My husband snores but I refuse to move to the spare room

Living with a snorer can be exhausting. Photo / 123RF

Living with a snorer, however much you might love them, is exhausting and often my eyes are burning with tiredness by midday.

I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 30 years and, so far, so good. We are great friends and have shared a pretty wonderful life together. One of the things I like most about our relationship is the chat before we go to sleep at night. We talk about everything and nothing and sometimes he will read to me, a habit we picked up in the early days.

If I’m lucky, his voice will lull me to sleep and if I’m not, and he falls asleep first, then the trouble begins. He snores, and when I say snore, please imagine a tractor moving into the bedroom. I do what I can: I try to breathe through it and find my sleep in the lulls; I’ve tried earbuds, and building a wall of pillows around me to shield me from the noise.

Living with a snorer, however much you might love them, is exhausting and often my eyes are burning with tiredness by midday after a disturbed night. I find ear buds and eye masks irritating and I don’t like sleeping pills. So what’s to be done?

In the early days I used to give my husband’s shoulder a good shove in the middle of the night and say “You’re snoring!”, which would elicit a cross, “I don’t snore” retort, before he would turn over, taking half the duvet with him.

So one night I recorded him. He didn’t like what he heard. Why, you may ask, don’t I sleep in another room? Well, to start with, I had a house full of children so there was nowhere to go and also I just didn’t want to. I like sharing a room. It matters to me that we are in the same bed.

We are far from the only couple whose marital bed is rocked by this issue. An estimate of 45 per cent of adults snore occasionally, and 25 per cent snore regularly. Twice as many men snore than women. Snoring is certainly not just a male problem, as my husband is only too delighted to report back to me on the (rare) occasions that I do too. But, there are differences when it comes to snoring.

Men are more likely to be overweight, drink alcohol and have nasal problems which all exacerbate snoring. To be precise, snoring is when air flows through the throat during sleep causing soft tissue, like the tongue, tonsils, and soft palate, to vibrate, creating the snoring sound.

According to sleep expert Professor Matthew Walker, if you snore, it’s an indication that you are suffering from sleep apnea, where your breathing stops and starts while you sleep. Those gasping, slightly choking, noises along with loud snoring are a telltale sign.

The result is poor sleep – for both parties. Although my husband often swears he will try and do something about his snoring, his good intentions fade away in the light of day.

Couples therapist Joanna Harrison and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters, believes that snoring can have a very erosive impact on a relationship if not addressed.

“Whilst I don’t think it could ever really be the primary cause of divorce, body noises can drive people crazy, and particularly when it’s getting in the way of sleep. The automatic response of anyone who feels that they’re being criticised about their body, whether it’s snoring or chewing or farting, is defensiveness.”

Harrison suggests the non-snorer (that would be me) has a gentle conversation with the offender (let’s call a spade a spade) and make it easier for them to understand the impact of their affliction.

After some years of resentful nights, and shaking of shoulders, I decided to change tack. When the snoring wakes me I now gently lean over and – pretending I don’t want to club him with a large blunt object – I say in my most dulcet tone: “Excuse me, but would you mind very much turning over as you are snoring a bit?”

I marvel at my ability to be so restrained but, amazingly, it works. He mumbles “OK, sorry”, like an agreeable angel and duly turns on his side and things quieten down. This new approach was, believe it or not, life changing. We can now talk about possible solutions and he is no longer in “snore denial”.

I have also recently discovered the soothing properties of Dreem Distillery night drops, a CBD oil – short for cannabidiol, a compound derived from the hemp plant, not to be confused with the stronger stuff that people smoke – which lull me into a deep quiet sleep.

Then I hear of an award-winning nasal dilator, a type of soft plastic bendy strip which sits just inside the nose and is supposed to improve breathing, and hopefully reduce the dreaded snoring. They are by a brand called Mute, and I snap one up as a “present” for my husband. Now I just need to get him to use it. If it really does work, it would be a gift to us both.

Snoring aids to try

While there is no miracle cure, some snorers – and their long-suffering partners – have found some of these to be helpful.

Flight socks

Research by the University of Toronto in Canada has said flight socks promote good circulation, which reduces the amount of fluid that builds up in the lower leg. The fluid can otherwise move up to the neck and cause the muscles to collapse, leading to snoring or sleep apnoea.

Anti-snore pillows

Anti-snore pillows are a good way to help your snoring problem without trying anything too drastically new. They are designed to adjust the way you sleep, providing support for your head and neck. Investing in one could minimise your snoring by aligning your spine and keeping your airway open.

Nasal strip / dilators

If it’s easier to breathe with your nostrils propped open, a nasal strip or dilator might work for you. The strip goes on the bridge of your nose and helps increase space in your nasal passage. Meanwhile, a nasal dilator is inserted into the nose to hold open your nostrils, apparently making it easier to breathe while you’re asleep. Your mouth should stay closed, reducing the vibrations that cause snoring.

Chin straps

Sometimes it’s the mouth that can be the problem. As you inhale, the soft tissue in your throat can vibrate which leads to snoring. A chinstrap keeps the jaw shut and prevents breathing through the mouth, lessening the likelihood of snoring.

Smart technology

It’s not cheap, but the S8 Anti-Snore Pad claims to measure the quality of sleep through a sound recognition system, detecting and responding to the sounds you make. It fits inside your pillow case or under your pillow, adjusting itself by inflating or deflating depending on the position of your head.