Dear Shaky,
Your wife has told you that she was exhausted. What is to stop you believing her? She was exhausted and you initiated sex and we can assume that she said yes because she wanted to – either because her desire flickered into life, or because maintenance sex can be something that people take quite seriously in a marriage.
And that is not necessarily a bad thing. This happens. She was relaxed, which is a good thing. If she had already had an orgasm, her body will have been flooded with all sorts of soothing, sleepy hormones.
But sometimes we embark on things with the best intentions only to find that we can’t quite deliver. Could be that we set out on a run knowing we are a bit knackered but craving fresh air and an endorphin rush and all the good stuff a run can deliver. But we have to abandon the run because we find we are just too tired. Sex can be like this too. We want it, we enjoy it, we start it, we are too tired for it.
You are doing well with your healthy sex life. Feel reassured and happy about that. You tell us in the longer version of your letter that you have sex once or twice a week. A recent survey found that the average UK married couple has sex once every three months. We are not having a lot of sex.
Life is stressful. Money is stressful. Children are stressful. Stress is tiring. Look at her reaction. It does not seem, to us, to be indicative of any deep shame she has around her sexual success (which so many of us drag around). She does not seem defensive or, outwardly at least, worried. She laughed.
She’s not laughing at you – she’s laughing, as we all do, about the fact that we are so tired we do everything a little bit badly. When you are a married grown-up, almost your entire life is an obstacle to sex. Eating makes you too full. Kids are the world’s most efficient sex buzzkillers.
Drinking makes you sloppy rather than frisky. Kids. Your elderly mother needs something. A late-night email lands. Did we mention kids? It’s an assault course to even get as far as “D’you fancy it?” It’s funny. Laughing feels like a healthy response. It might be wise to have sex when you are both well-rested, although the worry is that might be rarely or even never so you could just give yourself a bit of a talking to and say to yourself in the mirror: “She was really tired that one time. We have a lovely sex life. This single incident is not a reflection on our mutual attraction or my masculinity.”
Like so many moments that rattle us, you could also see this as an opportunity. You could (again not when she is exhausted and/or frazzled) try to say something like, “I find you deeply desirable and I love having sex with you. I would really like to know if there is anything I could do to make it more exciting or fulfilling for you.” If it feels right and this conversation seems to have captured her attention, you could add, “You obviously don’t have to tell me now. You could tell me another time. Or just… show me.”
You might learn something, or she might say – as many of the exhausted women we know would – “God no. I am in no way in the market for more exciting. I love our mutually satisfying, connected, loving, time-efficient sex.”
Perhaps one of the sexiest plans of action would be to look at why she is so tired. I mean, this is hot. Is she doing too much and can you pick up some of the slack yourself or find a way to lighten her load? Getting excited just thinking about this, to be honest.
Take the children off at the weekend and tell her to have a long nap. Come home with dinner or order some recipe delivery boxes (like HelloFresh or Gousto) for a couple of weeks and also cook them. Vacuum, goddammit, or hire a cleaner if you can afford it. Run her a bath. Make her some tea. Listen to what she has to say. Ask if you can help. “I see and deeply appreciate everything that you do and I’d love to help more.” Deeply sexy stuff. - A&E
