Eager not to participate in his husband’s junk-food habit, a reader hesitates to draw a line in the sand, stung by memories of disagreements over his spouse’s smoking.
Q: My husband, 53, finally stopped smoking after 30 years — not because of my prodding or refusal to buy him cigarettes (which he called self-righteous), but because he could no longer breathe easily. That was two years ago. Since then, he has gained a lot of weight. He is now obese, according to the body mass index. He can’t even bend over to tie his shoes. His father and uncles died young, and I am worried about him. Still, he expects me to buy him highly processed junk food when I go shopping. I see this as a slow death wish, and I want no part in it. Is it reasonable for me to refuse to buy fattening, sugary treats without nutritional value? He can always buy them himself. - Spouse
A: I sympathise with your worries and even with your frustrations about your husband. (You love him!) But your tone strikes me as a bit harsh, and that may not be productive here. In all likelihood, you made the choice to marry a smoker long after the harmful effects of cigarettes were well known. Yet I detect no “Hurray!” in your report that he finally kicked the habit.
I hope you can applaud your husband’s healthy choices — even if they don’t happen on your timetable. Breaking addictive behaviours can be rough, but he did it. It sounds as if he may now be compensating for the loss of cigarettes with sugary snacks. That’s not uncommon.
If I were you, I would try to shift from policing his diet to giving him more positive reinforcement. Go with your husband to his next doctor’s appointment or encourage him to meet with a nutritionist. That way, you can cheer his healthier choices, consistent with their recommendations, rather than carping about missteps or refusing to be complicit. Your husband knows he’s fat. No need to remind him. Finding a way to support him, though, may be a big help.