Affluent neglect occurs when wealthy parents replace emotional connection with material gifts, leaving children emotionally unfulfilled. Photo / Getty Images
Children with wealthy but emotionally distant families may be victims of an unintentional – and often overlooked – form of mistreatment
Most parents strive to provide for their children. Many hope to give their offspring the comfortable life they never had. But when acquiring, maintaining, and enjoying wealth comes ahead of the children’s needs – what then?
‘Affluent neglect’ is the term recently coined for what happens when wealthy families not only outsource their childcare to paid employees, but bring up their offspring to believe that material goods are equivalent to – or better than – love.
And while child protection services generally focus on the signs of physical neglect and abuse, it’s now becoming clear that growing up materially rich but emotionally poor can cause just as much pain.
It’s seldom intentional – but working extremely long hours, replacing quality time with quality goods and offering a fleet of staff rather than family connection are all hallmarks of affluent neglect.
The NSPCC (a United Kingdom children’s charity) explains that emotional neglect happens when “a child doesn’t get the nurture and stimulation they need”.
A study from Goldsmiths University also found that “commonly encountered cases involve struggling teenagers in private fee-paying and boarding schools, who [are] often isolated from their parents physically and emotionally”.
In such cases, parents may well send their troubled child or teen to expensive therapy, failing to understand that it’s often their own lack of connection that’s driving the difficulties.
“As we’ve become a more affluent society, of course parents want to provide their children with the best opportunities in life, but this must not be in isolation,” says psychotherapist Nicola Saunders.
“Young people are now exposed to multiple influences online, good and bad, and the only people they can truly rely on are the people that chose to bring them into the world.
“If we’re emotionally detached from our children and believe that setting them up for material success is enough, we are sadly mistaken.”
Often, it’s only in adulthood that children affected by affluent neglect can look back and fully assess the impact of their parents’ behaviour.
“My parents divorced when I was 8, and I lived with my mum,” says Joanna, 42.
“She had a very demanding job in a London law firm, and would leave the house by 7am and get home 14 hours later. I had a nanny, but by the time I was 13, it was felt that I could cope alone – the housekeeper would leave my dinner in the fridge.”
Joanna was bored and lonely.
“Because I had a big house and a large allowance, my place became the teen hang-out. By 14 I was taking drugs regularly and sneaking into clubs. I messed up my A levels and had to retake [them]. It was only when I went to university that I began to see a counsellor and unpick my childhood.”
Joanna has never spoken to her mother about it – “she thought she was doing the right thing, providing for me”.
There are many reasons why affluent parents may inadvertently neglect their children, says Saunders.
“Prioritising wealth over emotional connection may stem from their own childhood experiences,” she explains. “If a parent has grown up in poverty, their emotional driver is to provide the best they can for their children and give them a comfortable life.”
There are also wealthy families which have evolved in chaos, and embody what psychologists refer to as ‘the toxic trio’: substance abuse, domestic violence, and parental mental illness.
This kind of affluent neglect often ignores risk-taking behaviours, pushing children to ‘act out’ further, in a bid for attention.
Anyone who has ever watched HBO’s hit series Succession will recognise this scenario – and while certain behaviours may be red flags in deprived families, children insulated by wealth often present as well-dressed and well-cared for, so are far less likely to set off alarm bells.
Meanwhile, for the families’ staff, whose jobs rely on discretion, it can be simpler to turn a blind eye than confront the issues at play.
While some wealthy parents who employ nannies do everything in their power to spend meaningful time with their children outside of work, others are happy to let staff do the lot, says Alice*, who works as a nanny for well-off families and has experienced affluent neglect first-hand.
“I’ve worked for families where parents have been absent up to 60 hours a week, but they have a close bond regardless, because they invest heavily in the time they do spend with the children,” she says.
“As long as they have the right nanny, these children generally thrive.”
But Baker has also witnessed the impact of parental guilt. “Most families I have worked for feel it, particularly the mums, who tend to spoil the children as a result – they put no rules or boundaries in place, because they don’t want the kids to ‘hate them’.”
Then there are the absentee parents. She recalls one birthday party which she organised and hosted. “The dad went off to play golf. The child confided in me that they were upset about it.
“Sadly, I’ve been to many Christmas plays, concerts and sports days without the parents, and those are the times where the kids really do want their parents there,” Baker says.
“They are the moments that they remember most. Parents who never do bedtime can be hard for children, too. A phone call before bed every night isn’t enough.”
Money is no match for time, agrees Saunders. “Children need their parents’ time, love, a sense of safety and security, and most of all, they need to know that they are loved without conditions.”
But when parents work long hours for high income, priorities often shift to self-care. “I had one mum tell me how close she was with her kids, how she felt terrible for having a nanny ... then, after a week of me being there, she and her absent banker husband went off to the Maldives for 10 days alone,” says Alice.
Their four children “hated not seeing their parents and acted up when they were with them”, she says. “The 10-year-old girl was regularly bought designer bags, shoes, clothes and perfume to keep her sweet.”
Rather than providing an opportunity for family re-connection, holidays can often be prime examples of affluent neglect.
Joe*, 36, says: “I was 6 when I was sent to boarding school, because my father was working in Dubai. In the summer breaks, we holidayed at five-star hotels all over the world, but it was my parents’ time off.
“I wasn’t allowed to splash in the pool as rich people were relaxing, and I was left with the hotel nanny, usually some bored 19-year-old waitress, while they went to dinner.”
“We always went to Mexico for Christmas. I used to watch films about traditional families and long for snow and jolly neighbours. I’d be given beautifully-wrapped presents from Harrods, but I suspected they were ordered by my dad’s secretaries.”
Former nanny Kathryn Lord has experienced similar dynamics. “Some children I worked with saw more of me on their family vacation than their parents,” she says.
“Even at mealtimes, I sat on the children’s table while the parents ate elsewhere, so they lacked the family bonding and the emotional connection.
“These people were multi-billionaires, with a mansion at the bottom of their garden that was just for parties. I was hired three days before that trip [the family holiday] without meeting the children.”
On another job, she adds: “I had to sleep in the same bedroom as the child, as he had night terrors and I was the one who was there for him. I didn’t say anything to the parents, as everything went through a household manager and I liaised mostly with the weekday nanny.”
Lord is quick to point out affluent neglect doesn’t affect every family that employs nannies. “I have worked for other extremely wealthy families and they’re not all like that,” she says.
Still, all wealthy parents need to understand how little store children set by money - and how vital it is to be part of a family which is involved and invested in their lives, says Saunders.
“It’s so common for affluent parents to fund whatever is needed in order to ‘give their child a good start in life’, whether that be material goods, education or opportunities,” she says.
“This can be amazing in so many ways – but not when it comes at the cost of time and connection.”
*Names have been changed
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