I began writing this column in no small part, to confront that; to say things I hadn't felt confident enough to articulate in bed. Things I knew other women couldn't find the words to say, either.
But even now, a decade into voicing what we've traditionally been taught to leave unsaid, we're barely breaking ground. Silence and performative pleasure still permeate our bedrooms.
Perhaps because we're yet to fully normalise women assertively asking for what we want without being branded difficult or unpalatable.
A tweet that went viral this past week is testament to that. In it, a guy asks: "Ladies: what are the sexual acts you think men should stop during sex? Honest feedback."
The answers are not particularly revolutionary – from requesting gentler clitoral stimulation (or, as one woman put it: "don't sandpaper it. You're not a carpenter") to putting an end to rushed foreplay.
Many of the responses call for a ban on guys replicating sex acts commonly seen in porn, too – like slapping, choking and spitting: "You're supposed to just grab [my breasts] not slap," insists one female Twitter user – highlighting the dissonance between what men are shown on screen, and authentic female pleasure.
In short, there's nothing eye-opening about the content of the thread. What's startling, is the fact women seem to feel safer anonymously sharing basic sexual needs on the internet, than they do at home with their own partners.
It's even more unnerving women are participating in sex acts they not only don't enjoy, but that include physical discomfort, distress or pain.
Many of the Twitter response allude to this, sharing "it hurts when …" and "please be gentler when …".
A 2019 survey by research group Savanta ComRes confirms just how pervasive this issue is. It found more than a third of women have experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex.
I've noticed this topic coming up in the conversations I'm having with my peers more in the past few years, too.
A friend recently remarked over drinks, "Guys are so into choking right now."
When I pressed her on how she'd come to this deduction, she answered, "The last three men I've slept with have all tried to choke me without asking, the first time we had sex."
To be clear, I don't take issue with women participating in erotic asphyxiation. I've been known to consensually partake in it myself when the mood strikes.
What troubles me about the dialogue women are having around sex today, is the lack of communication there appears to be when it comes to fundamental concerns like consent and comfort.
Though I regularly hear it from male readers, it's crude to suggest the solution to this issue lies in women simply speaking up in bed. (As one man comically offered, "My wife never bloody shuts up! So why is she all of a sudden mute in bed??)
We need to instead ask ourselves why women don't feel safe enough to be doing that in the first place.
More so, we need men to be proactive in creating spaces for women to vocalise the things that are being left unsaid around pleasure, comfort and consent.
One man who added to the thread perhaps said it best when he tweeted: "There's no manual to satisfying a woman. Just ask her how she likes it and do it how she likes it."
