Nadia Bokody: Five-word phrase that's 'ruining' sex

Nadia Bokody says a certain "anxiety-inducing" phrase could be "ruining" your sex life. Photo / stock image

OPINION:

I'm having a one-night-stand.

The sex is unexpectedly good, given we just met a couple of hours earlier and have only exchanged basic banter.

So good, in fact, I think I'm going to ... OK, wow.

Yes, oh god, YES! I'm definitely going to.

"I want you to come," they say.

OK, never mind.

Like a spooked deer, I feel the possibility of my orgasm dart away deep into the woods of my anxious mind, certain never to return – at least, not for the rest of the night.

The vanishing climax is a common phenomenon, and it's mainly due to the powerful connection between our brains and our genitalia, governed by our body's command centre – the nervous system.

If you've ever felt butterflies in your stomach, had a racing heart, or noticed your breathing suddenly become shallow under stress, you've experienced the effects of the nervous system firing up.

Another less discussed sign it's at work? Sexual performance issues, like difficulty climaxing and achieving or maintaining an erection.

This is because when our nervous system registers a threat (which can be anything anxiety-inducing) it begins pulling blood from where it's needed least (think: digestive and sexual functions) and redirecting it to vital organs and large muscles, to ready the body to flee from danger.

In early human history, this was useful for navigating living among predatory animals like tigers (because getting your rocks off takes a back seat when you're being chased by a Sabertooth).

But in our modern day, where the tigers are metaphorical (read: looming work deadlines, family stress, and, you guessed it, pressure from a partner to reach orgasm), it can really put a dampener on our ability to have a good time.

Nadia says if your partner has a vulva, telling them "I really want you to orgasm" could actually hinder your chances of getting them there. Photo / Instagram

And a study by scientists in the Netherlands which looked at brain scans taken during sexual stimulation proves this is especially true for people with vulvas. It found that, when they got close to climax, the parts of the brain responsible for fear and anxiety shut down.

When the same people were asked to fake an orgasm however, those parts of the brain remained active, reinforcing the essential link between relaxation and climax.

So, if your partner has a vulva, telling them, "I really want you to orgasm" could actually hinder your chances of getting them there, especially if they're one of the almost 60 per cent of women who've felt pressured enough to fake it, according to research published in The Journal Of Sexual Archives.

Of course, the idea that you're only successful in bed if you bring your partner to climax is entirely nonsensical and rooted in an outdated heteronormative idea of sex that suggests it's a goal-oriented exercise with a distinct finish line.

In reality, great sex needn't include an orgasm at all.

A healthier model of intimacy might look more like reciprocal, enthusiastic, consensual pleasure, where climax is viewed as a bonus, rather than the objective.

The danger of going into sex with orgasm as the goal is it overlooks the significance of acts like extended kissing, eye contact, teasing and caressing, which have the potential to unlock intense pleasure, and are ironically more conducive for vulva owners, who tend to require longer to get off.

Less emphasis on a set "end point", and more time spent engaging in foreplay (which really should just be called "sex" and not viewed as something that happens separately to it or preceding it), also promotes connection, vulnerability, and mindfulness – elements researchers identified as key to satisfying sex in a paper published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality.

And importantly, moving away from an idea of sex that's outcome-focused and towards one that's more explorative unburdens us from performance pressure – a climax killer if ever there were one.

So, in short, if you want to improve your chances of getting your partner to get to The Big O – especially if they have a vulva – you'd be wise to take it off the table altogether.

As anyone who's had life-changing sex knows, the measure of a great sexual partner isn't whether they get you to climax (in truth, this can be achieved with ease and efficiency by all genders during solo sex), it's someone who coaxes you gently out of the woods of your anxious mind and puts you at the kind of ease that makes profound pleasure possible.

And if that should result in an orgasm? Well, I don't think anyone's going to complain.