My husband had an affair. Now, I feel stuck in our marriage.
Q. My husband and I are in limbo. He had an affair, we went to counselling, nothing seemed to change, and I still feel like I can't trust him anymore. He keeps telling me I have "one foot out the door", which he feels is an excuse for me to treat him poorly and not do the work of this marriage. Lately he has said, "Just go ahead and divorce me. What are you waiting for?" But I feel like it was he who chose to check out of this marriage and break our commitment. Being the one to initiate the divorce is bringing up all kinds of guilt in me, and the fear that I would look like the bad guy, which I don't think he deserves. I didn't leave him; he left me. I feel stuck.
A. If you would be better off divorced, then the idea of who "deserves" to appear a certain way in the process is sort of beside the point, right?
You are only as stuck as you want to be. When you say, "Nothing seemed to change," I don't know if that means he still has problematic behaviour, his desire to repair the damage isn't genuine, your hurt over the infidelity still hasn't lessened, or the underlying problems of your marriage still remain unaddressed. But being in a marriage stalemate need not mean a life stalemate, and having uncomfortable feelings about the process — though understandable — shouldn't be allowed to paralyse you. That would only let you sabotage yourself further. So, if your marriage still has a shot, take it. If it's time to end it, give yourself the gift of moving forward. You deserve it. Individual therapy could be a helpful support in reminding you of that.
