Women are more attracted to some men when they are already in a relationship. Photo / 123rf
OPINION:
“I’m getting all this extra attention since I got a missus,” a mate bragged over drinks recently.
“I want to know something…” he started, taking a sip of beer and pausing, as though holding the thought on his tongue.
“Why are women into guys with girlfriends?”
It’s a question that’s plagued Reddit forums for eons, and an enigma apparently so vexing, science is still attempting to solve it.
One of the main theories to come out of this research is a phenomenon dubbed “mate choice copying”, which proposes that, like many species, women save themselves the time of sorting through prospective partners by hitting up men who’ve already been identified as mate-worthy.
Except that women aren’t animals, and the idea we’re innately b**chy and would gladly drive our stilettos into each other’s backs to land a husband is a patriarchal construct designed to hoodwink us into minimising ourselves for men.
See also: The Bachelor - a franchise dedicated to convincing 30 highly-accomplished, attractive women (who are definitely not plied with questionable amounts of alcohol, zero access to the outside world and grandiose romantic scenarios that would absolutely never occur in real life) that they need to do whatever it takes to garner the affections of a guy who appears to bring little more to the table than visible abs.
In reality, women are inherently prosocial - just ask any woman who’s ever cried in a public restroom and had half a dozen strangers offer her tissues, fresh mascara, and a spontaneous group therapy session.
Perhaps what’s most farcical about the “mate choice copying” theory is the implication it makes that women’s lives centre around men, and that male attention is so scarce, we’re forced to climb over one another to get it.
Conversely, there’s been a sharp shift toward women consciously choosing singledom in line with the strides the feminist movement has made toward gender parity in the last decade; particularly in terms of increased reproductive and economic autonomy.
A 2019 study by Morgan Stanley predicted that, by 2030, 45 per cent of women ages 25 to 44 will be single; a trend psychologist Greg Matos discusses in his viral article, The Rise of Single Lonely Men.
“While you don’t actually need to be in a relationship to be happy, men typically are happier and healthier when partnered… The only problem is that upwards of 62 per cent of [dating app] users are men,” Matos wrote.
This is, of course, because there’s no mass version of The Bachelor being played out in women’s everyday lives. Male attention is abundant, and women are arguably less interested in it than ever before.
If you’re a man who’s recently gotten into a relationship and you happen to find yourself on the receiving end of extra attention from the opposite sex, it isn’t thanks to a bizarre phenomenon whereby uttering the word “girlfriend” produces a horde of lustful women.
Women simply gravitate toward coupled-up men because they feel safer.
A guy standing at the bar buying a drink for his girlfriend, or a man routinely dropping his wife’s name into conversation at a party, is less likely to express an attraction to us, and to then make that attraction our problem for the rest of the night.
As such, we tend to be more relaxed around these kinds of men and subsequently conducive to friendly conversations with them.
Though patriarchal ideas of womanhood would have us believe otherwise, women don’t leave our houses each day with the goal of attracting men. Most of us actively try to avoid it because of how routinely men’s attention manifests in sexual harassment and objectification.
Instead of asking: “Why do women suddenly want to be around me, now I have a girlfriend?”, men might benefit from enquiring: “How am I behaving the rest of the time that doesn’t make women feel like they can do that?”
The answer won’t be nearly as palatable or ego-boosting as anything you’re likely to find on Reddit, but it may help science focus on solving more important issues. Like why I’m still watching The Bachelor, even though it’s the worst show in the world.
New York Times: Our are devices distancing us from real connections?