By the time you read this I'm going to be on an island with generator power and no internet, so it's occurred to me I can write any old thing and won't have to read the comments.
Actually I was going to start by apologising for the inferior quality of this column as I'm writing this at 4am before going off the grid but I've decided since it's my birthday tomorrow, things are going to change. First up, I'm going to stop saying "sorry" all the time. And, most importantly, I'm going to stop torturing myself. A while ago my therapist asked me to sit in a different chair and talk out loud in the voice in my head.
That was easy: "You're so hopeless. You're so needy. You're pathetic. You failed again. You could have tried harder. You let everyone down. Everything bad that has happened to you is your own fault. No wonder you always get rejected ..." Also, I have fat knees and no hand-to-eye co-ordination and I'm useless at most things that bring you material success in the world, but you get the point.
Therapists are trained to look a bit blank like Jennifer Melfi in The Sopranos, but my therapist actually sounded shocked. She made me stop because I was too vicious. Then she asked me to talk in my kind, supportive inner voice. But when I tried to do that, I couldn't say anything. Not one word. Being mean is how I've talked to myself ever since I can remember.