is an award-winning sex and relationships therapist who works with clients in NZ and internationally to have healthier relationships and more satisfying sex lives. She is also a celebrated burlesque artist and teacher, champion pole dancer, and writer.
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