Nadia Bokody: Men understand almost nothing about women's bodies

Basic sex question thousands of men fail. Photo / Instagram

"Can you identify the vagina?"

This was the question put to a group of a thousand men by researchers as part of a study attempting to address the stigmatisation of female genitalia.

Just 50 per cent of participants were able to accurately locate it.

It's hardly news to women.

For every male reader rushing to my comments section to declare he's never had a woman fake an orgasm on him, and anyway, there are "ways to tell", there's three women in my DMs confessing their husband of 10 years has no idea they've never climaxed.

If writing about female pleasure has taught me anything, it's that men just don't get it.

And this isn't by design. The majority are doing the best they can with the scant knowledge they have. Which is key here – because we don't equip boys with the necessary information to have mutually fulfilling sexual interactions with women.

Research published in online journal BMJ Open found just 39 per cent of young men see school sex education as a reliable source for information about sex. Roughly half said they leaned on alternate sources, such as pornography, friends and real-world experience, to learn about sex.

It's really little wonder less than half of heterosexual women – compared to 91 per cent of men – orgasm every time they have intercourse (while research suggests during solo play, most women reach climax reliably, within just a few minutes).

But it's not just orgasms we're short-changing men from providing their female partners; more pertinently, it's the ability to connect with their humanity.

When Boys & Sex author and researcher Peggy Orenstein asked teen boys about their sexual experiences, she noted the use of vernacular like "nailing", "pounding" and "hammering" – jargon she likened to "(as if they were on) a construction site, not like they engaged in an act of intimacy."

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Let’s talk about a sociological phenomenon called “covering”.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ In a nutshell, “covering” is something people with stigmatised identities do to draw attention away from certain traits about themselves. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ President Roosevelt’s concealment of his wheelchair is a perfect example of covering in action. While it was widely known Roosevelt lived with a disability, he was never photographed in his wheelchair and typically scheduled his meetings so he was already positioned behind a desk when his advisers arrived.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ For many of us, covering is not something we do consciously, but rather, instinctively, as a means of protecting ourselves from possible discrimination or rejection. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Though I’ve never made it a secret I have a mental illness - and even talk about it in my writing and on my YouTube channel - in my everyday life, I tend to mask it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Things I still do to cover my mental illness include:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✖️Wearing long sleeves even when I’m hot, so as not to draw attention to my scars⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✖️Withdrawing when I need support the most ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✖️Being my most extroverted, loud and joke-cracking self when I’m in the most pain⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✖️Actively telling people I’m doing really well when I’m in the grips of depression and anxiety⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✖️Telling colleagues I’m off with the flu when I’ve actually been hospitalised for a mental health episode⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✖️Referring to therapy in conversation as ‘a doctor’s appointment’ or something otherwise non-specific ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’m still working on undoing a lifetime of negative conditioning around mental illness, as well as my fear my friends and loved ones will leave me if they see my illness in full swing. This shit takes time. But awareness is the first step.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Let’s get real together. What part of yourself do you cover?

A post shared by Nadia Bokody (@nadiabokody) on Aug 31, 2020 at 4:15am PDT

In my time as a high school teacher (little-known fact: I tried my hand at teaching secondary school English before becoming a journalist), it wasn't uncommon to overhear male students talking about the girls they'd engaged in sex acts with.

What struck me more than the young age of the kids having these conversations, was the way in which they spoke about their physical encounters with girls.

"I hit that" and "she took it good", were terms regularly exchanged among the boys I supervised at lunch on basketball courts and in canteen lines. Sewn into the fabric of these conversations, was an unsettling absence of recognition for the girls beyond their body parts.

By conditioning young men to view women through the lens of objectification (one only has to turn on the TV or look at an ad to see how ubiquitous the depiction of women as human Fleshlights is), what we ultimately do, is impair their ability to accurately interpret – or even recognise – their female partner's arousal level.

And this is evidenced in the research. Studies consistently show men get it wrong when it comes to determining women's sexual interest in them, which may explain why, according to a survey of

more than 13,000 women published in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine, one in 16 women describe their first sexual encounter as unwanted.

Indeed, the women I talk to speak about sexual partners choking, slapping and being generally aggressive with them without seeking their consent.

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I believed what the movies told me when I was growing up.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I believed I’d meet a man who would complete me. That my life wouldn’t be full until I found him.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Then my marriage broke down and I had to rethink everything.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I learned to be okay on my own. I learned sex could be something I gave myself, not a service I provided a potential boyfriend in exchange for commitment.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I learned to ask for what I wanted, and to let go of the idea that doing things that bought me pleasure - both sexually and emotionally - was selfish. I learned this was a lie our culture teaches women to keep us small and disconnected from our power.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Now I’m in a committed relationship with a man, I don’t look to him to complete me. He knows he’s not my “other half” or my “soulmate” - not because he isn’t amazing (because he is) or because I’m exploring other options (because I’m not) but because I don’t buy into that shit anymore.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Men are always addressed as ‘Mr’ regardless of whether they’re single or attached. Women’s status is defined by whether or not we’ve secured a man. We’re either a ‘Miss’ or a ‘Mrs’. That leads us to place way, way too much value in being in romantic relationships.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The truth is, we’re actually already worthy and complete on our own. And Jerry McGuire was wrong; we don’t need ANYONE to complete us.

A post shared by Nadia Bokody (@nadiabokody) on Oct 5, 2020 at 3:15am PDT

But while it's tempting to rage at men for the damage they've inflicted (and they should be held accountable), we need to first ask ourselves if it's reasonable to expect them to behave differently in a culture that sends boys so many confusing messages about sex.

Because, when your only source for information about female pleasure is the pages of PornHub – where the women are merely disembodied breasts and genitals, consent is never required, and rougher is always better – should we really be surprised so many men don't understand what mutually pleasurable, consensual sex looks like?

Should we really be taken aback so many men spew vitriol at me for daring to suggest most women aren't having satisfying sex, when we've taught them their masculinity hinges entirely on their sexual aptitude with women?

Is anyone actually shocked men can't label an anatomical diagram of the vulva, when we teach boys girls' bodies are merely vessels to be "tapped", "nailed" and "hammered"?

Admittedly, I get angry every time I open an email from a man insisting something I wrote about female pleasure – as a living, breathing female myself – is incorrect, read a comment from a guy who feels the need to publicly declare he's never had an orgasm faked on him (proof, if ever, that he absolutely has), or receive a DM from a man calling me an "ugly, unf***able sl**" for being a woman who writes about sex.

But I'm not angry at men.

I'm angry at the system that lets them down, and in turn, denies women dignity, pleasure and body autonomy.

The truth is, as long as we raise boys in a culture that views girls as vessels for the legitimisation of their masculinity, we can't expect them to grow into men who are anything other than absolutely clueless about how those women's bodies work.