Can you show compassion after a double betrayal by your partner and best friend? Photo / 123rf
Can you show compassion after a double betrayal by your partner and best friend? Photo / 123rf
A reader is eager to patch things over with her best friend and her boyfriend after they had a tryst behind her back. But should she be so eager?
Q. I recently discovered that my (male) partner, with whom I expected to be in a long-term relationship and have children,had a sexual rendezvous with my best friend, who is a gay man. My partner and I are in a monogamous relationship, so his cheating and betrayal were deeply saddening to me. But this was his first sexual experience with a man, so I can’t tell how much repression may have been involved or if I should be part of working that out. My partner and I have had a great relationship and amazing sexual chemistry that was new to me as a bisexual woman. I want to be compassionate to everyone involved and keep my dear friend and my kindhearted partner in my life. How should I approach this issue? - Girlfriend
A. I respect your impulse for compassion. Expressing same-sex desire can be complicated for some people. Still, setting aside all the sexual labels you have provided and acknowledging the repression your partner may feel about his sexuality, he cheated on you with your best friend while you were in a monogamous relationship. Is that not a bridge too far? And his choice of sexual partner almost makes it seem as if he wanted you to catch him.
For now, stop worrying about your “kindhearted partner” and your “dear friend” and start thinking of yourself. Before you can consider next steps with these men, you should explore more fully – and preferably with a therapist – what their betrayal means to you and why you seem so willing to forgive their bad behaviour.
You may also benefit from reading Tell Me Everything, an incisive new novel by Elizabeth Strout in which she describes one of her central characters as a “sin eater” – a man who takes on the wrongdoings of others as if they were his own – while exploring the heavy price that such people pay for what they think of as kindness. It is not your job to fix other people or to make their lapses OK.
Compassion should never overshadow self-respect when dealing with betrayal in a relationship. Photo / 123rf
Model parents
Q. My 11-year-old daughter is a sculptor. That may seem like a strange hobby for a child, but she is very, very good. She is especially interested in anatomy, so we enrolled her in an art class with live models. Recently, though, the classes became too expensive for our budget, so my wife and I take turns modelling for her. And I tend to model more often than my wife. The problem: My daughter wants to explore our full anatomy, but I am deeply uncomfortable at the idea of modelling nude for her. Still, I don’t want to deprive her of any opportunity her wealthier peers will have. What should I do? - Father
A. Sometimes, and especially when we love someone, we can talk ourselves into false choices on their behalf: here, modelling nude for your preteen daughter or robbing her of an arts education. I promise you that she can still progress splendidly as a sculptor if you keep your clothes on. (Genitalia can wait!) I also encourage you to respect your feelings of deep discomfort – and to teach your daughter to respect hers as well. That’s a far more important lesson than anatomical precision.
Teaching children about respecting personal boundaries is as crucial as fostering their artistic skills. Photo / 123rf
A 5% tipping gap that feels like a canyon
Q. Recently, an old friend paid for a group lunch at a restaurant we visit frequently. We were to repay him our shares by Venmo. But when I realised he was tipping only 15% for the group, I started an argument. As a server myself, and having had this conversation with him before, I feel insulted by his continued indifference to my views about tipping standards. Are my feelings warranted? - Friend
A. As part of the communally paying lunch party, you were free to express your concern about the tip amount. (And I understand that tipping may be a personal issue for you.) Still, I believe that tips of 15% to 20% are widely considered customary, though 20% is the norm in my experience.
But since you have already shared your opinion with your friend, you might have avoided an unnecessary argument by simply leaving an additional tip yourself. We are not entitled to dictate the amount that other people leave as tips – not even old friends.
Thanking someone for a ‘nongift’ can sometimes create more awkwardness than ignoring it.Photo / 123rf
Thanks for nothing!
Q. My husband took me to lunch for my birthday. My parents took care of babysitting our children. Later, my mother-in-law told me that the lunch was her birthday present to me. But my husband and parents are baffled: My mother-in-law didn’t help with any part of the lunch. How should I thank her for this non-gift, or can I safely never mention it again? - Daughter-in-law
A. In my experience as a lazybones (and in watching other lazybones in action), I’ve noticed that people often intend to mark the special occasions of others, but sometimes we don’t get around to it – or forget. No big deal, right? (You’re not an 8-year-old.) For some, though, the guilt of their omission is strong, so they falsely attach on to the efforts of others: “Lunch was from all of us!” I bet that’s what happened here. I wouldn’t thank your mother-in-law or say another word about it. Why embarrass her?
